the dance.

twisting and turning

we try

to perform

a dance

with our

wrenching and squirming

without a

brightside

there is no

darkside

even happiness

can grow stale

static

boring

yes...

even happiness

can become

unhappiness

we feel elation

while we rise

but...

we must first

and again

fall to pieces

it's not just

appreciation

it's far more

it's so deep inside

that it seems

more...

chemical

balance is impossible

when you are trying

to achieve it

but it is the way

of our lives

the scales tip

from side to side

simply

like we step

from our left foot

to our right

and denial

is futile

but we do it

all throughout

each story

each emotion

each episode

we want to

understand

we seek answers

yet we cannot even speak

the questions

because there are none

we want movement

yet we are always moving

and it's always

either too fast

or too slow

to attempt to steady one's self

takes so much time

and concentration

and then

just as the page seems to turn

the room spins again

the ground beneath us

tilts

and we are off camber

again

it helps

to realize

that this will always be

but it doesn't really solve

anything...

does it?

we are constantly moving 

because

we have no choice

it's not just the world

that won't wait

it's our own lives

try not to think...

you cannot

we're in a current

in which we can fight

or ride with

but

nonetheless

from day to day

moment to moment

it's all ups

and downs

and in-betweens

and there is nothing

you or i can do

to stop it

even the strongest

PMA

has very limited control

and it can make us feel

like nothing more

than mere vessels

like

leaves in the breeze

and

truthfully

that is all

we are

...

don't even.

opinions.

may as well

be facts

to you.

you believe,

so it's your

truth.

we speak so easily...

perhaps

too easily...

and we use tone

and body language

and volume

as if that is

proof...

proof that what we say

is real.

searching for validation.

the more people who relate,

the more true the words are,

yes?

but...

of course

that is nowhere near

accurate.

it still means nothing.

it still does not matter.

it's still bullshit.

just another ploy

to rise above where we stand.

it really doesn't work,

but we do it anyway.

i'm sick

and

i'm tired

of hearing your

"point"

just speak to me

unafraid

give me a little

humanity

and then

only then

will i really listen

and respect you

and your words.

but...

keep trying

to go over my head

and i will simply duck

because the truth

is a feeling,

a trust,

not a handful

of empty

words and 

expressions...

keep them.

save that breath

for breathing

it's hot enough here

already
...

ashes ashes.

pushing and pulling

never still

the walls are caving in

collapsing around you and i

leaving us exposed

to all that is

to be seen

heard

felt

we are prey

waiting to be

bitten

scratched

burned

frozen

ripped apart

and left as remains

no more breath

no more flowing of blood

except into the porous medium

below where we once stood

this world is tearing us apart

we fight

we try to hide

we do whatever we can

to stay alive

so far

though beaten

and broken

tomorrow came today

even when we knew

it would not

we were wrong

again

and i find myself singing

ashes

ashes

we all fall

down

...

blueprint.

they say in life:

it's "easy come & easy go"

and that

"good things come to those who wait"

but then they say

"gotta hold onto what you have"

and

"if you want something in life,

you have to seize the day"

"they" always seem to have an answer,

don't they?

an opinion on just how i should

live my life

learning lessons from a book of cliches

learning life from a "hand me down" phrase

but that's not the way for me

"time flies when you're having fun"

and

"good things never last" (never last! - ode to Insted)

although they may seem true at times

remember that a "line" is just a "line"

not a formula or philosophy

or a blueprint for you to follow.

live life your way

live today

not how other people say.

(lyrics i wrote when i was lucky enough to be writing, recording & playing

with Where Fear And Weapons Meet - this was always the song i

was most proud of "lyrically" on the Unstoppable cd we released on

Triple Crown Records in around 2001)

reasons and excuses.

the pressure was too much

because you decided it was

but was it?

as i saw you struggle through

i watched you

i was there

for some...

giving up

and making excuses

is easy

for others

it isn't

the outcome is yours alone

the results are on you

reasons are one thing

they make sense

but excuses...

excuses are begging

for validity

for:

fear

lack of confidence

low self esteem

or

downright getting yourself involved

in something you couldn't handle

reasons

are much more easily

understood

things go wrong sometimes

reasons make more sense

can't you tell

when you are using

excuses or reasons?

i can.

it's crystal clear to me

and what is said

is usually not

what gives it away

it's how it's said.

and i can tell the difference.

most of us can.

and it's always

one or the other

a reason

or an excuse

to escape

to be forgiven

to boost your bruised ego

because

you know the truth

you know the truth

and day after day

it may go unsaid

but you know

and you know that i know

my acceptance...

shouldn't mean shit to you

my respect...

now that's another story

i want yours

i would hope you'd want mine

now...

i'm not saying

that you should watch what you say

or in any way

not be yourself

i accept you for you

i respect you as a man

as a woman

as a person

and i don't get mad easily

disappointed...

quite a bit more often

because i like to think

more of you than you think

perhaps

at times

more of you

than you even do.

i can't tell you what to say

how to act

how to feel

it's not my place

and i wouldn't dare

i just hope

and i really mean it...

i hope

you'll make the right decisions

you already know what they are...

so...

what's it gonna be
?

the low end.

when our dreams appear

impossible

and it's not just our backs

but our fronts

against the wall

as well

it is so easy

to lose hope

to give in

when all our trying

is thrown back at us

with the most extreme

prejudice

what goes through our minds?

it's over...

yes?

we know it isn't...

but we can't help ourselves

we are hurting

we are in pain

we are tired

we don't know what to do next

and all we can think about

is how we feel right now

and we don't want to hear

about tomorrow

anymore

our faith falls into

darkness

and we find ourselves

in the low end.

cold streets

and dark, damp

eerie lighting

seem to follow us

everywhere we go

we close our eyes

perhaps drift into a dream

and it's still there

all of us

we question:

why?

"i don't want this"

"i don't like this"

"i can't stand this

for another moment"

but then another moment passes

and we are still here

is it really that cosmic?

and all the sense that can be made

still makes none

we're not even falling at this point

we're just hanging

in the low end

of our minds

of our lives

and it feels like

we are wrapped

from head to toe

in this old, but strong rope

and we can't move

and each decision

seems like our very last

and pointless, at that...

where do we go

and what do we do?

like you,

i haven't a clue...

the only thing i do know

is that i have felt this before

and that it changes

eventually

it changes

we try to look back

and we almost have to laugh

at the state we were in

its like cutting your hair off

then after a few days

you can't really imagine it

the way it was...

but...

we have to go through it

because we do

as ridiculous as it seems

isn't it strange

how we survive?

although,

not all of us do

but you

reading this

have indeed continued

to survive

through so many times

of not wanting to

we're still here

one simple point:

please.

remember.

you are never alone

even when you are

hopelessly

and helplessly

suffering

the low end

...

breaking boxes.

as long as you have

breath

keep fighting

not with your fists

with your spirit

with your soul

expression

true

free

expression

is more liberating

more venting

than any punch

you could ever land

i gave up trying

to be like you

many years ago

but

more importantly

i gave up on trying

to make you be like me

as well.

i care

i respect

i love you

as you are

as you truly are

some will never show

who they truly are

and that

is sad

not pathetic

but sad because

they live in a box

that they may never

be able to emerge from

i am true

and i am real

and i am fine with the fact

that you may not like me

because at least i know

that you don't like me

at least i know

that you like or don't like

the real me

i don't live in a box

it's not for me

if you do

and your little box

that gets ever smaller

is comfortable

by all means

stay there

i can respect that

obviously

i am no better

and i am no worse

i may just be

a little different than you

and there is nothing wrong with that

but

if you are suffering

suffocating

in that little box

then i feel bad for that

you should not have

to live that way

too many people do

stuck in lives

that they can barely stand

caught in traps

that they can't imagine

how to escape from

it's not easy

to let go

i know

believe me

i know

we all know

nothing is easy

and the common

easy path

just gets harder

and harder

because it isn't real

it has now become

a horrifying game

i want to see us all

free

but i know

this wish cannot come true

but when i see you

the real you

the truth

my faith remains

steadfast

that you and i

can get where we need to go

where we want to go

and see exactly where

we are

not expecting anything from tomorrow

or feeling suspect of the past

nothing will ever happen again

and we cannot predict

the future

i feel alive this way

no box for me

the lights are on

and i will fight

to keep seeing

feeling

learning

living

loving

growing

right here

this moment

and every moment

that my lungs

draw breath

 and my heart

pumps blood.

missing.

simple words

triggers

a feeling

washing over

but it's nothing like water

something is wrong

very wrong

and this feeling

could it be a warning?

or a sign

that things simply

aren't fitting into place

as they could be?

as they should be?

so much that is needed

and so painfully wanted

is missing

while so much useless garbage

is everywhere in this place

not just another rambling

about how unfair

how disturbing

life has become

but in it's way

a deep

desperate scream

for help

for change

change that seems

and feels

hopeless

and just out of control

hands cannot grasp

these things

minds cannot change them

either

it won't go away

it just won't go away

until it just

does

-

come to me

i need you

sweet sanity.

faithful and true

i beg of this life

to give me
yet another

chance

to find a way

to hold on

to move on

to get out

to get up

and take me

to wherever it may be

where my
heres
and
nows

make sense

and i can live

this static is too loud

and i am missing everything

because with the sound of static

comes the vision of white noise

the scent of burning wires

and the feeling of not belonging

inside my own skin

out there

somewhere

lies

my opportunity

to find my destiny

i must

find

you

before

it's

too

late

...

threads.

our lives hang by threads

threads of all kinds

and they snap.

some of us fall

into the abyss

never to return

never to be seen

or heard

again

our lifeless bodies

sometimes viewed

shortly,

then gone.

some threads are like

miracles...

how they hold us up

for so long

is unbelievable

but eventually...

we drop down to lower levels

then resume climbing our way

back up another.

trying to hang on

it's hard

we all know

when we want to

smile

and laugh

but we cannot

because our knuckles

are white

from gripping

so tightly

cannot smile

through some pain

so what do we do?

where do we go?

is this what we live for?

why?

is it hope?

love?

a dream of happiness

that we can never be sure of?

how can we even think about

what we want

sometimes?

what we need?

when it's so hard

to even move?

ups and downs

all the while

hanging

grasping to hold on

for our very lives

to a single thread.

mirrors and reflections.

i don't like to look

in the mirror

trying to see who i am

what i have become

i'll begin to speak

try to imagine how you might see me

wondering what you might assume

in my face

in my expressions

and how misunderstood

they may come across

or do you see something?

something i can't even relate to

or understand?

i can never figure out

how the mere image

and all that's going on inside

could possibly coincide

different reactions

do i have the same face?

do i even know how to smile

the way i want to smile at you?

i can't grasp it

and i am ugly

and i feel like i know it

all too well

i see a stranger

and even stranger

i've known this stranger

my entire life

yet...

i can't get around these things

do any of us look

how we feel?

does your image

make sense?

again...

i can't figure it out

i never could

i wonder if i ever will

or does it mean anything at all?

these reflections

they don't seem to match up to me.

and this mystique,

it preys on my sanity at times

because i realize

that you see me

the same me

that i avoid looking at.

in fact...

you see this image

even more often than i do

what do you see?

i realize

that when i look at you

i too see simply an image

and that you too

may not feel as you look

and it's all a bit too much

so i try not to equate the two

our eyes deceive us

not only by what we see

but the way our own eyes

are seen

so as i stay away from these

literal visual self reflections

i believe it keeps me more...

real?

if i don't know what i look like

i will not alter the way i express myself

into an untrue image

just to try to look better

or different

i want to be who i am.

i want you to see me as i am.

as purely as possible.

and this is why

i don't look at mirrors

anymore than

i have to.