Wednesday, April 22, 2015

intramural.

as we look
through these windows
the ones inside
we believe
that we are alone
but we know
that we aren't
trying to connect
in love
in hate
in our happiness
and even in our
envy
spending our lives
searching for answers
that do not exist
to questions
that do not truly mean
anything
and we wonder
why
how is this
the passing of time
it wears us down
and as we grow tired
and frustrated
we try not to care
we deny
we try to stop
we try to forget
we cut off
to protect ourselves
from ourselves
because sometimes
the pain is too much
and we need to survive
even if we don't
we need to
we know we must
the invisible enemies
inside of us
that we create
are killers
and at times
they hurt more
than knives
or fists
ever could
...

Saturday, March 28, 2015

wet blankets.

unfulfilled and incomplete
it's not the same
because everything changes
and nothing matters
except when we believe it does
and even then
it's never as it seems
and more is forgotten
than we can try to remember
now
tomorrow
or yesterday
it's an illusion
it seems so real
because we've gotten
used to it
but it still hurts
and we can't figure it out
we never will
because it's not real
chemical reactions
and emotional triggers
empowering
and
destroying us
all in the same
breath
in a blink
of our eyes
but we're blind
and suffocating
we think too much
it's time to admit
and realize
that we aren't
what we think
we are
we simply are
what we are
we don't have to like
the same things
we don't have to believe
the same things
we don't have to look
the same
but we are
we are all the same
chasing down an idea
of happiness
that can never be defined
who's to say
that dreams
aren't a real part
of our lives
...

Sunday, February 8, 2015

train wreck.

you're looking at me
and i'm wondering
what you're seeing
the way you break your eyes
the way you speak
makes me think
that you know things
things that i haven't
and will never
have to explain
like you can see
where i've been
and what i've done
and in your eyes
i can see
fear
respect
empathy
and a sense of
alleviation
that your escape
is only moments away
and even though
you want to see me
feel me
know me
understand me
if only for a moment in time
your eyes blink
and you realize
that it would be
ugly
painful
and overwhelming
and that it may not
wash off so easily
and that sometimes
it's best to leave
the beast in his cage
and simply
move on
...
 
 

Thursday, December 25, 2014

cephalodynia.

knives in my brain
when i'm alone
another crease
in my aging face
it's not all bad
because it gets better
never all the way
but it gets better
pain and guilt
and regret
and frustration
move me
survival
fear
the only thing i know
is that i'll either be
breathing
or i won't
how i take my
heres and nows
is all mine
and as it is
as i am so flawed
i don't always make
the best choices
i don't always take
the best road
but i do take
my own way
up or down
and i grow
and i learn
and i live
i survive
and i will continue
to do so
until the road ends
and there are no more
choices
no more moves
no more chances
and no more breaths
to take
...

Sunday, September 14, 2014

arm's length.

i can feel you nearing
the electric tingle
in my center
and the rising of the hairs
on my arms and neck
self conscious stirring
and twice as upset
because i know
i shouldn't feel this way
smile only with my lips
don't say a word
try not to stare
i can apologize later
i've seen us together
laughing and tripping
over each other
i've felt your acceptance
of all that i am
but only in a dream
and it's so juvenile to me
i feel like a teenager
like it's the very first time
and it isn't even real
and i'm fairly certain
that it never could be
this is why i keep you
at a distance
it won't be you
it will be me
i can never hurt you
if you never even know
i was here
...

Sunday, July 6, 2014

broken.

sitting in the dark
feeling like a child
wishing for tears
to wash away
some of the pain
from anger
to shame
it's never easy
and it's my fault
my escape
was to become my fear
backed into corners
we survive
even if it makes life
worse
hit and pitched
now ugly
and unwanted
once touched
now broken forever
and some choices
are too hard to make
bruised blue
and cold
they saw great things for me
i made them eat their words
i never saw any future
i never saw a place
i never found a home
i found suffering
i found loneliness
and all the hate i felt
i felt towards myself
how could you love me
when i've never loved me
it makes sense
i crawled into it
the only place
i've ever known
i remain
...


Wednesday, June 4, 2014

ad hoc.

forever is
just a concept
an idea
the only things
that seem to last
are involuntary
clocks and calendars
are ornamental
because some minutes
feel longer than others
and time will end
for us
when there is no breath left
and as final as it seems
as dismal
depressing
and sad
it is what it is
the only fact
it doesn't matter
what we think tomorrow is
we are wrong
and as a thousand yesterdays
are forgotten
there is only one
today
...