Thursday, December 25, 2014

cephalodynia.

knives in my brain
when i'm alone
another crease
in my aging face
it's not all bad
because it gets better
never all the way
but it gets better
pain and guilt
and regret
and frustration
move me
survival
fear
the only thing i know
is that i'll either be
breathing
or i won't
how i take my
heres and nows
is all mine
and as it is
as i am so flawed
i don't always make
the best choices
i don't always take
the best road
but i do take
my own way
up or down
and i grow
and i learn
and i live
i survive
and i will continue
to do so
until the road ends
and there are no more
choices
no more moves
no more chances
and no more breaths
to take
...

Sunday, September 14, 2014

arm's length.

i can feel you nearing
the electric tingle
in my center
and the rising of the hairs
on my arms and neck
self conscious stirring
and twice as upset
because i know
i shouldn't feel this way
smile only with my lips
don't say a word
try not to stare
i can apologize later
i've seen us together
laughing and tripping
over each other
i've felt your acceptance
of all that i am
but only in a dream
and it's so juvenile to me
i feel like a teenager
like it's the very first time
and it isn't even real
and i'm fairly certain
that it never could be
this is why i keep you
at a distance
it won't be you
it will be me
i can never hurt you
if you never even know
i was here
...

Sunday, July 6, 2014

broken.

sitting in the dark
feeling like a child
wishing for tears
to wash away
some of the pain
from anger
to shame
it's never easy
and it's my fault
my escape
was to become my fear
backed into corners
we survive
even if it makes life
worse
hit and pitched
now ugly
and unwanted
once touched
now broken forever
and some choices
are too hard to make
bruised blue
and cold
they saw great things for me
i made them eat their words
i never saw any future
i never saw a place
i never found a home
i found suffering
i found loneliness
and all the hate i felt
i felt towards myself
how could you love me
when i've never loved me
it makes sense
i crawled into it
the only place
i've ever known
i remain
...


Wednesday, June 4, 2014

ad hoc.

forever is
just a concept
an idea
the only things
that seem to last
are involuntary
clocks and calendars
are ornamental
because some minutes
feel longer than others
and time will end
for us
when there is no breath left
and as final as it seems
as dismal
depressing
and sad
it is what it is
the only fact
it doesn't matter
what we think tomorrow is
we are wrong
and as a thousand yesterdays
are forgotten
there is only one
today
...

Friday, May 23, 2014

crash.

cracked windshields
and blood stained t-shirts
manufactured landscapes
with fake man-made
sunlight
we have a number
and a story
before we're old enough
to even read them
we're breathing poison
inhaling it
eating it
drinking it
seeing it
and hearing it
innocence has never
been an option
for any of us
papers with numbers
and deadlines
reminding us
that we'll never be free
and as our skin wrinkles
and our dreams fade
nothing will ever have
that new smell again
statements and forms
with official stamps
from the beginning
to the end
our birth
and death certificates
will bookend our lives
after working all day
on my feet in worn out shoes
i realized that i have developed
a slight limp
as i walk into the house
perhaps i never noticed
because in my head
i've had that limp
for years
...


vertigo.

i'm falling in slow motion
and no one can catch me
and it's fine
losing my breath
and losing my
confidence
and i've been losing my mind
for a long time now
nothing but secondhand air
because i can't afford
anything new anymore
i can look you in the eyes
but i'm not the alpha
i once was
so it hurts a bit more
as i break mine
and stare at the floor
wondering how i ever
made it this far
or if it matters at all
i thought i knew better
but perhaps
i've never known
i live with the consequences
of my conscience
every minute
of every day
there is nowhere
to run and hide
and this place i'm in
is killing me
this is the price
of loving
of caring
of making mistakes
and sometimes
it's just not ok
...

Monday, April 21, 2014

filters.

please stop me
from saying another
godforsaken word
mute me
if only for a moment
cleanse my breath
let me consider
you
let me reconsider
me
your brains are just as
intimidating
as your beauty is
and i'll tell you
everything
i'm not afraid
but i realize
that your ears may
not quite be
as welcoming
as your smile
give me poison
but please
don't take away
the reason
cleanse my blood
because i don't want you to know
that you have me
enslaved
biting my tongue off
and hiding my shaking hands
in wet pockets
thank you for
allowing me
to breathe
because i am quickly
forgetting how
i never know
when i've said too much
and there are grounds
in my coffee
...

Thursday, April 3, 2014

burned in.

all the hand downs
have been handed down
it was once a big house
built by someone
owned by someone else
it was once a beautiful house
to someone
now it's a slum
your story is nothing new
your pain is nothing new
your memories are now stained
by the trauma they caused
you didn't live
you survived
and now
it's all over your face
it's in your eyes
it's in your voice
it's in your love
and in your hate
you are one of many
with details that don't mean
anything
to anyone
but you
sometimes it just feels good
to get it out though
doesn't it
but then again
you wish you didn't say
anything
all the shame
all the regret
all the blame
that you wish would just
go away
and be forgotten
is now on your mind
even more
failed therapy
and you can feel
the minutes
and the days
falling off of you
as you sit in your dwelling
dwelling
it's been years
so many years
but no
it is tonight
...

Monday, March 31, 2014

employee.

in my mind
my pockets are
turned out
i pawned my dreams
for rent
and electric bills
i have no more
good ideas
no more free wind
through my hair
no more trips
to distant lands
i wouldn't know
where to go
if i could
anymore
just name tags
and ugly black
leather shoes
fake smiling faces
smiling back at me
and i've conned myself
into caring
for so long
that perhaps
now
i actually do
small paychecks
and
big headaches
the luxury of sleep
that i can afford
i don't
and i haven't
for a long
long time
spending my last
few dollars
on poison
so many poisons
it makes no
difference
they're all toxic
it's all toxic
and i'll only know
how fast it's been
killing me
at the end
and i'll wish
i had done it
differently
only
it will be
too late
...

Monday, March 17, 2014

perceive.

it can be hard
to believe
things
things we hear
things we feel
things we see
we wonder
if we can
understand
if it is true
we want to believe
words
people
ourselves
and whether it
matters
or it doesn't
sometimes
we want it to
so we believe
to keep us calm
to keep us in touch
to give us something
to hold onto
i do believe
that we are all
very deeply
connected
but still
i question
do you hear
what i hear
do you feel
what i feel
do you see
what i see?
...

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

pitchfork.

the demons are
dancing
and laughing
at me
they taunt me
endlessly
singing me
the saddest songs
and whispering lies
in my ears
until they bleed
with smirks
on their faces
secrets and curses
making me doubt
who i am
asking me if
the life i've led
will bring me
the death
i deserve
they never tire
feeding on
my screams
and tears
constantly reminding me
that i am their king
that i created them this way
and that they
will only die
when i do
they look just like me
they sound just like me
they suffer
just like me
their torment
is almost
beautiful
there is a pitchfork
beside my bed
they are waiting
...



Monday, February 17, 2014

head case.

anxiety
a lead weight
in my belly
a sharp chill
down my spine
what was it
that i said
or did
that went against
my nature
and is now
echoing
in my head?
shame and regret
all of the wasted
minutes
hours
days
it's just a feeling
i tell myself
to let it go
try not to care
i can't
it's not me
that's not who i am
i want to know
though it does not
matter
causes and effects
there is always
a reason
but i can't figure it out today
and as night falls
it's worse
because i'm tired
and this poison
is still inside me
and i can't give up
no matter
how hard
i try
...

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

pre-mortem.

as thoughts
become actions
they can also become
dangerous
sometimes
it's not what we do
it's what we don't
that haunts us
needles and smoke
knives and bullets
even love
keep your eyes
open
be careful when you blink
right now
we are all here
and some things
require a second
thought
we all know
that the truth
can hurt
and as tragedy
seems less shocking
and we are more surprised
by a smile
we need to keep on
smiling
we need to set
the tone
we need to keep it
together
we can not let
the story of our lives
become
the story of
our death
...

Thursday, January 16, 2014

self defeat.

this broken
humanity
is cold and hard
like concrete
the bricks fall
like rain
crushing the love
out of me
wounds on wounds
as my body
fights back
begging for it
to stop
just makes it
worse
your smile
hits me like
a hammer
it's never
enough
you'll tell me
that i
deserved it
just as they
told you
it's not fair
it's never
fair
everything breaks
like shattering glass
as i grow
weaker
i gave you this
i cast the stones
it was me
...

Friday, January 3, 2014

complex.

staring at my enemy
in the mirror
i've avoided you
for so long
thanking the tears
for blurring my image
and trying to
protect me
from the shame
and all
that apologies
cannot fix
this uneasy feeling
i get at dusk
as the landscape changes
without me
my veins are tired
from all the bad blood
that passes through them
all that i could have
and should have done
and the chances
i will never have again
like footprints in sand
they are washed away
and it doesn't matter
i honestly never wanted more
than to be happy
and as i stripped away
the means
i learned the truth
and that
it just doesn't work
that way
when you smile
it makes me smile
but it is fleeting
and again
i find myself
lost in the desert
alone
knowing
it doesn't have to be
this way
it
just
is
...