Monday, November 18, 2013

wraithlike.

i'm walking 
through walls
and trees
and through lives
and no one
is noticing
and it seems like
i've been at it
forever
must have traveled
1000s of miles
but no
i haven't gone
anywhere
just one big
circle
and i'm here
again
thinking in
patterns
trying not to
speaking in
fragments
just  as i
am living
bursts of colors
and sounds
and as they
go straight though
i am left behind
never dreamed
it could get
any lonelier
but then again
how could i ever
who would ever
want to
follow or join me
and could they
if they tried
am i a ghost
or a
shadow
or neither
no one should
notice
and no one
should care
because
i'm not here
i never was
so
there is nothing
to forget
...


Friday, November 15, 2013

sick days.

it's not
what you said
it's what you
didn't
now i sit here
alone
in silent
darkness
but i hear things
this constant conversation
with myself
i'm talking to you
and you know
exactly
what i'm saying
but you never answer
through all the pain
and all of the
sick days
together
that should have made us
stronger
instead
made us
weak
i was lucky
to be with you
because
i loved you
because
i love you
and so
the dialog
never ends
sometimes
i truly feel
like you can hear me
and sometimes
i know
you're thinking
about me
but still
you don't reply
i try
to convince myself
that your hatred
is just your fear
keeping you from me
i can't believe
that it's over
forever
i won't
if you stretch out
your arms
if you smile
if you reach out to me
i will be there
and if you ask me
i will never
let go
...

Sunday, November 10, 2013

tears of a ghost.

i am trying to
forget
your voice
your smile
your scent
but nothing's working
and even though
i am dying inside
it's not because
i don't love you
it's because i know
that you have forgotten
about me
i haven't heard from you
and i am in
denial
but it's clear
and so
so obvious
that it isn't because
you're too busy
or that you are shy
it's because
you don't want
to talk to me
you don't want
anything to do
with me
and though it makes
perfect sense
i am not ready
to believe it
i am a fool
as i always was
and will always be
when it comes to you
and missing you
has become
a way of life
for me
and it still hurts
as much as ever
but it's ok
because even though
i could die with a smile
if it were in your arms
not hearing the truth
from your lips
keeps this love
real
and rather than fall
into the silent
darkness
of a true
final moment
i'd prefer to stay
in my fantasy of you
because at least there
i can hold you
in my arms
again
...


Sunday, November 3, 2013

hide and seek.

nightmares
endless nights
all in my head
but it feels so real
i can tell myself
over and over
that it is not
it never helps
i am thrown
into darkness
and i can't find my way out
i cannot see
it's as if my eyes
are sown shut
who did this to me?
i did
it was me all along
i am running for my life
i turn a corner
and try to hide
but i am always found
there is never enough time
because i am chasing myself
like it's my shadow
catching up with me
there is no one else
the streets are empty
and i have never seen this city before
i am lost
but i keep running
somehow thinking
i can get away
but i'm never fast enough
no time to get tired
cannot give up
i run and run
hoping i won't get caught
before i wake up
...

Thursday, October 24, 2013

the ugly ones.

we cry alone.
so no one sees.
we hope no one knows.
but we do.
we know.
it's our hope
that hurts so much.
it's our dreams
that we didn't choose
that burn us
and crack our hearts open
and shatter us on the floor.
we know each other.
the thread is sown
through all of us.
we are
the marked
and the broken.
someday...
someday
we will find love.
someday
we will feel safe.
someday
we will live.
we believe
through it all
that our time
will come.
we smile
from our hearts
and we feel it
in our souls.
someday
we
the ugly ones
will live
in a world
meant for us.
in a world
that loves us.
in a world
that cares.
in a world
where we can be
just who we are.
...

Monday, October 21, 2013

element.

outside the gates
where it is dark
and cold
and damp
is where we stand
there is no shelter
and it is dirty
this is where we belong
with broken nails
and broken teeth
holes in our clothes
and empty bellies
here
every breath is real
we stand
back to back
to protect
what little we have
we work hard
for every penny
and everything costs
more than we've got
we're slipping
but we're not
giving up
we've survived this long
with only hope
of one more day
and as each comes
we turn more
grey
but we smile
and we laugh
and it means
everything
because at least
it's for real
...

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

packed and waiting.


paint me a picture
here
in black and white
tell me of all the things
you feel
of all those things
that make you
smile
and
cry
i am here
and i am asking
please
don't be shy
don't be
afraid
don't make me have to
read between
the lines
although
i'm sure i will
anyway
because i will
always
want to know more
forget the past
you are already inside
me
and i
am already inside
you
tell me about
now
tell me about what
you want
tell me about what
you need
these minutes
these days
these years
seem so long
when we are apart
but
we don't have
forever
and tomorrow
may be one day
too late
i'll wait
and even if i die here
it will be because
i love you
...

Friday, September 13, 2013

molecular.

thinking about how
i'm thinking too much
the reverb knob
in my mind
is turned all the way up
and days don't pass
the same
finding answers
and getting results
may not help at all
sometimes
there is no closure
no one is innocent
there are no victims
just a large puzzle
this piece has sharp edges
if it doesn't fit
it will cut you
but we must try
anyway
it doesn't always work out
it cannot
but
it does not
matter
our rights and wrongs
are neither
our dos and don'ts
will always change
and we are
no better or worse off
we just are
what we are
speaking in rhetoric
and living through it
delusions and
illusions
playing parts
based on
memories
with no mirrors in sight
we are all the same
because
we are all
so different
we multiply
and divide
we give
and we take
we are born
guilty
all of us
so we run
until there is nothing left
we run
until we collapse
for the last time
...

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

spill.

gravity
shows no favorites
it is harsh
and absolutely
fair
it wants to slam me
to the ground
my body
is like a bottle
filled with
water
and at times
poison
i have
fallen
i have been
dropped
leaks
have sprung
and been patched
my blood
pulled down
into the earth
it doesn't matter
which fluid it is
it will flow
beneath
i have slept
on the floor
in the past
as i do now
looking only
up
nowhere to fall
i cannot be pushed
any further
not tonight
how i feel
and
what i think
do not matter
this force
cannot be defied
not here
someday
gravity will win
someday
we will all
spill
...


Monday, August 26, 2013

greying.

colors are dripping
fading
falling away
as it is
and
as i am
greying
less distracting
this desert
is endless
and it's only color
is no color at all
helping me focus
stripped away
simple and clean
of black
and white
and neither
and both
only shades
revealing themselves
and i can see
more than before
more than ever
it's turned out
and i am
bleeding
grey
feeling
grey
living
grey
it seems so clear
it seems so real
tell me the truth
is this just
a dream?
...

Sunday, August 18, 2013

evening drama.

as the sun sets
we find depth
in shallow things
and our thoughts
create metaphors
trying to sum up
our lives
in synonymous
verses
it's like writing
our own
personal
horoscope
sometimes
optimistic
other times
horrific
and we try
to believe
or deny
ignoring
pros
and
cons
just to make it fit
searching for answers
in opposites
shock the system
go against the grain
and see what
happens
the tide turns
and the sun
will rise
and set
again
tomorrow
...

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

fluid.

tear it apart
rip it to shreds
down to ribbons
with jagged edges
and splinters everywhere
use your hands
your teeth
your feet
use fire
use knives
swing hammers
and throw stones
use words
and sounds
use your heart
and in your name
destroy
last night's
dream
peel the walls
see new colors
and shapes
taste blood
in your mouth
your blood
our blood
when you open your eyes
don't hesitate
yesterday
and tomorrow
don't exist
yesterday
and tomorrow
are lies
ghosts
without faces
lifeless
meaningless
today is the only day
and it always is
it won't go away
wake up
the lights are on
...


Tuesday, July 30, 2013

shells.

from the suburbs
to the cities
the air is
thicker
and smells like
smoke
loud cracks
and pops
and so much more
often
turning the skies
more grey
flashes of light
like a violent
storm
we wish for the children
to collect beautiful
memories
jars with
fireflies
and seashells
but it seems
they will collect
instead
shells of a different kind
and rather than compare
colors
and shapes
they will compare
calibers
and their childlike wonder
will question
where did they
come from
and where did all
those bullets
go
...

Monday, July 22, 2013

gravity.

i saw you again
last night
in a dream
you were just
as beautiful
as you ever were
and i
was just
as ugly
i heard your voice
i could smell you
and i could swear
i saw colors
i don't know where
or when
it was
the only familiar
feeling
was that we were in
the same room
the only thing
that seemed real
was you
but i know better
i told you
that i love you
you tried
but you could not
say it to me
the same 
desperate feeling
i have
all the time
wanting you
needing you
knowing that
i cannot
and never will
have you
again
we never touched
not even one kiss
you smiled
i cried
and as i woke up
alone
all that was real
were the tears
rolling from my eyes
and off of
my chin
...

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

in real time.

someday
the clock will stop
for you and i
and there will be
no more time
we don't
and won't
see it coming
what kind of memories
are we making?
are they
what we want?
we have more to give
than we know
and as we think
of better days
to come
or gone by
we see past
today
right now
to love
is to spend
to hate
is to waste
what are we waiting for?
what will change
tomorrow?
what happened
yesterday
is gone
so
let it be
forgotten
if you have it
if you feel it
then give it
don't be afraid
don't let your words
go unsaid
don't let your love
go unfelt
unshared
our fear
will turn us
to dust
but right now
in this very moment
we live
forever
...