vanish(but slowly).

alone
i deserve it

maybe

i don't know
i may not be
who i think i am
or thought i was
but it's getting late
and i am way behind
and being lonely
somehow feels
right
to protect myself
and others from me
i am trying to take care
it's hard to be sick
or physically broken
when you're alone
so i am doing this
instead of trying to find
someone
i made mistakes
huge mistakes
and it's better
if they are forgotten
or at very least
disregarded
there's no need
for memories of me
if i could forget
i would
so that's what i think
is happening
like smoke into the air
i disappear

...

black hole.

it's almost time

has been

for a long time

it's tipping

i've always been lost

i have nothing to give

nothing to offer

that would keep you close

i never have

that's why i fail

that's why i lose

i've never known

anything else

no home

no love

no people

always a stranger

always strange

always alone

i think i'm being fair

you don't deserve this

neither do i

i think you know what i mean

i don't expect it to mean much

though

i don't expect you to care

at one time it was all i wanted

someone to care

even a little

someone to know

and understand

and be with me

but i see now

that i am too far away

and too far

away

in so many ways

and every day

the one thing that gets clearer

is that this black hole

that i live in

is exactly where

i belong

...

in this pit.

sitting silently

gritting my teeth

it's not going away

i'm in a hole

it's deep and

it's dark

i've made so many mistakes

and i'm not believing

that there is much future left

i would have

and still would

give you everything

for a reason

for a place

for a way

it isn't that i don't care

it's that i realize

that these things

don't mean anything

i've never been home

i've never been where i belong

i doubt such a place exists

and i am getting older

and uglier

and i can't be completely

wrong

i trust you

and i love you

and i want to believe you

but i know it's too much to ask

so i don't anymore

every song is a sad song today

and i am singing along

and my heart aches

...

brick roads.

back and forth

and in-between the lines

there's always a suffering point

always a rough spot

we can search for a clean route

and think we may find one

well maybe

i've been wrong so many times

and it wouldn't surprise me

to be wrong again

but i think that's just a dream

there's always

a little nightmare

in there somewhere

if you've found a way

please
take me through with you

i hope i don't ruin it

i promise i'll try

i really will

show me there's some light

after all

show me

...

silent partner.

if only i knew you

but it's been so long

and i've spent so much time

trying to get to you

but there is only confusion

and pain

you seem afraid

and lost

and innocent

and guilty

you betray me

and i never understand why

you hurt me

and i can never tell

if you meant to

or not

or if you can even help it

you suffer

and i see no peace in your eyes

but you've learned to hide it

because no one can know

i don't think you even know

what you want

and perhaps you have never known 

but there is something

tearing at you

i am your passenger

so i too

am homeless

and lost

and without any permanence

we are out here

searching for something

but we have forgotten what

if we ever even knew

and we wouldn't know if we found it

because this is who we have become

i share this with you

this burden

this static life

and i don't even know

if you can be known at all

we are like ghosts

wandering together

hoping that someday

we find our place

and truly begin to live

and learn

who we are

...

progressive lonliness.

i have issues

inside

issues with issues

and even though it's old

and i am old

it never fades

and some things

never change

and no one cares

and i get it

because i want to not care

too

i don't know where i am

and each tide takes me

further out

into lostlessness

thinking i will die alone

will always hurt

it always hurts

knowing i will die alone

frees me from hurting you

because it's easier

if you don't love me

not for me

almost

but for you

for sure

it's been so long

and the last time wasn't real

or so i was told

or so i remember

or so it seems now

things are passing by

and i am still clueless

i'm not sure if i can function

and perhaps

i am the last to know

being alone

might be the only thing

i am doing right
...

ebbing.

i can feel a turning

a repetition

it's like a tide

i've felt it before

although i am not sure

if this tide is coming in

or going out

i've been wrong

blind and lost

i feel it constantly

and as i am living

i know it

i was never in denial

i was never indifferent

i've just never known

what to do

i am lonely

i can accept that

this tide

this wave

is in tune to whether i feel

that my loneliness

is a good thing

or a bad thing

i grind away

and wonder endlessly

i become fatigued

i start drawing lines

i shy away

i let it hurt and burn me

my love is always present

it's always in my heart

but i grow tired

and each time

i feel older

because i am older

this time no one held me

this time no one loved me

i so badly want to disappear

but i hang on

i wait

hoping that one day

i'll figure it out

before i am too far away

before i lose touch

before i run out of time

waiting for the next tide

...

impending latency.

trying to see past today

a bigger picture

see if a path exists

that will break

the cycles

all the jagged

spiraling

as we fall through time

searching and hoping

for answers

for some kind of

future

letting the uncertainty

strip away our sanity

and beg us

to give in

and hide away

i'm not sure if i have

another try in me

makes me want to stay

present

so i may survive

so i may stay in touch

even just a little

if i withdraw again

i may just gray away

for good

i'm not sure

if that is what's best

for me

but it may not matter

at all

staying quiet

is difficult for me

unless i stay away

unless i disappear

i have nothing to say

that i haven't already said

and regretted

a thousand times

so perhaps

i should stop

repeating myself

and simply

let go

and be

alone

...

ascetic smile.

i no longer need

your compassion

your attention

your

love

it's been too long

and it's hurt too bad

and it's gotten too messy

and too ugly

and too unattainable

i don't need it

and i don't want it

anymore

i survived

i lived on hope

and dreams

for so long

that they finally broke

and i was already

broken

now

i am just numb

i found a new way to live
a new way to suffer

i found simplicity

this pain is new

and refreshing

and it may just keep me

away from all of those

memories

and reminders

all of those things

that killed me

so many times

but somehow

i am here

somehow

i learn to live

with myself

and although it gets

lonelier

it doesn't hurt

quite as bad

anymore

...

grinding.

we leave everything behind

unknowingly

gravity flattens our feet

and pulls our hearts down

we break our backs

picking up the pieces

over and over

we fail to see

that things break

and will remain broken

no matter what we do

i’ve learned

that perhaps

i am not defined

by my triumphs

but rather my losses

because of them

i can find some enjoyment

some clarity

some shelter

and some realization

that life

is about the struggle

and the suffering

and that there is solace

in knowing

that sometimes

it’s supposed to hurt

…