Thursday, December 25, 2014

cephalodynia.

knives in my brain
when i'm alone
another crease
in my aging face
it's not all bad
because it gets better
never all the way
but it gets better
pain and guilt
and regret
and frustration
move me
survival
fear
the only thing i know
is that i'll either be
breathing
or i won't
how i take my
heres and nows
is all mine
and as it is
as i am so flawed
i don't always make
the best choices
i don't always take
the best road
but i do take
my own way
up or down
and i grow
and i learn
and i live
i survive
and i will continue
to do so
until the road ends
and there are no more
choices
no more moves
no more chances
and no more breaths
to take
...

Sunday, September 14, 2014

arm's length.

i can feel you nearing
the electric tingle
in my center
and the rising of the hairs
on my arms and neck
self conscious stirring
and twice as upset
because i know
i shouldn't feel this way
smile only with my lips
don't say a word
try not to stare
i can apologize later
i've seen us together
laughing and tripping
over each other
i've felt your acceptance
of all that i am
but only in a dream
and it's so juvenile to me
i feel like a teenager
like it's the very first time
and it isn't even real
and i'm fairly certain
that it never could be
this is why i keep you
at a distance
it won't be you
it will be me
i can never hurt you
if you never even know
i was here
...

Sunday, July 6, 2014

broken.

sitting in the dark
feeling like a child
wishing for tears
to wash away
some of the pain
from anger
to shame
it's never easy
and it's my fault
my escape
was to become my fear
backed into corners
we survive
even if it makes life
worse
hit and pitched
now ugly
and unwanted
once touched
now broken forever
and some choices
are too hard to make
bruised blue
and cold
they saw great things for me
i made them eat their words
i never saw any future
i never saw a place
i never found a home
i found suffering
i found loneliness
and all the hate i felt
i felt towards myself
how could you love me
when i've never loved me
it makes sense
i crawled into it
the only place
i've ever known
i remain
...


Wednesday, June 4, 2014

ad hoc.

forever is
just a concept
an idea
the only things
that seem to last
are involuntary
clocks and calendars
are ornamental
because some minutes
feel longer than others
and time will end
for us
when there is no breath left
and as final as it seems
as dismal
depressing
and sad
it is what it is
the only fact
it doesn't matter
what we think tomorrow is
we are wrong
and as a thousand yesterdays
are forgotten
there is only one
today
...

Friday, May 23, 2014

crash.

cracked windshields
and blood stained t-shirts
manufactured landscapes
with fake man-made
sunlight
we have a number
and a story
before we're old enough
to even read them
we're breathing poison
inhaling it
eating it
drinking it
seeing it
and hearing it
innocence has never
been an option
for any of us
papers with numbers
and deadlines
reminding us
that we'll never be free
and as our skin wrinkles
and our dreams fade
nothing will ever have
that new smell again
statements and forms
with official stamps
from the beginning
to the end
our birth
and death certificates
will bookend our lives
after working all day
on my feet in worn out shoes
i realized that i have developed
a slight limp
as i walk into the house
perhaps i never noticed
because in my head
i've had that limp
for years
...


vertigo.

i'm falling in slow motion
and no one can catch me
and it's fine
losing my breath
and losing my
confidence
and i've been losing my mind
for a long time now
nothing but secondhand air
because i can't afford
anything new anymore
i can look you in the eyes
but i'm not the alpha
i once was
so it hurts a bit more
as i break mine
and stare at the floor
wondering how i ever
made it this far
or if it matters at all
i thought i knew better
but perhaps
i've never known
i live with the consequences
of my conscience
every minute
of every day
there is nowhere
to run and hide
and this place i'm in
is killing me
this is the price
of loving
of caring
of making mistakes
and sometimes
it's just not ok
...

Monday, April 21, 2014

filters.

please stop me
from saying another
godforsaken word
mute me
if only for a moment
cleanse my breath
let me consider
you
let me reconsider
me
your brains are just as
intimidating
as your beauty is
and i'll tell you
everything
i'm not afraid
but i realize
that your ears may
not quite be
as welcoming
as your smile
give me poison
but please
don't take away
the reason
cleanse my blood
because i don't want you to know
that you have me
enslaved
biting my tongue off
and hiding my shaking hands
in wet pockets
thank you for
allowing me
to breathe
because i am quickly
forgetting how
i never know
when i've said too much
and there are grounds
in my coffee
...