Tuesday, July 31, 2012


what if you're wrong?
all these thoughts
gut instincts
that you are so sure about
these images
that have transformed
into your reality...
so often
we tend to see past
any sort of
reasonable doubt
but what can we know
beyond any reasonable doubt
in our everyday lives?
and if you always know
what will happen next
next week
next year
the next time
then you are boring
because you'll never
to anything
but it's all lies
lies to yourself
lies about your whole entire life
you believe you can see through me?
you can't even see the wall
you're about to walk straight into
the best part is
it doesn't matter
and still
you have something
to prove
but that something
is nothing at all
and deep down inside
you know it
you're hiding
but i can see you
and so can everyone else
it's so clear
so why do it?
trying to make sense
of the senseless?
because we believe
it gives us some control
but it doesn't
not at all
but rather
it just
tightens the blinders
as we hone our skill
of avoidance
and apathy
i ask you:
what do you want?
do you even know?
if you don't ease back
you may never know
and that makes you
even more boring still
there's always an excuse
there's always an angle
that makes you feel safe
and justified
so you react
by trying not to react
it's easier to give up
fuck up
and ditch out
do you truly believe
it scars you less?
i'm sorry
but i will never believe that
all those things you do
that you would never really do
to make your quick
and seemingly less painful
to relieve yourself
of the burden
of caring
will not kill you
they have killed you
in your mind
since you know it all
your life has been lived
it's been over
for a long time
and now 
you are just coasting on rails
what will it take
to wake you up?
what will it take
to get yourself
in motion
and see what you've got?
show me
show somebody
most of all
show yourself
that you aren't just a shell
long vacated

Wednesday, July 25, 2012


the truth
we are seekers
of the truth
even though
at times
we don't really want to know
but we cannot stand
not to
so we push
and pull
and take it on
the endeavor
to find out
no one wants to be left out
in the dark
we search for light
we want to see
we want to know
we need to know
these questions
and doubts
they chew away
in our bellies
tearing us apart
breaking us down
for me
it's not wanting to miss out
on something
and meaningful
i don't like to waste time
i like to spend it
and if i can know
i can act
good or bad
i want resolution
i want to keep moving
kills me slowly
and regardless
of how tough life can be
i want to live
i want to see
as much as i can
can i do more?
of course i can
can i explore more options than i do?
but we all have restraints
situations and responsibilities
that slow us down
put up roadblocks
and detours
in the road
we wish was open
with no limits
but that is simply
not in our reality
take the chances you can afford
and take them
because some of these chances
may not come again
for a long time
if at all
i am afraid
i have reservations
i have doubts
"will this take me to a better place?"
"or will it take me down?"
but we will never know
unless we take
leaps of faith
i want to know
so badly
what i may or may not be capable of
and as i grow older
the days
the months
the years
they seem to pass faster
and faster
so i try
to grab on
and hold on
not only to what matters
and has mattered for so many years
but also
to what may be
to what may exist out here
for me
this enthusiasm
is not constant
like you
at times
i want to hide under the sheets
and face nothing
but that is just a day
here and there
and maybe
we need that "break"
from time to time
in this world
at this time
it is hard
to keep our PMA
but i feel
we must try
things change
they always do
and they always will
is out of our control
nothing stays the same
but we have more power
than we sometimes believe we do
i am telling you
because wherever
and whoever you are
i care
and it doesn't matter
if we've met
a thousand times
or just once
you are special
and you are no one
just like me
but your impact
has been felt
by others
regardless of how
insignificant you believe you may be
you matter
the outside world
will always effect us
but we can see through
and be who we are
please believe me
because we are the same
we are all connected
more than you or i know
remain a seeker
of the truth
the truth
that lies
inside of you
and the truth
to be found in this life
because you deserve it
and because
it will bring us together
more so
than you or i could
possibly imagine

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

choose your pain.

hatred hurts
we hate
what we cannot
what we cannot
figure out
hatred is the cop out
to trying
to learning
to understanding
yet love...
hurts even more
we don't give up so easily
we want to understand
we want to know
we want to believe
does it exist?
can it exist?
day in
day out
we fight
within ourselves
struggling to
find out
all the while
the cynicism
that fills air around us
"if it seems too good to be true,
then it must be"
but we don't want to believe that
we want to defy the odds
we want to believe
that love is real
and we want to feel it
but it is hard
to keep the walls down
and the doors open
to be vulnerable
is the more difficult path
and if it doesn't pay off
we begin the process
of hatred
i find it funny
in the saddest of ways
that the popular
most practiced belief
is the opposite
of what seems so clear
to me
living in a box
is no life i wish to lead
letting any and every
force the walls in
even closer
until there is no room left
not even for ourselves
i turned my brick walls
into paper ones
and broke through them
a long time ago
and though tonight
i sit alone
i wouldn't trade the experiences
i've had
for anything in this world
i still believe
i know it's out there
the fact that we will all
will not change
but it is us
who decides
it is us
who have the power to choose
what we will suffer for
for me
the choice is clear
and obvious
i will suffer for love.

Saturday, July 14, 2012


i wanna just let go
of all of my restraint
and do things i'll regret
even though
that isn't me
but sometimes...
i wanna do it anyway
i want to let everyone know
just how i feel
and i do
i just want to feel loved
and then i do
i want warm
loving skin
against my own
a long
meaningful embrace
and sometimes
 i get that
i want to passionately
and aggressively
fuck with all my heart
and body can handle
i wish
to be taken from this life
in my sleep
i lay awake
and wonder about you
i simply want to run away
not exist
be erased from any memory
anyone may have of me
sometimes i feel these things
and so many others

Wednesday, July 11, 2012


we take them
we make them
whether we want to
or not
we have to deal with them
and the politics
these crooked beliefs
that someone debated
to somehow make sense
to someone
sometimes to you
sometimes to me
lean the scales
of our decisions
just how much time
do you or i have
to make the right decisions
sometimes you must act
without thought
even when your heart
is in the right place
the involvement of others
effect the outcomes
of our choices
most of us
aren't instinctually out
to hurt another
but it happens
doesn't it?
we make choices
that we dread
having to live with
but we make them nonetheless
no choice
no time
no other options
sometimes we prevail
sometimes we slip
and take a nasty fall
we can only prepare so much
for what we think
we may have to encounter
and it stings
and we want to go back
and react differently
but we cannot
is it too late
damage insues
we break things
we never wanted to break
and then
they are gone forever
most of the time
these "cat-like" reflexes
we wish to possess
we never will
you will screw up
so will i
it happens to everyone
all the time
without reason
without warning
without any control
we can practice
we can attempt
to have forsight
it helps
but it is no failsafe
this is not meant to
be negative
or positive
it is merely
an observation
within myself
over many many years
i believe
the very best way
to deal with it
is to come to terms with it
you will never be perfect
not to anyone else
not in your own mind
not in this lifetime
realize this
and it helps you let go
helps you
not think so damn much
about everything
maybe we can
make our daily decisions
with clearer thought
and maybe
just maybe
we can stay upright
just a little more often

Saturday, July 7, 2012


as lonely as you feel
try to know
you are not alone
not ever
this feeling
of dead end road
of isolation
could never be
just for you
it hurts
it is supposed to hurt
if it didn't
how much
would love mean?
to anyone?
this pain
among so many pains
balances out
our entire lives
you will never see again
any of the sights you've seen
the sounds you've heard
the times you've had
it will never be the same again
because those things are gone
the shades
the rooms
the time and the date
will always be different
you will
feel again
as you live
and breathe
you will feel
you may never think
that anything could change
but you couldn't stop it
as hard as you may ever try
how you live
how you hurt
how you love
how and who you are
and from each moment on
is guided by
all of your comforts
and ills
will be felt
that is how you will recognize
that is how you will decide
where to go
who you know
every little aspect
of all that you do
is based on how you feel
and though at times
you don't have much
you have so much more
than you could possibly
i hope you feel better

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

the endless belief.

i have held my breath
i have bitten my tongue
this endless
and stubborn
has kept me alive
more than a dream
to someday come true
more than just a goal to reach
or fight for
this fire
is who i am
beyond consuming
it exudes from my every pore
it can never change
i cannot release
to say i would give my life
may sound like a graven
sacrificial end
but no
to give my life
in this case
giving all i can give
to live
to love
to share
and experience
any and every
that may avail itself
and in this giving
i too want to live
where trust feels natural
because it exists
where love feels warm
because it is real
and doubt
is nothing more
than a memory
a myth
why believe?
why hope?
as useless as it feels
at times
i have no choice
i cannot give up
i cannot forget
if it can happen
and i do believe
it can happen
i want to see it
i want to live it
it can't just be a thought
it can't just be an idea
it's out here somewhere
my eyes
my ears
my arms
my heart
are all