ego, ego...

set me free. set me free? do i even know what that could mean? perspective could dictate that we are, in fact, free... or that we are simply rats in a cage. freedom, some will say, comes from within. from letting go of ego. i do agree to a point... but what drives us? we all admire someone, but do we wish to emulate to gain the self respect of reaching the levels we seeks so desperately? or do we strive to express ourselves as purely as possible to reach such heights? for myself, at least, it took many hard years of suffering, discipline and most of all, a strong resolve to best conquer what i believe to be the most mysterious & confusing emotion we can feel - envy. it can manifest itself in so many peculiar ways in our minds... deep down... causing us to naturally react consciously in ways in which we do not understand, or even want to feel. joy in the suffering of others... anger & frustration in their success. in every aspect of our lives, our level of security & self-respect can allow us to release the stranglehold of envy. in my own life, i've found love, anger, happiness, sadness... even hatred to be rather simple to not only resolve within myself & understand (at least enough to express them for what they are), but also to feel these emotions more purely. but envy... that's the tough one. the psychological nightmare. it can effect every emotion, change the simplest of gestures into a spiral of self-doubt, insecurity & rage that burns like blue flame inside & chills us to the bone, rendering us cold, bitter & jaded. simple jealously aside, i believe envy runs far deeper. i don't let myself fall to jealousy anymore, but rather try to understand where silent envy may be in any way an underlying factor in my life. as i continue to try to discover it, i learn to let it go. i try to think of my daily life & where envy comes into play in my own mind, try to control it, & then see myself unfold into the man i know i can be. the man i wish to be. the man i feel i am inside. i love to talk with friends about this very topic, see not only where they stand, but see how it effects them as well. there is so much more to discover about how to... well... not control, but live with our ever changing emotions & feelings. i welcome any discussion offered. you'll find my guard down, my mind open & honesty...

thanks for reading. - t

Preparation Fails...

Always thought that I would have the strength to rise above anything

After all I’ve been through & all I’ve seen – the preparation…

But I still avoid the street where it happened – the place eludes me

I held it all in to be strong for others – I never let it out

Set myself up for a big crash

Never understood the sentiment

Though I could beat it out of my mind

But now I know – I can never forget

And that human is human after all

I am one – I am one

My blood runs colder as I approach the crime scene

And as my hands start to shake – I am lost in that moment

Trained myself for so many years – not to be bitter – not to blame

Take it out on myself in private & be done with it

But as I found myself in that room freezing from the inside out

I can see what becomes of me

Never understood the sentiment

Thought I could beat it out of myself

But now I know – I can’t forget it

And that human is human after all

And that I am one – I am one

Staring at the threshold of what I can take

Just how much it would take to break me down

I’ve learned just how far logic can take me

Before it’s simply too much to justify

I start to crack & some can see it

 And as my age starts to show

I know I can never go back

Never understood the sentiment

Though I could beat it out of my mind

But now I know – I can never forget

And that human is human after all

I am one – I am one

When I hit the wall & bricks started to fall

I tried so hard to catch them all

But when I got spent I realized

That sometimes enough becomes too much

Twenty One Years Old.

You won't miss the little things I do because you never noticed them...


You won't remember my smile because you never felt it in your heart...


The time we shared together is the time you refer to as "spent", not shared...


You will tell yourself over and over that what you did was right until you believe it...


Your memory of me will be whatever is easiest for you to deal with. That's your style...


You will end up alone and lonely...


You will always consider yourself unlucky and you convince yourself it's a fact...


You will always find an excuse to ruin a wonderful thing because you are so afraid of failure, yet you fail yourself every time...


If you tell yourself the same lie again and again, you will most likely start to believe it, thus losing your grasp on reality...


You will say that there is something wrong with you and claim that you do not know what it is just to avoid making a move...


You make decisions when you have no idea what to choose. Why do you do that?...


Your deep side frightens you so much that you never get involved in anything. In time you will completely lose touch and become totally alone and depressed and boring...


You feel that you can make it through life by living a shallow existence, yet you will always wonder why no one really cares about you...


You run away from any new challenge which you must face alone...


You turn your back on those who love you & embrace those who don't care about you because it's easier that way...


You are beautiful yet you will not accept the compliment for fear that someone will take advantage of you...


You are naive because you don't pay attention to what's really going on around you...


People use you and lie to you because they know you can blow it off...


When you act like you don't care, people will take what they can from you because they think you have no self respect...


People who want from you will tell you anything you want to hear if it gets them what they want...


You listen to people as if they see your side, but you must realize that they don't and never will...


If you don't want to change yourself, then you don't have to - to feel pain and be unhappy and confused sometimes is only human...


There are a million directions you can go and no one can stop you but you...


What's right and what's wrong are just opinions, you just have to decide which opinions matter to you...


Someone may say something to you a hundred times and it may never sink in, yet another can say something only once and it may change your life forever. Isn't it strange how one person's words can be valued so highly over another's?...


Different people understand things in different ways. You must realize this...


Your reality and my reality are different. Your views and my views are different. Just as different as any two people on Earth. If there is a problem... Solve the problem.


- a short excerpt from one of the six existing books seven I wrote between 1990 - 1994. This is from April 3, 1993. I was twenty one years old.

Getting Itchy.

You know how it feels when you want to express yourself with more than just words written, spoken... gestured? When you know that there is another way? When that want becomes an unfulfilled need? It is torture.


Every emotion... all at once... all together...


Spending more than half your life with it still in your belly, through all the adrenalin filled moments... and all the quiet, motionless ones? Having tried to give it up, hopelessly, over and over and over again...?


Through sanity, insanity... consciouncness, semi-consciouncness, unconsciouncness?? 


Still... there...


Almost as if it's waiting inside of you. Stubborn. Whispering to you in the most gentle of voices just how much of your mind and heart it will take to rip from your very soul?


My cries for liberation age me... while fueling the fire of my youth. 
Pushing. Pulling. Tension.


My own hands holding on so tightly. 
I just want to let go...