Thursday, February 28, 2013

climbing.

this pursuit of happiness
and freedom
we can't help but strive for
finds an enemy within
generations of fighting
endless battles
comes with a cost
we want far more
than we need
and we are so convinced
that we need it all
even at the price
of our brothers
and sisters
and it almost seems
inherent
to push off another's head
to get up to the next
and we start to rationalize
how unfair it is
and we get
desensitized
all to say
it's
mine
mine
mine
so we step on toes
until they break
and think it's fine
suppress the feeling
of right and wrong
and instead
it's
them or me
thinking that someday
someday...
i'll be king
never mind
how lonely
how shameful
how shallow
how empty
it may be
as long as i end up
on top
it will never be enough
onto the next rung
the next step
it's always on the
next one up
the next one
the next one
the next one
...

Monday, February 11, 2013

yeah yeah yeah.

the truth
yeah yeah yeah...
the truth.
the same simple word
i've used for decades
yet so much still eludes
the truth is
i am in turmoil.
and knowing that i am
lucky
to even be alive
though wonderful
doesn't solve the problems
in my head
i miss things
real things
things that breathe
things that loved me
people
animal
plus another thing
life
i have the best friend
i could ever hope to have
so many times
he has saved me
although
it's not what you may think
i am so grateful
more so than i can ever express to him
but it doesn't stop all the bleeding inside
in time
i hope it will
but time can really hurt
we know this
we have to suffer
to get
there
we get older
we realize that there are no
perfectly green pastures
over four decades
of life
i know this
but that does not mean
that complete unhappiness
is all we get
we hurt
we die slowly
but we don't always
have to feel that way
i am trying
i am reaching
i am sticking to my beliefs
i don't care who
thinks i may be
a liar
or even manipulative
i know it isn't true
it's their problem
and as much as i wish
it wasn't so
i don't have much say over that
i am guilty
just like you
because we're not perfect
and we never will be
at the same time
we are all perfect
we are perfectly who we are
we all trip and fall
and make mistakes
and we don't know what to do next
or how to deal with
how we feel
and riding it out
gets old
and really hurts
all the time
even when we realize
that this is how we have to do it
don't be afraid to cry out
don't be afraid to trust
don't be afraid to
believe
just don't
...



Sunday, February 10, 2013

this is tonight.

i am overwhelmed with:
confusion
frustration
uncertainty
outright fear
and...
at the same time:
gratitude
love
friendship
outright hope...
how can that be?!?!
i am a cauldron
of emotions
that i can't understand
and it makes me feel stupid
at my age
not to be
and feel
more...
stable.
as always,
i know i am not alone
but that doesn't give me
any answers...
part of me
could really give a shit...
ya know??
this is life,
yes?
right?
but that doesn't
always help...
does it?
i know
that you know
this feeling
perhaps
to a lesser
or more
degree...
and this is exactly why
this is written
we can suffer
alone.
we can rejoice
alone.
but i want to share
why?
because it's who i am.
so...
i ask you...
do you read on?
or stop right here?
so now we all have choices...
stay
go
move
stand still
live
or die
literally
figuratively
what are you gonna do?
what am i gonna to do?
no one knows...
no one knows...
no one could ever
know.
but we can
help each other
decide
we can help each other
continue on
through this maze...
you don't owe me anything...
not a response
of any kind
not even any simple
recognition at all
you can turn your back
and this will
all continue
anyway
i just do this
i reach out
i let you in
and i don't care
i really don't
like it or not
here it is
tonight
...