Tuesday, August 28, 2018

silent partner.

if only i knew you
but it's been so long
and i've spent so much time
trying to get to you
but there is only confusion
and pain
you seem afraid
and lost
and innocent
and guilty
you betray me
and i never understand why
you hurt me
and i can never tell
if you meant to
or not
or if you can even help it
you suffer
and i see no peace in your eyes
but you've learned to hide it
because no one can know
i don't think you even know
what you want
and perhaps you have never known 
but there is something
tearing at you
i am your passenger
so i too
am homeless
and lost
and without any permanence
we are out here
searching for something
but we have forgotten what
if we ever even knew
and we wouldn't know if we found it
because this is who we have become
i share this with you
this burden
this static life
and i don't even know
if you can be known at all
we are like ghosts
wandering together
hoping that someday
we find our place
and truly begin to live
and learn
who we are
...



Wednesday, May 23, 2018

progressive lonliness.

i have issues
inside
issues with issues
and even though it's old
and i am old
it never fades
and some things
never change
and no one cares
and i get it
because i want to not care
too
i don't know where i am
and each tide takes me
further out
into lostlessness
thinking i will die alone
will always hurt
it always hurts
knowing i will die alone
frees me from hurting you
because it's easier
if you don't love me
not for me
almost
but for you
for sure
it's been so long
and the last time wasn't real
or so i was told
or so i remember
or so it seems now
things are passing by
and i am still clueless
i'm not sure if i can function
and perhaps
i am the last to know
being alone
might be the only thing
i am doing right
...

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

ebbing.

i can feel a turning
a repetition
it's like a tide
i've felt it before
although i am not sure
if this tide is coming in
or going out
i've been wrong
blind and lost
i feel it constantly
and as i am living
i know it
i was never in denial
i was never indifferent
i've just never known
what to do
i am lonely
i can accept that
this tide
this wave
is in tune to whether i feel
that my loneliness
is a good thing
or a bad thing
i grind away
and wonder endlessly
i become fatigued
i start drawing lines
i shy away
i let it hurt and burn me
my love is always present
it's always in my heart
but i grow tired
and each time
i feel older
because i am older
this time no one held me
this time no one loved me
i so badly want to disappear
but i hang on
i wait
hoping that one day
i'll figure it out
before i am too far away
before i lose touch
before i run out of time
waiting for the next tide
...

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

impending latency.

trying to see past today
a bigger picture
see if a path exists
that will break
the cycles
all the jagged
spiraling
as we fall through time
searching and hoping
for answers
for some kind of
future
letting the uncertainty
strip away our sanity
and beg us
to give in
and hide away
i'm not sure if i have
another try in me
makes me want to stay
present
so i may survive
so i may stay in touch
even just a little
if i withdraw again
i may just gray away
for good
i'm not sure
if that is what's best
for me
but it may not matter
at all
staying quiet
is difficult for me
unless i stay away
unless i disappear
i have nothing to say
that i haven't already said
and regretted
a thousand times
so perhaps
i should stop
repeating myself
and simply
let go
and be
alone
...

Sunday, September 11, 2016

ascetic smile.

i no longer need
your compassion
your attention
your
love
it's been too long
and it's hurt too bad
and it's gotten too messy
and too ugly
and too unattainable
i don't need it
and i don't want it
anymore
i survived
i lived on hope
and dreams
for so long
that they finally broke
and i was already
broken
now
i am just numb
i found a new way to live
a new way to suffer
i found simplicity
this pain is new
and refreshing
and it may just keep me
away from all of those
memories
and reminders
all of those things
that killed me
so many times
but somehow
i am here
somehow
i learn to live
with myself
and although it gets
lonelier
it doesn't hurt
quite as bad
anymore
...

Thursday, March 31, 2016

grinding.

we leave everything behind
unknowingly
gravity flattens our feet
and pulls our hearts down
we break our backs
picking up the pieces
over and over
we fail to see
that things break
and will remain broken
no matter what we do
i’ve learned
that perhaps
i am not defined
by my triumphs
but rather my losses
because of them
i can find some enjoyment
some clarity
some shelter
and some realization
that life
is about the struggle
and the suffering
and that there is solace
in knowing
that sometimes
it’s supposed to hurt



Thursday, November 12, 2015

buried.

there are things about me
that you'll never know
it's not that i wouldn't tell you
but i'm quite certain
you'll never ask
such ugly questions
so many important moments
so many
beautiful experiences
missed
leaving shotgun holes
in my life
while i was being foolish
making choices
i didn't want to make
making mistakes
ruining everything
and now time is having
it's way with me
i've learned to smile
a little
to find some happiness
in the little warmth
afforded to me
i don't know
whether i deserve it
or not
perhaps i'm numb
although
there is always pain
always suffering
it's always there
and there is no going back
maybe that's why
sad songs
make me feel
comfortable
maybe that's why
i can be thankful
for the small things
because i know
they are all
i'll ever have
...