Monday, February 7, 2022

vanish(but slowly).

alone
i deserve it
maybe
i don't know
i may not be
who i think i am
or thought i was
but it's getting late
and i am way behind
and being lonely
somehow feels
right
to protect myself
and others from me
i am trying to take care
it's hard to be sick
or physically broken
when you're alone
so i am doing this
instead of trying to find
someone
i made mistakes
huge mistakes
and it's better
if they are forgotten
or at very least
disregarded
there's no need
for memories of me
if i could forget
i would
so that's what i think
is happening
like smoke into the air
i disappear
...

Friday, November 13, 2020

black hole.

it's almost time

has been

for a long time

it's tipping

i've always been lost

i have nothing to give

nothing to offer

that would keep you close

i never have

that's why i fail

that's why i lose

i've never known

anything else

no home

no love

no people

always a stranger

always strange

always alone

i think i'm being fair

you don't deserve this

neither do i

i think you know what i mean

i don't expect it to mean much

though

i don't expect you to care

at one time it was all i wanted

someone to care

even a little

someone to know

and understand

and be with me

but i see now

that i am too far away

and too far

away

in so many ways

and every day

the one thing that gets clearer

is that this black hole

that i live in

is exactly where

i belong

...

Wednesday, April 24, 2019

in this pit.

sitting silently
gritting my teeth
it's not going away
i'm in a hole
it's deep and
it's dark
i've made so many mistakes
and i'm not believing
that there is much future left
i would have
and still would
give you everything
for a reason
for a place
for a way
it isn't that i don't care
it's that i realize
that these things
don't mean anything
i've never been home
i've never been where i belong
i doubt such a place exists
and i am getting older
and uglier
and i can't be completely
wrong
i trust you
and i love you
and i want to believe you
but i know it's too much to ask
so i don't anymore
every song is a sad song today
and i am singing along
and my heart aches
...

Sunday, December 30, 2018

brick roads.

back and forth
and in-between the lines
there's always a suffering point
always a rough spot
we can search for a clean route
and think we may find one
well maybe
i've been wrong so many times
and it wouldn't surprise me
to be wrong again
but i think that's just a dream
there's always
a little nightmare
in there somewhere
if you've found a way
please
take me through with you
i hope i don't ruin it
i promise i'll try
i really will
show me there's some light
after all
show me
...

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

silent partner.

if only i knew you
but it's been so long
and i've spent so much time
trying to get to you
but there is only confusion
and pain
you seem afraid
and lost
and innocent
and guilty
you betray me
and i never understand why
you hurt me
and i can never tell
if you meant to
or not
or if you can even help it
you suffer
and i see no peace in your eyes
but you've learned to hide it
because no one can know
i don't think you even know
what you want
and perhaps you have never known 
but there is something
tearing at you
i am your passenger
so i too
am homeless
and lost
and without any permanence
we are out here
searching for something
but we have forgotten what
if we ever even knew
and we wouldn't know if we found it
because this is who we have become
i share this with you
this burden
this static life
and i don't even know
if you can be known at all
we are like ghosts
wandering together
hoping that someday
we find our place
and truly begin to live
and learn
who we are
...



Wednesday, May 23, 2018

progressive lonliness.

i have issues
inside
issues with issues
and even though it's old
and i am old
it never fades
and some things
never change
and no one cares
and i get it
because i want to not care
too
i don't know where i am
and each tide takes me
further out
into lostlessness
thinking i will die alone
will always hurt
it always hurts
knowing i will die alone
frees me from hurting you
because it's easier
if you don't love me
not for me
almost
but for you
for sure
it's been so long
and the last time wasn't real
or so i was told
or so i remember
or so it seems now
things are passing by
and i am still clueless
i'm not sure if i can function
and perhaps
i am the last to know
being alone
might be the only thing
i am doing right
...

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

ebbing.

i can feel a turning
a repetition
it's like a tide
i've felt it before
although i am not sure
if this tide is coming in
or going out
i've been wrong
blind and lost
i feel it constantly
and as i am living
i know it
i was never in denial
i was never indifferent
i've just never known
what to do
i am lonely
i can accept that
this tide
this wave
is in tune to whether i feel
that my loneliness
is a good thing
or a bad thing
i grind away
and wonder endlessly
i become fatigued
i start drawing lines
i shy away
i let it hurt and burn me
my love is always present
it's always in my heart
but i grow tired
and each time
i feel older
because i am older
this time no one held me
this time no one loved me
i so badly want to disappear
but i hang on
i wait
hoping that one day
i'll figure it out
before i am too far away
before i lose touch
before i run out of time
waiting for the next tide
...

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

impending latency.

trying to see past today
a bigger picture
see if a path exists
that will break
the cycles
all the jagged
spiraling
as we fall through time
searching and hoping
for answers
for some kind of
future
letting the uncertainty
strip away our sanity
and beg us
to give in
and hide away
i'm not sure if i have
another try in me
makes me want to stay
present
so i may survive
so i may stay in touch
even just a little
if i withdraw again
i may just gray away
for good
i'm not sure
if that is what's best
for me
but it may not matter
at all
staying quiet
is difficult for me
unless i stay away
unless i disappear
i have nothing to say
that i haven't already said
and regretted
a thousand times
so perhaps
i should stop
repeating myself
and simply
let go
and be
alone
...

Sunday, September 11, 2016

ascetic smile.

i no longer need
your compassion
your attention
your
love
it's been too long
and it's hurt too bad
and it's gotten too messy
and too ugly
and too unattainable
i don't need it
and i don't want it
anymore
i survived
i lived on hope
and dreams
for so long
that they finally broke
and i was already
broken
now
i am just numb
i found a new way to live
a new way to suffer
i found simplicity
this pain is new
and refreshing
and it may just keep me
away from all of those
memories
and reminders
all of those things
that killed me
so many times
but somehow
i am here
somehow
i learn to live
with myself
and although it gets
lonelier
it doesn't hurt
quite as bad
anymore
...

Thursday, March 31, 2016

grinding.

we leave everything behind
unknowingly
gravity flattens our feet
and pulls our hearts down
we break our backs
picking up the pieces
over and over
we fail to see
that things break
and will remain broken
no matter what we do
i’ve learned
that perhaps
i am not defined
by my triumphs
but rather my losses
because of them
i can find some enjoyment
some clarity
some shelter
and some realization
that life
is about the struggle
and the suffering
and that there is solace
in knowing
that sometimes
it’s supposed to hurt