buried.

there are things about me

that you'll never know

it's not that i wouldn't tell you

but i'm quite certain

you'll never ask

such ugly questions

so many important moments

so many

beautiful experiences

missed

leaving shotgun holes

in my life

while i was being foolish

making choices

i didn't want to make

making mistakes

ruining everything

and now time is having

it's way with me

i've learned to smile

a little

to find some happiness

in the little warmth

afforded to me

i don't know

whether i deserve it

or not

perhaps i'm numb

although

there is always pain

always suffering

it's always there

and there is no going back

maybe that's why

sad songs

make me feel

comfortable

maybe that's why

i can be thankful

for the small things

because i know

they are all

i'll ever have

...

senescence.

i remember

when the days were strange

and so were we

when we played with knives

and struggled for every wish

our lives were filled with danger

and our hearts with fire

we searched for each other

for the same passion in our eyes

our youth was perfectly ugly

i remember.

in many ways

i’m still the same man

but in many ways

i’m not

now

wanting hurts twice as much

because i'm not sure what i want anymore

and love is reserved

only for dreams

and even still

it is painful

perhaps it’s all the failure

or that getting older

for me

means letting go

suffering alone

and becoming numb

or maybe it’s just

the mood i find myself in

when i remember

...

arithmetic.

the angels and demons

are the same

fighting for the innocence

of being right

belief based on

circumstance

they’re all guilty

friction creates energy

creates the passing of time

so that nothing is ever

exactly the same

the balance is always off

nothing is level

the message is never clear

the frustration

of all the same

unanswered questions

that mean nothing

over and over again

draw endless circles

in my mind

i’m sure that somehow

it all makes sense

and that the math is right

i’m just not getting it

...

artificial heart.

my love was lost

on you

because it was real

you loved me at my lowest

because it served you best

but it never lasted

and ever since

my heart is missing

stranded in a foreign city

in whichever state

you have moved on to

and how i live

by whatever artificial means

keeps me breathing

has become my life

karma keeps me nice

because i am too weak

to fight

or perhaps

when there is no heart left

to break

it is easier to be alone

time passes

and memories fade

and the feelings are still there

but there is nothing real

to embrace

it makes me feel sick

and it makes me feel

foolish

because i am

it means nothing

because there is no going back

and there is no future

there is no point

and there is nothing left

and i am not the same man

anymore

but still...

i listened to the album

and i heard the song

yesterday

and i dreamt about you

last night

and i woke up

this morning

cursing your name

again

...

intramural.

as we look

through these windows

the ones inside

we believe

that we are alone

but we know

that we aren't

trying to connect

in love

in hate

in our happiness

and even in our

envy

spending our lives

searching for answers

that do not exist

to questions

that do not truly mean

anything

and we wonder

why

how is this

the passing of time

it wears us down

and as we grow tired

and frustrated

we try not to care

we deny

we try to stop

we try to forget

we cut off

to protect ourselves

from ourselves

because sometimes

the pain is too much

and we need to survive

even if we don't

we need to

we know we must

the invisible enemies

inside of us

that we create

are killers

and at times

they hurt more

than knives

or fists

ever could

...

wet blankets.

unfulfilled and incomplete

it's not the same

because everything changes

and nothing matters

except when we believe it does

and even then

it's never as it seems

and more is forgotten

than we can try to remember

now

tomorrow

or yesterday

it's an illusion

it seems so real

because we've gotten

used to it

but it still hurts

and we can't figure it out

we never will

because it's not real

chemical reactions

and emotional triggers

empowering

and

destroying us

all in the same

breath

in a blink

of our eyes

but we're blind

and suffocating

we think too much

it's time to admit

and realize

that we aren't

what we think

we are

we simply are

what we are

we don't have to like

the same things

we don't have to believe

the same things

we don't have to look

the same

but we are

we are all the same

chasing down an idea

of happiness

that can never be defined

who's to say

that dreams

aren't a real part

of our lives

...

train wreck.

you're looking at me

and i'm wondering

what you're seeing

the way you break your eyes

the way you speak

makes me think

that you know things

things that i haven't

and will never

have to explain

like you can see

where i've been

and what i've done

and in your eyes

i can see

fear

respect

empathy

and a sense of

alleviation

that your escape

is only moments away

and even though

you want to see me

feel me

know me

understand me

if only for a moment in time

your eyes blink

and you realize

that it would be

ugly

painful

and overwhelming

and that it may not

wash off so easily

and that sometimes

it's best to leave

the beast in his cage

and simply

move on

...