threshold of capabilities.

limits and boundaries

set within our

conscious

and unconscious minds

what can i do?

vs

what have i done?

each experience

creates new capabilities

good and bad

helpful and harmful

new... skills

for lack of better terms

regardless of outcomes

be it pain

or joy

thinking about doing something

and seeing it through

are, of course,

very different

once we have taken something

that is not ours to take...

once we have stolen

we now have the ability

to steal

once we have cheated

we now have the skill

to cheat

once we have performed

before a group of people

we now are able to do it

no matter how hard it was

or what the result was

we have crossed

a threshold of capabilities

and our skillset is ever-growing

from the smallest of achievements

to the most undesirable of actions

until we are cut down

steal bread with your right hand,

get caught,

and have your right hand chopped off...

obviously...

you will never steal bread

with your right hand again

but the ability to use your left

remains

lesson learned

or not

it is now in your arsenal

because it isn't about thinking

it's about feeling

fear

accomplishment

self-loathing

or the building of

self confidence

growth.

some would never do

what i've done

what you've done

but everyone

will do

what they will do

it's the same

regardless

of the threshold to cross

and the cross to bare

that comes along with it,

you and i will cross them.

in this way,

amongst so many others,

we are all the same.

all of us.

control is limited

because one thing

that will never change

is that things

and life

will always change

and even if we were

to stand completely still

our entire lives

we will cross thresholds

gain capabilities

there is no stopping it

refuse it or embrace it

doesn't matter...

except in one way:

either

we will be

miserable

more often than

happy

or the other way around...

the question is

and always is:

what will we do

with these abilities

that we will acquire

whether we wish to

or not?

and although this would take

lifetimes to answer

as we live

in this here

and this now

it is shaping

the man

or woman

we aspire to be.

in this,

we do have choices

i try to choose as wisely as i can

but if i think too much

i will not live as much

by making decisions

about who i am

about who i wish to be

and living by them

it seems to help me
more often than not

keep my skills

my abilities

more within my grasp

as we constantly

and consistently

cross these

thresholds of capabilities.

rise and fall.

the nature of things

this ever-changing set

of do's and don'ts

the haves and have nots 

yours and mine

the rights and wrongs

the goods and bads

what causes one to respect one

and not another?

if i treat you the same

where does your judgement come from

when compared to another's?

is it me?

is it you?

or is it...

when and how

and why

you and i act

when pushed

when embraced

when afraid

when brave

how much is real

how much is decided

i drop my arms

i drop my head

the spinning comes and goes

i think too much

then... not enough

who can remain

conscious?

always?

as we drift in and out

of our bliss

and our shattering realities

i owe you nothing

you owe me nothing

but a common respect

that has become more uncommon

than i ever hoped it would

i've always believed

that you can get what you give

even though

things are not always fair

i've always believed

in trying

to do what i think is right

i know i am not alone

not only in this belief

but in knowing

that i fail

i break down

i fall like a porcelain figurine

and shatter into a million pieces

could i be completely wrong?

sometimes...

i know i am

as i am swept up

and glued back together

never to be the same again

the only thing pure

is this impurity

and i am guilty

and innocent

all at once

everyday

at this very moment

we get back up

until we cannot

any longer.

sometimes

we never get the chance

to say goodbye

to say we're sorry.

what we mean to do

and what happens

is always different

because the future is so unknown

whether it's next year

next week

tomorrow

five minutes from now

or even the next word

you read

thunderstorms and droughts

we walk through deserts

and rain forests

facing perils

and opportunities

evil and love

and everything in between

yet we continue

to step

because it's all we know.

all of the common sense

you may have

all of the experience

you have accumulated

means nothing

as you and i face

tomorrow

the strongest will fall

the weakest will rise

all of us

no exceptions

what we want

changes faster

than we can attain it

and thus

our steps

become a stumble

sometimes

we are caught

and sometimes

we collapse

and regardless

it will happen

again and again

until we breathe no longer

the rise and fall

of you

and

i

...

new sun, new stars.

forget

about that skinned knee

forget

about that failed love

forget

about how sick you felt

that time

back then

go on

try

try to forget

believe it or not

you have forgotten

now it's just a story

a tale

not much more than a myth

because memory is shaped

and re-shaped

by your outlook on it

the accuracy will never be on

hazy at very best

and as one-sided as could possibly be

seems easy,

doesn't it?

simple

but it isn't

these images shape

how we act

who we think we are

where we go

who we trust

who we don't

lies.

not in the sense of

malicious thoughts and actions

but as in

false truths

if we give in

it will age us even faster

so

when i look into the sky

be it day or night

i can think to myself

about how the sun

is the sun

and the stars are aligned

and that every time

they are the same...

they aren't.

i see with new eyes

each and every time

it's night now

i am inside

and i look forward

to seeing the sun

for the first time

tomorrow

because at that moment

it will be the only time

i am seeing it

and the stars tomorrow evening

and the next day

and the next night

and on

and on

do you get it?

ugly.

you told me that i am

beautiful

you looked right into my eyes

you meant it.

i know.

you loved me.

that,

i also know

even now

that you may not love me

anymore

i can still feel

the warmth

i remember

the feeling

it meant more to me

than anything

ever

because i loved you also

and because of that

i still love you

i always have

i always will

because you weren't just talking

about my eyes

or my lips

you saw inside of me

when i asked you:

"what is beautiful about me?"

you replied,

"everything"

i never thought i would hear those words

from someone

so special to me

because

in my heart

in my soul

you were

perfection

and you meant it

i've never thought i was anything

but a struggling

weathered man

like any other

yes
it is true

i love you

i would have done

anything

for you

i still would

you saw me

you see me

you know me

and though

i feel like the ugliest man

alive

you made me feel

beautiful

as if i had done right

as if all i've stood for

my whole life

meant something after all

i knew exactly what you meant

it doesn't matter what happened

it doesn't matter where you are now

i will always feel you

your spirit

your words

they weren't simply heard

they were felt

and i haven't been the same since

and i never will be

if i'm fortunate

maybe someone will

see me like that again

like the way you saw me

the way you felt me

i still feel ugly

but that's ok

because that doesn't mean

anything

it doesn't take away

who i am

i remember how i felt

when i told you that you were

beautiful

i meant it every time

i still mean it

this entire story

is not as it reads

it's more than these words

these simple words

-read between these lines-

don't be afraid

this beauty

and

this ugliness

are the same

there is beauty

in the ugliness of life

and ugliness
in the beauty

but the look in your eyes

the warmth of  your smile

i will always feel

no matter how ugly

i believe myself to be
...

getting lost.

how much of what you say

do you actually mean?

how much is real?

i know

it's hard

to be honest

all the time...

mistake

after mistake...

how many apologies

will you make?

which is easier?

i know

you don't always

mean harm

if at all

but hiding behind the belief

that you just don't want

to cause pain,

makes very little sense.

the truth most often hurts

more than it doesn't

and i know

you are stronger than that

i have to think

that you simply

don't see it.

you've gotten too used

to taking the easy way

but it isn't any easier...

this is why

you always seem

unhappy

and confused

take time and think

of what you're doing.

this will not change

by itself.

it takes effort.

it takes strength.

you've got it,

so do it.

do you really want to know

what's happening around you?

do you really want to find out

how much control you have

over your own life?

practice brings improvement.

why do you think

that you must take

what you want?

when you can simply be honest

and sincere

and ask for it...
earn it...

it's not the world who's against you

it's you.

it is you.

no excuses.

no paranoid reasons.

i may know very little,

but this is simple.

keep wasting your breath

instead of using it,

and you'll continue to lose

time

truth

love

and your life.

ideology pt.1

you and i

all of us

we are

the same

with all of our differences

and conflicts

our alliances

our wars

our celebrations

our work

and our rest

we share.

you will never see

what i see

but you will always

feel

what i

feel

what we

feel

our desire

our pure desire

is for the discovery

of the knowledge

that we wish

not just to find

but to understand

to realize

though we live

in an oppressive

and confusing world

inside ourselves

and outside on the streets

you

reading this

i hope

that you are

feeling

this

you will never be

alone

your fire

burns like mine

your pain

hurts like mine

even without your name

i know you

you know me

connection.

no matter

if we have spoken,

no matter

if we have shared space,

we are together.

stoke the fire inside

keep it burning

find your way

to express

who you are

what you are

never believe

that you are no one

never believe

that you are someone either

you are

that's all

we are

that's it.

we use the same words

the same numbers

regardless of the tongue

regardless of the shapes

of the characters...

always be searching

always know

that your struggle

is our struggle

we are this world

we are this soul

we are this spirit

we are together

always

...

i believe.

i believe in many things.

i believe in many people.

but my belief

is built

on hope.

i have hope

for you.

for me.

for us.

i've had experiences

that although can never be

remembered with precise accuracy

that have nonetheless given me hope.

i have friends

that keep me alive

everyday

and have kept me alive

in the past.

they give me hope.

i've been in love

and felt so loved

that i could barely believe

that it could possibly be real.

but it was.

it can happen again.

i believe.

i have hope.

things will never be

as they were.

i believe that they can be

even better.

my hope and my belief

are one and the same.

can you truly say,

and mean it, 

that nothing is shocking anymore?

how could you?

none of us could ever know.

but i refuse to be bitter.

i refuse to be jaded.

i will never give up

hope.

i believe that if we keep our eyes

our ears

our hearts

open,

we find what we believe in.

we can have pure hope.

of course,

we see a lot of heartache

and pain,

those things are

unavoidable.

but those things

cannot break my belief

down.

everything comes.

everything goes.

sometimes they leave you behind.

sometimes you go with them.

but there is always change

there always will be

change.

through your own eyes

you can either be

 dismissive

or see what's happening in there.

i won't let

that one step back

that i am forced to take

while i am constantly trying to move

forward

effect my hope.

i won't cheat myself

or you

by letting that happen.

i believe in love.

i believe in chances.

i believe that great things happen

if you truly want them to

regardless of the setbacks that occur.

my eternal hope

keeps me believing.

i hope you feel the same.

because i believe in you.

these games.

we play games.

we all do.

usually when we

want what we can't have right now

or are afraid

to simply

ask for.

so we provoke,

antagonize,

or try to bait out

certain responses

that will tell us

how much control we have.

but as in most games

typically

someone wins

and someone loses

and that makes us both

losers

and no better off

than we were.

can these games be

fun?

exciting?

interesting?

of course they can.

but...

is the winner's prize

worth it all though?

after pushing and pulling

prying and withdrawing...

what have we got?

what is left but a twisted image

created by thought-out strategies,

shortcuts

deception

and the traps set out

to misshape and mold

our "opponent" into

what we are wishing for?

false truths

that our denial lets us believe...

what do we win?

nothing.

all we've done is waste time

valuable time

lost.

so...

we can play

sometimes

but remember this:

each move that you feel

brings you closer

to an illusion of certainty

is one step further

away from me.

because

quite frankly,

i suck at games.

all these games.

no one wins.

everyone loses.

sure, i wanna know

i wanna try

but when fun-time is over

and the games end,

we never truly

get what we want.

never.

and now

i am realizing

that i am getting older

perhaps too old to be playing

these games.

and losing

has been taking it's toll

for far too long.

so, if you please,

i don't wanna play tonight,

thank you.

next.

we all look back

with tears

with smiles

and all the while

unaware

the shades

the air

the momentum

can never be

truly remembered

blurry

exaggerated 

or simplified

it's all flat

it's all 2D

we will never be there again

never.

try as we might

we live in the now

and only

here

in the now

all that we believe we know
so well

is nothing more

than an illusion

we live

mostly

through involuntary

thoughts

movements

and feelings

it's Pavlovian.

it is.

the same words

with different meanings

different tones

it's just different

always

every single time

and everything is new

regardless

of how long it has been framed

and hanging

on the walls

of our minds

the images cannot be seen the same way

ever again

how many times

can we pretend

to know

what we think we know?

we know nothing

action

reaction

and it's gone.

next

...