Sunday, January 27, 2013

mellow drama.

lying down
legs crossed
head propped up
perfectly beneath
my folded arms
the temperature
is just right
time to try to relax
clear my mind
i think of a clean
pure white room
i steady my breathing
in through my nose
out through my mouth
using even the lower lobes
of my lungs
on inhale
my belly rises
instead of just my chest
perhaps a slight hum
upon exhale
to begin to concentrate
on as little as possible
on nothing
if i can
a slight form
of meditation
it's comfortable
for a short time
and then
the walls in the room
begin to bleed colors
of all that i am trying
not to think about
all the things i miss
all the things i need
"how do i?"
"when can i?"
"where will i?"
all the thoughts that invade my mind
they creep in
i continue to try
to stay calm
i know it's possible
i've studied these things
these techniques
i just need some peace
just a little
to freshen up
my thought process
just for a while
i fail
my eyes open
i sit up
i grab my elbows
and lean forward
as my stomach
begins to ache
i close my eyes
and clench my teeth
hoping not to break any
my hands start to shake
i begin counting the hours
first the total
then hour by hour
all the way down to the minutes
and a wash of hopelessness
engulfs me
"i cannot live",
i tell myself...
i am too far
beneath my own doing
beneath my own life
and i begin to panic
the thought of death
is the best one i can
come up with
a slight smile
then an overwhelming
because i am aware
of just how ridiculous
and pathetic
that thought is
i search
for some solace
and at these moments
i find none
and even though i know
that i am far from alone
it brings me no comfort
right now
this is me
this is my life
my here
my now
i cannot think
of the others
sitting in the same position
as i am in right now
because they too
are in pain
like me
i search for a poison
to wash this far too sober feeling away
it never works
not for long
no answers
no coherent questions
just one word
just one wish

Friday, January 25, 2013

forever yours.

i think about you
every single day
you've been in my blood
you've been in my heart
and in and through my brain
having to fight
the mere thought of you
takes a piece of me
all day
all night
even in my dreams
you appear
i struggle for you
i fight for you
i fight you
it's been harder than
i ever imagined
to keep you away
and not seek you out
i purse my lips
i close my eyes
i clench up inside
wait for the times
to change
for the moments to pass
i know
you'll be in my head again
and again
it doesn't
and never did matter
whether or not
i want you there
or not
i am your slave
even when you aren't with me
you haven't been near me
or even
in my grasp
for so long
but still
you seem so real
in my dreams
in my thoughts
you are ingrained in me
and it makes me feel
like i've already died
like i've already used
even just the thought of
to kill myself
over and over again
i have this feeling
that it will never stop
never cease
it's haunting
and i am to blame
because i fell in love with you
and letting go
of true love
seems impossible
can it even happen?
can it?
i don't want to know
i need to know
can i get you
out of my mind
out of my life
or not?

Thursday, January 24, 2013

out cold out in the cold.

what do i know?
i've lost all consciousness
long ago
and many
many times...
who's to say
that i could even think straight?
for a day...
or at all for that matter
my reality
seems so unreal at times
that i cannot even
maintain belief
of whether
am i
that good
caring man
that i believe i am.
am i?
or am i completely insane...
and completely wrong?
when some
who have claimed love
burn my guts out
with their eyes...
their words...
when i cannot figure
what does that mean?
is it more
than a mistake i made?
not knowing what i've done
tears me apart
and even then
i am still left with no answers
only a question...
am i a good man
or a bad man?

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

changes are always coming.

changes we make
changes we take
changes caused by
just come
some results
feel like
are as perfect
as we can perceive them
we all know
how this feels
and failure
immunity does not exist
not in this
not in anything
so don't waste your time
trying to elude
these things
these inevitable
don't run
don't hide
don't evade
the truth
the one thing
that will never change
is that things will
always change
of whether you
made these changes
or not...
so you do have choices
you can
fight them
or roll with them
accept or deny
that is a choice you do have
either way
it's bigger than we are
you can be crippled
or propelled
you decide

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

loss of control.

the effects people have
on each other
their faces and their movements
and the way they make each of us
some will say
it's all you
it's in your head
it's based on your level
of insecurity
even admiration
but it's not all you
or me
within the confines of the spaces
we find ourselves in
sometimes with those of our choosing
sometimes not
there is more communication going on
then could ever be spoken
monologues and dialogues
inside and outside
within ourselves
and with others
the faces you see
and the faces i see
are not the same
each is an image
based both on our own
and the scenarios
that transpire.
at times
during these relationships,
it hurts
it causes stress
and frustration
and confusion
and we want answers
we want to understand
because our logical mind
is telling us
that this means so little
it tells you to be
just you
and the more we try
the harder it gets
no one wants to feel
like anyone else has control
over their thoughts
or feelings
in some cases,
even their lives
fear and desperation
turmoil and chaos
caused by another
just another one
the best choice
is to simply
leave the room
and not return