climbing.

this pursuit of happiness

and freedom

we can't help but strive for

finds an enemy within

generations of fighting

endless battles

comes with a cost

we want far more

than we need

and we are so convinced

that we need it all

even at the price

of our brothers

and sisters

and it almost seems

inherent

to push off another's head

to get up to the next

and we start to rationalize

how unfair it is

and we get

desensitized

all to say

it's

mine

mine

mine

so we step on toes

until they break

and think it's fine

suppress the feeling

of right and wrong

and instead

it's

them or me

thinking that someday

someday...

i'll be king

never mind

how lonely

how shameful

how shallow

how empty

it may be

as long as i end up

on top

it will never be enough

onto the next rung

the next step

it's always on the

next one up

the next one

the next one

the next one

...

yeah yeah yeah.

the truth

yeah yeah yeah...

the truth.

the same simple word

i've used for decades

yet so much still eludes

the truth is

i am in turmoil.

and knowing that i am

lucky

to even be alive

though wonderful

doesn't solve the problems

in my head

i miss things

real things

things that breathe

things that loved me

people

animal

plus another thing

life

i have the best friend

i could ever hope to have

so many times

he has saved me
although

it's not what you may think

i am so grateful

more so than i can ever express to him

but it doesn't stop all the bleeding inside

in time

i hope it will

but time can really hurt

we know this

we have to suffer

to get

there

we get older

we realize that there are no

perfectly green pastures

over four decades

of life

i know this

but that does not mean

that complete unhappiness

is all we get

we hurt

we die slowly

but we don't always

have to feel that way

i am trying

i am reaching

i am sticking to my beliefs

i don't care who

thinks i may be

a liar

or even manipulative

i know it isn't true

it's their problem

and as much as i wish

it wasn't so

i don't have much say over that

i am guilty

just like you

because we're not perfect

and we never will be

at the same time

we are all perfect

we are perfectly who we are

we all trip and fall

and make mistakes

and we don't know what to do next

or how to deal with

how we feel

and riding it out

gets old

and really hurts

all the time

even when we realize

that this is how we have to do it

don't be afraid to cry out

don't be afraid to trust

don't be afraid to

believe

just don't

...

this is tonight.

i am overwhelmed with:

confusion

frustration

uncertainty

outright fear

and...

at the same time:

gratitude

love

friendship

outright hope...

how can that be?!?!

i am a cauldron

of emotions

that i can't understand

and it makes me feel stupid

at my age

not to be

and feel

more...

stable.

as always,

i know i am not alone

but that doesn't give me

any answers...

part of me

could really give a shit...

ya know??

this is life,

yes?

right?

but that doesn't

always help...

does it?

i know

that you know

this feeling

perhaps

to a lesser

or more

degree...

and this is exactly why

this is written

we can suffer

alone.

we can rejoice

alone.

but i want to share

why?

because it's who i am.

so...

i ask you...

do you read on?

or stop right here?

so now we all have choices...

stay

go

move

stand still

live

or die

literally

figuratively

what are you gonna do?

what am i gonna to do?

no one knows...

no one knows...

no one could ever

know.

but we can

help each other

decide

we can help each other

continue on

through this maze...

you don't owe me anything...

not a response

of any kind

not even any simple

recognition at all

you can turn your back

and this will

all continue

anyway

i just do this

i reach out

i let you in

and i don't care

i really don't

like it or not

here it is

tonight

...