Saturday, August 25, 2012


you told me that i am
you looked right into my eyes
you meant it.
i know.
you loved me.
i also know
even now
that you may not love me
i can still feel
the warmth
i remember
the feeling
it meant more to me
than anything
because i loved you also
and because of that
i still love you
i always have
i always will
because you weren't just talking
about my eyes
or my lips
you saw inside of me
when i asked you:
"what is beautiful about me?"
you replied,
i never thought i would hear those words
from someone
so special to me
in my heart
in my soul
you were
and you meant it
i've never thought i was anything
but a struggling
weathered man
like any other
it is true
i love you
i would have done
for you
i still would
you saw me
you see me
you know me
and though
i feel like the ugliest man
you made me feel
as if i had done right
as if all i've stood for
my whole life
meant something after all
i knew exactly what you meant
it doesn't matter what happened
it doesn't matter where you are now
i will always feel you
your spirit
your words
they weren't simply heard
they were felt
and i haven't been the same since
and i never will be
if i'm fortunate
maybe someone will
see me like that again
like the way you saw me
the way you felt me
i still feel ugly
but that's ok
because that doesn't mean
it doesn't take away
who i am
i remember how i felt
when i told you that you were
i meant it every time
i still mean it
this entire story
is not as it reads
it's more than these words
these simple words
-read between these lines-
don't be afraid
this beauty
this ugliness
are the same
there is beauty
in the ugliness of life
and ugliness
in the beauty
but the look in your eyes
the warmth of  your smile
i will always feel
no matter how ugly
i believe myself to be

Friday, August 24, 2012

getting lost.

how much of what you say
do you actually mean?
how much is real?
i know
it's hard
to be honest
all the time...
after mistake...
how many apologies
will you make?
which is easier?
i know
you don't always
mean harm
if at all
but hiding behind the belief
that you just don't want
to cause pain,
makes very little sense.
the truth most often hurts
more than it doesn't
and i know
you are stronger than that
i have to think
that you simply
don't see it.
you've gotten too used
to taking the easy way
but it isn't any easier...
this is why
you always seem
and confused
take time and think
of what you're doing.
this will not change
by itself.
it takes effort.
it takes strength.
you've got it,
so do it.
do you really want to know
what's happening around you?
do you really want to find out
how much control you have
over your own life?
practice brings improvement.
why do you think
that you must take
what you want?
when you can simply be honest
and sincere
and ask for it...
earn it...
it's not the world who's against you
it's you.
it is you.
no excuses.
no paranoid reasons.
i may know very little,
but this is simple.
keep wasting your breath
instead of using it,
and you'll continue to lose
and your life.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

ideology pt.1

you and i
all of us
we are
the same
with all of our differences
and conflicts
our alliances
our wars
our celebrations
our work
and our rest
we share.
you will never see
what i see
but you will always
what i
what we
our desire
our pure desire
is for the discovery
of the knowledge
that we wish
not just to find
but to understand
to realize
though we live
in an oppressive
and confusing world
inside ourselves
and outside on the streets
reading this
i hope
that you are
you will never be
your fire
burns like mine
your pain
hurts like mine
even without your name
i know you
you know me
no matter
if we have spoken,
no matter
if we have shared space,
we are together.
stoke the fire inside
keep it burning
find your way
to express
who you are
what you are
never believe
that you are no one
never believe
that you are someone either
you are
that's all
we are
that's it.
we use the same words
the same numbers
regardless of the tongue
regardless of the shapes
of the characters...
always be searching
always know
that your struggle
is our struggle
we are this world
we are this soul
we are this spirit
we are together

Thursday, August 16, 2012

i believe.

i believe in many things.
i believe in many people.
but my belief
is built
on hope.
i have hope
for you.
for me.
for us.
i've had experiences
that although can never be
remembered with precise accuracy
that have nonetheless given me hope.
i have friends
that keep me alive
and have kept me alive
in the past.
they give me hope.
i've been in love
and felt so loved
that i could barely believe
that it could possibly be real.
but it was.
it can happen again.
i believe.
i have hope.
things will never be
as they were.
i believe that they can be
even better.
my hope and my belief
are one and the same.
can you truly say,
and mean it, 
that nothing is shocking anymore?
how could you?
none of us could ever know.
but i refuse to be bitter.
i refuse to be jaded.
i will never give up
i believe that if we keep our eyes
our ears
our hearts
we find what we believe in.
we can have pure hope.
of course,
we see a lot of heartache
and pain,
those things are
but those things
cannot break my belief
everything comes.
everything goes.
sometimes they leave you behind.
sometimes you go with them.
but there is always change
there always will be
through your own eyes
you can either be
or see what's happening in there.
i won't let
that one step back
that i am forced to take
while i am constantly trying to move
effect my hope.
i won't cheat myself
or you
by letting that happen.
i believe in love.
i believe in chances.
i believe that great things happen
if you truly want them to
regardless of the setbacks that occur.
my eternal hope
keeps me believing.
i hope you feel the same.
because i believe in you.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

these games.

we play games.
we all do.
usually when we
want what we can't have right now
or are afraid
to simply
ask for.
so we provoke,
or try to bait out
certain responses
that will tell us
how much control we have.
but as in most games
someone wins
and someone loses
and that makes us both
and no better off
than we were.
can these games be
of course they can.
is the winner's prize
worth it all though?
after pushing and pulling
prying and withdrawing...
what have we got?
what is left but a twisted image
created by thought-out strategies,
and the traps set out
to misshape and mold
our "opponent" into
what we are wishing for?
false truths
that our denial lets us believe...
what do we win?
all we've done is waste time
valuable time
we can play
but remember this:
each move that you feel
brings you closer
to an illusion of certainty
is one step further
away from me.
quite frankly,
i suck at games.
all these games.
no one wins.
everyone loses.
sure, i wanna know
i wanna try
but when fun-time is over
and the games end,
we never truly
get what we want.
and now
i am realizing
that i am getting older
perhaps too old to be playing
these games.
and losing
has been taking it's toll
for far too long.
so, if you please,
i don't wanna play tonight,
thank you.

Friday, August 10, 2012


we all look back
with tears
with smiles
and all the while
the shades
the air
the momentum
can never be
truly remembered
or simplified
it's all flat
it's all 2D
we will never be there again
try as we might
we live in the now
and only
in the now
all that we believe we know
so well
is nothing more
than an illusion
we live
through involuntary
and feelings
it's Pavlovian.
it is.
the same words
with different meanings
different tones
it's just different
every single time
and everything is new
of how long it has been framed
and hanging
on the walls
of our minds
the images cannot be seen the same way
ever again
how many times
can we pretend
to know
what we think we know?
we know nothing
and it's gone.