pulled muscle.

"did someone hurt you?"

of course...

to ask that of anyone

is most often

an attempt

to figure out why

they are acting as they do

to find reason

to somehow

validate

the obvious

fear

pain

indifference

apathy

they so often display
the heart

is a muscle

and at some point

it will hold too much weight

fatigue

sprain

get ripped

and burn

like any other muscle

but to ask why

will never provide

the answers you seek

never

we get broken

we experience failure

it all gives in

but it's no excuse

true

we will try

to avoid it

to prevent it

just as we keep our fingers

away from flames

because it hurts

because it hurts so badly

that we cannot forget

or forgive

and then

of our own doing

the pain lingers on

and we regress

we cut off

and shut down

and out

but that never really works

does it?

so now

the blinders are on

and the mask is firmly in place

and we are not ourselves

from these points on

until we aren't even sure

who we are

or what we truly want

anymore

can't live like that

i can't

i won't

what i will do

is ask:

"did someone love you?"

well hello again.

you

yes, you

i can see you

i can feel you

here

you are always here

no matter

where we stand

no matter

where we lay our heads down

you may have doubts

but you know the truth

you know who i am

and how i feel

that has never changed

you know it

you believe

i know you do

and you know

so much

so much more

than you want to think about

you know that i meant

every word

you know that i would always

be there

and that i would stay close

for as long as i breathe

and not because

of a promise

or because it is right

but for the simple reason

that i would want to

if we were truly free

i wonder...

if all the doors

blew off

and all the walls

crumbled

and there was nothing left

in the way

what would happen?

i can only speak for myself

and i will do just that

because i always want you to know

and you know that

and if it's worth anything at all

this warms my heart

to think of

to feel this way

so

even tonight

even without knowing

where your mind

or heart

truly is

thank you

burning and learning.

if i could know

just where you come from

would it help me see

where you're going?

and here

now

face to face

i can feel the judgement in your eyes

as if you know

where i am from

or better

where i am

peering through these windows

i can't help but see

envy

for no reason

as i have nothing

of any use to you

yet i see you burning

before me

forgive me

for this comes as no surprise

nor is it difficult

to recognize

wouldn't mind learning

where

why

how

we ended up

here

in this space

with this tension

warping and twisting

the air around us

like alchemists

shaping and creating

myth and lore

as i am truthful

i must say

i have no judgement

nor contempt

ripping and slicing

through this thick air

i feel nothing

and as i watch you
approaching

this boiling point

i find it plainly

interesting

and although

i may not actually be

learning anything

doesn't matter

because it is not me

who is appearing

to be attempting

to make a point

and as you grow

more and more red

i will

very simply

be.

suffer the living pt.2

this feeling is
consuming me

these thoughts are
overwhelming me

i'm going through it

another episode

even if i wore armor

it wouldn't be enough

as if it's inhaled

and there is
no escape

reading to find remedies

or writing out for therapy

it must run it's course

so

again

i fall

just as we all do

and i don't want to face it

any more than you do

self doubt

and confusion

frustration

and illusion

nothing's happening

but still

it's engulfing

the harder i fight

the more it burns

so i let go

no matter how i choose

to approach it

it pains me
nonetheless

did nothing to deserve it

did nothing to provoke it
or so i thought

but that never made
 any difference

and it never will

it isn't good
or bad

it's both

and it's neither

at the same time

no action

no reaction

just the current
of time and thought

and the way things go

throughout time

can only get used to so much

but it mutates to survive

and have it's effect

if there is a reason

it's unknown

at least to me

all i can do

is recognize it's presence

and deal with it

how i choose

and although
this time
i have chosen

not to put up a fight

it still finds it's way

to seep into me

knowing the futility

of fighting this infection

changes very little

so

i am forced

to ride out the storm

and if it should

if something should

take my breath

that may be the only way

not to see

and feel it through

until it isn't anymore

this fact is faced

so suffer i will

with nothing more

than the solace of knowing

that sooner or later

this too
shall pass
...

talk talk talk

rich man, poor man

blue or white

it's all just talk

we all talk

from the fronts

and the sides

of our mouths

and behind backs

out of our mouths

and into the ears

of the right

and the wrong

people

with no points

that can be truly

validated

it's all just talk

sometimes

it isn't real

until we hear it

but no...

even then

it isn't real

opinions and criticisms

were we trying to help

or hurt?

the real question is:

does it ever matter

?

really

?

the fall or the rise

the lift or the drop

you and i

will feel it

over and over again

and sometimes

we take it to heart

but it's all just talk

and it will never stop

so get used to it

get used to it

until it becomes

what it really is...

nothing at all.

show it.

i can see

why you are afraid

to do your best

i can understand

the question

the doubt

but the answer

"what if my best

isn't good enough"

does not matter

it never mattered

it will never matter

to anyone

but you

who

could ever answer

that question

who's judgement

could ever mean

that much

do what you do

and do it purely

and freely

do it with

conviction

passion

do it for

yourself

without regret

without thinking

and dwelling

on your critics
or on other's
opinions

the struggle

to express ourselves

must go on

as long as the fire

remains inside

i wanna see

what you've really got

don't you

?

Zen point pt.1

as random as life is

and as selective as our memory

has become

how can anyone say

or even think

that they know what may or may not happen

tomorrow?

we live and think on patterns

and Pavlovian triggers

this is why

we are so often

so frustrated

and confused

even shocked at times

at just how a "normal" day's events

turn out

sure...

we will "guess" correctly

sometimes

and we get the entitlement
of being able to say

"i knew it!"

or

"toldja..."

but in reality

even living in the present

and trying to understand

is challenging enough

to speak is if we know

is

at times

the only way to remain

in what little control

we may actually have

to have some confidence

that all we have seen

and done

has taught us something

given us at least

a little wisdom

earned us a little respect

although it truly

doesn't matter at all

sometimes

it helps us relate

that is important

to connect with others

helps when we can

share experiences

as hazy as they may be

the feelings

help us identify

with one another

our perception may

replace our reality

most of the time

but we remember feelings

we can identify with feelings

we can communicate with feelings

because they simply inhabit us

no thought needed

no re-creation of scenarios

no predictions

trying to live in the now

is the first step

this is where

Zen philosophy

strikes me the deepest...

wires.

our huge small world

filled with things

we cannot understand

gears and mechanisms

cluttered messes of circuitry

it's in our lives

in every way

creating even the slightest

of what seem to be simple thoughts

simple processes

wires connected to other wires

it is only unique

in itself

in it's mere existence

it's creation...

life?

but did we ask for this?

to never be sure

about anything

ever

?

while current silently

pushes and pulls

receives and outputs

useless and useful

information

without cease

transforming

constantly

and consistently

needing no control

or surveillance

it grows on it's own

and repairs on it's own

survival.

doesn't always work out for us though

does it?

something broken

and not working

often replaced by

something else

also broken

but in motion

feeding it's data

into our "network"

regardless of it's use

or need

or want

this all applies

it is why you sit

or stand

where you are this very moment

and in which direction

your eyes will guide you

next

these processes aren't

answers to anything

they are simply

actions

and

reactions

zeros and ones

over and over

random and endless

no control

it's in your head

it's all

in

your

head

.

unnumbered episode

pressure

weight

hurts even worse

when you have no idea

where it's coming from

under ice

in a house on fire

in a crowd under seige

or in your own mind

one thought

one word

relief

from where

how

the answer

never seems

to reveal itself

when you want it to

most

and all the colors

and visions

faces

everything

seems to pour down

these imaginary walls

in this room of thought

and tension

and it feels like

it will never end

overcome

with confusion

frustration

lonliness

boredom

hopelessness

uselessness

lost

in whatever it is

that it is

that we cannot figure out

yet it burns

and itches

and steals

our lives away

for whatever amount

of actual time it takes

it's atmosphere

lingers

it is haunting

it is torture

it's mystique

the unknown origin

the blankness

is overwhelming

over and over again

the fear of it's frequency

puts us in a stasis

that we cannot explain

yet we all feel it

we all feel it

we don't want it

but we get it

it happens

and it sticks

the escape seems

so unlikely

and then

at once

something happens

the clouds seem to clear

sometimes sooner

sometimes later

we try to forget

but we all know

it'll be back someday

sometime

how could anyone ever know

how this feels

but we all do

we all do

...

elemental mentality.

everything falls apart

chips away

crumbles

sometimes

it appears to happen

right before our eyes

or at least it feels

and looks that way

elemental damage

is causing me mental damage

tonight

i'm seeing things
break down

wither away

decay

i don't like it

but

when has that ever mattered

?

erosion is inevitable...

i guess

when we feel good

we simply aren't thinking about that

now that-

i like

bliss

without feeling

blissful

being in "la-la land"

without even knowing it

wonderful

beautiful

euphoria

then

as soon as the thought

that the feeling might stop

sometime

anytime

at some point

be it

sooner

or

later

there it goes...

the door is kicked in

and we're back

to emptying fuel tanks

fossilized insect wings

browning leaves

and greying

thinning hair

as if gravity

just landed a solid blow

to the solar plexus
we lose our wind
our sails drop
and it's then
as my head drops
and my chin
reaches my chest
and my
slightly moistening eyes
slowly close
i beg a question:

how can we decide

?

what could provide us

with the faith enough

to feel some sort of validation

that anything could even be:

real

?

an answer that isn't just

an opinion

that lets us know

that there truly is

either more

or less

significance

in what we believe

in what we feel

is beauty

or ugliness,

reality

or dreams,

good

or bad,

right

or

wrong

***