wet blankets.

unfulfilled and incomplete

it's not the same

because everything changes

and nothing matters

except when we believe it does

and even then

it's never as it seems

and more is forgotten

than we can try to remember

now

tomorrow

or yesterday

it's an illusion

it seems so real

because we've gotten

used to it

but it still hurts

and we can't figure it out

we never will

because it's not real

chemical reactions

and emotional triggers

empowering

and

destroying us

all in the same

breath

in a blink

of our eyes

but we're blind

and suffocating

we think too much

it's time to admit

and realize

that we aren't

what we think

we are

we simply are

what we are

we don't have to like

the same things

we don't have to believe

the same things

we don't have to look

the same

but we are

we are all the same

chasing down an idea

of happiness

that can never be defined

who's to say

that dreams

aren't a real part

of our lives

...

train wreck.

you're looking at me

and i'm wondering

what you're seeing

the way you break your eyes

the way you speak

makes me think

that you know things

things that i haven't

and will never

have to explain

like you can see

where i've been

and what i've done

and in your eyes

i can see

fear

respect

empathy

and a sense of

alleviation

that your escape

is only moments away

and even though

you want to see me

feel me

know me

understand me

if only for a moment in time

your eyes blink

and you realize

that it would be

ugly

painful

and overwhelming

and that it may not

wash off so easily

and that sometimes

it's best to leave

the beast in his cage

and simply

move on

...

cephalodynia.

knives in my brain

when i'm alone

another crease

in my aging face

it's not all bad

because it gets better

never all the way

but it gets better

pain and guilt

and regret

and frustration

move me

survival

fear

the only thing i know

is that i'll either be

breathing

or i won't

how i take my

heres and nows

is all mine

and as it is

as i am so flawed

i don't always make

the best choices

i don't always take

the best road

but i do take

my own way

up or down

and i grow

and i learn

and i live

i survive

and i will continue

to do so

until the road ends

and there are no more

choices

no more moves

no more chances

and no more breaths

to take

...

arm's length.

i can feel you nearing

the electric tingle

in my center

and the rising of the hairs

on my arms and neck

self conscious stirring

and twice as upset

because i know

i shouldn't feel this way

smile only with my lips

don't say a word

try not to stare

i can apologize later

i've seen us together

laughing and tripping

over each other

i've felt your acceptance

of all that i am

but only in a dream

and it's so juvenile to me

i feel like a teenager

like it's the very first time

and it isn't even real

and i'm fairly certain

that it never could be

this is why i keep you

at a distance

it won't be you

it will be me

i can never hurt you

if you never even know

i was here

...

broken.

sitting in the dark

feeling like a child

wishing for tears

to wash away

some of the pain

from anger

to shame

it's never easy

and it's my fault

my escape

was to become my fear

backed into corners

we survive

even if it makes life

worse

hit and pitched

now ugly

and unwanted

once touched

now broken forever

and some choices

are too hard to make

bruised blue

and cold

they saw great things for me

i made them eat their words

i never saw any future

i never saw a place

i never found a home

i found suffering

i found loneliness

and all the hate i felt

i felt towards myself

how could you love me

when i've never loved me

it makes sense

i crawled into it

the only place

i've ever known

i remain

...

ad hoc.

forever is

just a concept

an idea

the only things

that seem to last

are involuntary

clocks and calendars

are ornamental

because some minutes

feel longer than others

and time will end

for us

when there is no breath left

and as final as it seems

as dismal

depressing

and sad

it is what it is

the only fact

it doesn't matter

what we think tomorrow is

we are wrong

and as a thousand yesterdays

are forgotten

there is only one

today

...

crash.

cracked windshields

and blood stained t-shirts

manufactured landscapes

with fake man-made

sunlight

we have a number

and a story

before we're old enough

to even read them

we're breathing poison

inhaling it

eating it

drinking it

seeing it

and hearing it

innocence has never

been an option

for any of us

papers with numbers

and deadlines

reminding us

that we'll never be free

and as our skin wrinkles

and our dreams fade

nothing will ever have

that new smell again

statements and forms

with official stamps

from the beginning

to the end

our birth

and death certificates

will bookend our lives

after working all day

on my feet in worn out shoes

i realized that i have developed

a slight limp

as i walk into the house

perhaps i never noticed

because in my head

i've had that limp

for years

...

vertigo.

i'm falling in slow motion

and no one can catch me

and it's fine

losing my breath

and losing my

confidence

and i've been losing my mind

for a long time now

nothing but secondhand air

because i can't afford

anything new anymore

i can look you in the eyes

but i'm not the alpha

i once was

so it hurts a bit more

as i break mine

and stare at the floor

wondering how i ever

made it this far

or if it matters at all

i thought i knew better

but perhaps

i've never known

i live with the consequences

of my conscience

every minute

of every day

there is nowhere

to run and hide

and this place i'm in

is killing me

this is the price

of loving

of caring

of making mistakes

and sometimes

it's just not ok

...

filters.

please stop me

from saying another

godforsaken word

mute me

if only for a moment

cleanse my breath

let me consider

you

let me reconsider

me

your brains are just as

intimidating

as your beauty is

and i'll tell you

everything

i'm not afraid

but i realize

that your ears may

not quite be

as welcoming

as your smile

give me poison

but please

don't take away

the reason

cleanse my blood

because i don't want you to know

that you have me

enslaved

biting my tongue off

and hiding my shaking hands

in wet pockets

thank you for

allowing me

to breathe

because i am quickly

forgetting how

i never know

when i've said too much

and there are grounds

in my coffee

...

burned in.

all the hand downs

have been handed down

it was once a big house

built by someone

owned by someone else

it was once a beautiful house

to someone

now it's a slum

your story is nothing new

your pain is nothing new

your memories are now stained

by the trauma they caused

you didn't live

you survived

and now

it's all over your face

it's in your eyes

it's in your voice

it's in your love

and in your hate

you are one of many

with details that don't mean

anything

to anyone

but you

sometimes it just feels good

to get it out though

doesn't it

but then again

you wish you didn't say

anything

all the shame

all the regret

all the blame

that you wish would just

go away

and be forgotten

is now on your mind

even more

failed therapy

and you can feel

the minutes

and the days

falling off of you

as you sit in your dwelling

dwelling

it's been years

so many years

but no

it is tonight

...