Thursday, December 1, 2011


all too often
all the same
greener grass grows
where heads never rest
wants and needs
twist and change color
seeing numbers
it seems so familiar
the patterns
turn and change shape
learn and keep learning
only one ear
can touch the ground
while the other waits it's turn
and the history fades
even faster than the
paper does
and the forgotten
is remembered
against the will
of even the most
seasoned veteran
hearts beat
and breaths are taken
and thus
minds continue

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

i survive.

still standing
from a storm
of both ice and fire
i couldn't explain it
if i tried
i am alive
living in the shadow
of all that's been
of the solid brick wall
built to keep me
no sunlight
no sunlight for me
keeping me pale
keeping me sick
i can run for days
in shadows
no sunlight
i imagine
it's my own imagination
designing the levels
of my nightmares
cold and damp
always dark
but for some reason
i scale the walls
i keep running
i smile for you
for this is not your fault
i would never bring you in
further than this
you deserve a smile
until you don't
i avoid mirrors
so i don't have to see
no sunlight
this is how
i survive

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

short & sweet

this is a request:

a simple gesture
gather your strength
gather your love
gather good thoughts
about those you love
about those you care for
and those who care for you
and send it to them
you don't have to call them
or write to them
or talk about them
just take some time
and within yourself
think of them
not because life is fleeting
not because something bad has happened
or could happen tonight
or tomorrow
but because
you can.

Friday, June 24, 2011


i have a brother
a true friend
i will talk to anyone
but when it comes to my brother
i can say anything
i trust
without hesitation
never a single moment of doubt
and i know for a fact
he feels the same
i consider myself very fortunate 
we would fight 
over who would take the bullet
to save the other
i know he will read this
and know it is about him
after the very first line
i feel so strongly
about just how important this is to me
that i can write this
for all to see
with both pride and honor
i am grateful.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


who will you turn to
when you are at last ready to admit
that you need help
where will you go
where your tears won't become
a hailstorm
will you claim 
that your beating was unfair
though it will not matter
right or wrong
good or bad
it never matters
and you know it
but still
you will fight
an imaginary foe
new wounds
next to old scars
gained on the same battlefield
on which you raised yourself 
and every adversary
shares your very face
they keep coming
this stubborn Pavlovian experiment
you've cast on yourself
begs you to realize
it's futility
so tell me
now that you've decided
that no one can be trusted
and your full-grown ego tells you
that you are the only one
and that no one could possibly understand...
such arrogance
keeps you well hidden
your fear of being vulnerable
will always win
until you let go
and let yourself

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Stir Crazy.

i don't even want the things i want tonight
so there are no answers
just dull thudding
sullen shades normally calming
are boring
and these nights never end
all i can hear
is the pulse from my temple on a pillow
it reminds me of walking through snow
as a child
the same bizarre image
as far back as i can remember
it never happened
like so many other things
countless cycles to break
before it's all over
the same conversation
i have with myself
over and over
the great debate
can never end
while i have breath
as blood and air move
no matter how still i may lay
i remain.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Let Go.

you ask me to believe
you want me to believe
dare i could i wish i could even think
that you would care
so much about
the difference between
truth and dishonesty

before i go into
before i give it
before i let it
get the best of me

you know how much it takes
it takes it takes it takes
you've seen what it does to me
you've seen it

but still and still you ask me
believe believe believe believe
and you know i want to see
you know how bad i want to hear
to see it hear it feel it

you know just how fucking badly

so before i swallow
before i take it take it take it take it
before i push it in
i hope for once in your miserable life

if you can possibly believe in me

let go.

Friday, April 22, 2011

i was just wondering...

i was sitting alone...
i do that sometimes...
random thoughts.
disturbing thoughts i'm fighting to overcome...
then i was wondering...
do you know i'm alive?
do you know i am here?
could you be sitting alone like i am?
what are the chances...
i could be on your mind?
it's silly - i know.
but to clear my mind as best i can,
i must let my thoughts roam freely,
selfishly at times,
selflessly at times.
i could put my arms around you
and pull you into myself
and pull myself into you.
if you asked me to - i would never let go.
i would fight to my very last breath,
just to see you smile.
if i can make you smile,
my day is made
my month, my week, my year...
my life...
would gain meaning.
silly - i know... to you...
but to me,
it means everything.
i have given myself away
many times...
and i've been tossed away like garbage,
but i don't care.
when i give myself to you,
i am ready for whatever you may do.
you are free to do what you will.
i can only hope
deep in my heart
that you may embrace me...
but that is just a wish
not an obligation. 
just as you are free to cast me away
i am free to stay beside you...
for as long as i can.

Monday, March 7, 2011

where does it get you?

do you know right from wrong?
yeah, you do...
you can rationalize just about anything to make your life a little bit easier for the moment...
does it really work out?
nah, it doesn't, does it?
when you let the actions or gestures of another change the man or woman you are or want to be,
you have become controlled.
you have conformed.
you lose.
is it so tough not to let what "they" do - change you?
at times, yes, it is.
does it hurt?
but where does it get you?
you become what you despise.
you become less than what you are.
you sell yourself out - cheat yourself.
true strength rises above.
it's not how you fall...
it's how you stand back up that matters.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

ego, ego...

set me free. set me free? do i even know what that could mean? perspective could dictate that we are, in fact, free... or that we are simply rats in a cage. freedom, some will say, comes from within. from letting go of ego. i do agree to a point... but what drives us? we all admire someone, but do we wish to emulate to gain the self respect of reaching the levels we seeks so desperately? or do we strive to express ourselves as purely as possible to reach such heights? for myself, at least, it took many hard years of suffering, discipline and most of all, a strong resolve to best conquer what i believe to be the most mysterious & confusing emotion we can feel - envy. it can manifest itself in so many peculiar ways in our minds... deep down... causing us to naturally react consciously in ways in which we do not understand, or even want to feel. joy in the suffering of others... anger & frustration in their success. in every aspect of our lives, our level of security & self-respect can allow us to release the stranglehold of envy. in my own life, i've found love, anger, happiness, sadness... even hatred to be rather simple to not only resolve within myself & understand (at least enough to express them for what they are), but also to feel these emotions more purely. but envy... that's the tough one. the psychological nightmare. it can effect every emotion, change the simplest of gestures into a spiral of self-doubt, insecurity & rage that burns like blue flame inside & chills us to the bone, rendering us cold, bitter & jaded. simple jealously aside, i believe envy runs far deeper. i don't let myself fall to jealousy anymore, but rather try to understand where silent envy may be in any way an underlying factor in my life. as i continue to try to discover it, i learn to let it go. i try to think of my daily life & where envy comes into play in my own mind, try to control it, & then see myself unfold into the man i know i can be. the man i wish to be. the man i feel i am inside. i love to talk with friends about this very topic, see not only where they stand, but see how it effects them as well. there is so much more to discover about how to... well... not control, but live with our ever changing emotions & feelings. i welcome any discussion offered. you'll find my guard down, my mind open & honesty...
thanks for reading. - t

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Preparation Fails...

Always thought that I would have the strength to rise above anything
After all I’ve been through & all I’ve seen – the preparation…
But I still avoid the street where it happened – the place eludes me
I held it all in to be strong for others – I never let it out
Set myself up for a big crash

Never understood the sentiment
Though I could beat it out of my mind
But now I know – I can never forget
And that human is human after all
I am one – I am one

My blood runs colder as I approach the crime scene
And as my hands start to shake – I am lost in that moment
Trained myself for so many years – not to be bitter – not to blame
Take it out on myself in private & be done with it
But as I found myself in that room freezing from the inside out
I can see what becomes of me

Never understood the sentiment
Thought I could beat it out of myself
But now I know – I can’t forget it
And that human is human after all
And that I am one – I am one

Staring at the threshold of what I can take
Just how much it would take to break me down
I’ve learned just how far logic can take me
Before it’s simply too much to justify
I start to crack & some can see it
 And as my age starts to show
I know I can never go back

Never understood the sentiment
Though I could beat it out of my mind
But now I know – I can never forget
And that human is human after all
I am one – I am one

When I hit the wall & bricks started to fall
I tried so hard to catch them all
But when I got spent I realized
That sometimes enough becomes too much

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Twenty One Years Old.

You won't miss the little things I do because you never noticed them...

You won't remember my smile because you never felt it in your heart...

The time we shared together is the time you refer to as "spent", not shared...

You will tell yourself over and over that what you did was right until you believe it...

Your memory of me will be whatever is easiest for you to deal with. That's your style...

You will end up alone and lonely...

You will always consider yourself unlucky and you convince yourself it's a fact...

You will always find an excuse to ruin a wonderful thing because you are so afraid of failure, yet you fail yourself every time...

If you tell yourself the same lie again and again, you will most likely start to believe it, thus losing your grasp on reality...

You will say that there is something wrong with you and claim that you do not know what it is just to avoid making a move...

You make decisions when you have no idea what to choose. Why do you do that?...

Your deep side frightens you so much that you never get involved in anything. In time you will completely lose touch and become totally alone and depressed and boring...

You feel that you can make it through life by living a shallow existence, yet you will always wonder why no one really cares about you...

You run away from any new challenge which you must face alone...

You turn your back on those who love you & embrace those who don't care about you because it's easier that way...

You are beautiful yet you will not accept the compliment for fear that someone will take advantage of you...

You are naive because you don't pay attention to what's really going on around you...

People use you and lie to you because they know you can blow it off...

When you act like you don't care, people will take what they can from you because they think you have no self respect...

People who want from you will tell you anything you want to hear if it gets them what they want...

You listen to people as if they see your side, but you must realize that they don't and never will...

If you don't want to change yourself, then you don't have to - to feel pain and be unhappy and confused sometimes is only human...

There are a million directions you can go and no one can stop you but you...

What's right and what's wrong are just opinions, you just have to decide which opinions matter to you...

Someone may say something to you a hundred times and it may never sink in, yet another can say something only once and it may change your life forever. Isn't it strange how one person's words can be valued so highly over another's?...

Different people understand things in different ways. You must realize this...

Your reality and my reality are different. Your views and my views are different. Just as different as any two people on Earth. If there is a problem... Solve the problem.

- a short excerpt from one of the six existing books seven I wrote between 1990 - 1994. This is from April 3, 1993. I was twenty one years old.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Getting Itchy.

You know how it feels when you want to express yourself with more than just words written, spoken... gestured? When you know that there is another way? When that want becomes an unfulfilled need? It is torture.

Every emotion... all at once... all together...

Spending more than half your life with it still in your belly, through all the adrenalin filled moments... and all the quiet, motionless ones? Having tried to give it up, hopelessly, over and over and over again...?

Through sanity, insanity... consciouncness, semi-consciouncness, unconsciouncness?? 

Still... there...

Almost as if it's waiting inside of you. Stubborn. Whispering to you in the most gentle of voices just how much of your mind and heart it will take to rip from your very soul?

My cries for liberation age me... while fueling the fire of my youth. 
Pushing. Pulling. Tension.

My own hands holding on so tightly. 
I just want to let go...