Saturday, September 5, 2015

senescence.

i remember
when the days were strange
and so were we
when we played with knives
and struggled for every wish
our lives were filled with danger
and our hearts with fire
we searched for each other
for the same passion in our eyes
our youth was perfectly ugly
i remember.
in many ways
i’m still the same man
but in many ways
i’m not
now
wanting hurts twice as much
because i'm not sure what i want anymore
and love is reserved
only for dreams
and even still
it is painful
perhaps it’s all the failure
or that getting older
for me
means letting go
suffering alone
and becoming numb
or maybe it’s just
the mood i find myself in
when i remember
...

Thursday, September 3, 2015

arithmetic.

the angels and demons
are the same
fighting for the innocence
of being right
belief based on
circumstance
they’re all guilty
friction creates energy
creates the passing of time
so that nothing is ever
exactly the same
the balance is always off
nothing is level
the message is never clear
the frustration
of all the same
unanswered questions
that mean nothing
over and over again
draw endless circles
in my mind
i’m sure that somehow
it all makes sense
and that the math is right
i’m just not getting it
...

Monday, June 15, 2015

artificial heart.

my love was lost
on you
because it was real
you loved me at my lowest
because it served you best
but it never lasted
and ever since
my heart is missing
stranded in a foreign city
in whichever state
you have moved on to
and how i live
by whatever artificial means
keeps me breathing
has become my life
karma keeps me nice
because i am too weak
to fight
or perhaps
when there is no heart left
to break
it is easier to be alone
time passes
and memories fade
but the feelings are still there
but there is nothing real
to embrace
it makes me feel sick
and it makes me feel
foolish
because i am
it means nothing
because there is no going back
and there is no future
there is no point
and there is nothing left
and i am not the same man
anymore
but still...
i listened to the album
and i heard the song
yesterday
and i dreamt about you
last night
and i woke up
this morning
cursing your name
again
...

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

intramural.

as we look
through these windows
the ones inside
we believe
that we are alone
but we know
that we aren't
trying to connect
in love
in hate
in our happiness
and even in our
envy
spending our lives
searching for answers
that do not exist
to questions
that do not truly mean
anything
and we wonder
why
how is this
the passing of time
it wears us down
and as we grow tired
and frustrated
we try not to care
we deny
we try to stop
we try to forget
we cut off
to protect ourselves
from ourselves
because sometimes
the pain is too much
and we need to survive
even if we don't
we need to
we know we must
the invisible enemies
inside of us
that we create
are killers
and at times
they hurt more
than knives
or fists
ever could
...

Saturday, March 28, 2015

wet blankets.

unfulfilled and incomplete
it's not the same
because everything changes
and nothing matters
except when we believe it does
and even then
it's never as it seems
and more is forgotten
than we can try to remember
now
tomorrow
or yesterday
it's an illusion
it seems so real
because we've gotten
used to it
but it still hurts
and we can't figure it out
we never will
because it's not real
chemical reactions
and emotional triggers
empowering
and
destroying us
all in the same
breath
in a blink
of our eyes
but we're blind
and suffocating
we think too much
it's time to admit
and realize
that we aren't
what we think
we are
we simply are
what we are
we don't have to like
the same things
we don't have to believe
the same things
we don't have to look
the same
but we are
we are all the same
chasing down an idea
of happiness
that can never be defined
who's to say
that dreams
aren't a real part
of our lives
...

Sunday, February 8, 2015

train wreck.

you're looking at me
and i'm wondering
what you're seeing
the way you break your eyes
the way you speak
makes me think
that you know things
things that i haven't
and will never
have to explain
like you can see
where i've been
and what i've done
and in your eyes
i can see
fear
respect
empathy
and a sense of
alleviation
that your escape
is only moments away
and even though
you want to see me
feel me
know me
understand me
if only for a moment in time
your eyes blink
and you realize
that it would be
ugly
painful
and overwhelming
and that it may not
wash off so easily
and that sometimes
it's best to leave
the beast in his cage
and simply
move on
...
 
 

Thursday, December 25, 2014

cephalodynia.

knives in my brain
when i'm alone
another crease
in my aging face
it's not all bad
because it gets better
never all the way
but it gets better
pain and guilt
and regret
and frustration
move me
survival
fear
the only thing i know
is that i'll either be
breathing
or i won't
how i take my
heres and nows
is all mine
and as it is
as i am so flawed
i don't always make
the best choices
i don't always take
the best road
but i do take
my own way
up or down
and i grow
and i learn
and i live
i survive
and i will continue
to do so
until the road ends
and there are no more
choices
no more moves
no more chances
and no more breaths
to take
...