impending latency.

trying to see past today

a bigger picture

see if a path exists

that will break

the cycles

all the jagged

spiraling

as we fall through time

searching and hoping

for answers

for some kind of

future

letting the uncertainty

strip away our sanity

and beg us

to give in

and hide away

i'm not sure if i have

another try in me

makes me want to stay

present

so i may survive

so i may stay in touch

even just a little

if i withdraw again

i may just gray away

for good

i'm not sure

if that is what's best

for me

but it may not matter

at all

staying quiet

is difficult for me

unless i stay away

unless i disappear

i have nothing to say

that i haven't already said

and regretted

a thousand times

so perhaps

i should stop

repeating myself

and simply

let go

and be

alone

...

ascetic smile.

i no longer need

your compassion

your attention

your

love

it's been too long

and it's hurt too bad

and it's gotten too messy

and too ugly

and too unattainable

i don't need it

and i don't want it

anymore

i survived

i lived on hope

and dreams

for so long

that they finally broke

and i was already

broken

now

i am just numb

i found a new way to live
a new way to suffer

i found simplicity

this pain is new

and refreshing

and it may just keep me

away from all of those

memories

and reminders

all of those things

that killed me

so many times

but somehow

i am here

somehow

i learn to live

with myself

and although it gets

lonelier

it doesn't hurt

quite as bad

anymore

...

grinding.

we leave everything behind

unknowingly

gravity flattens our feet

and pulls our hearts down

we break our backs

picking up the pieces

over and over

we fail to see

that things break

and will remain broken

no matter what we do

i’ve learned

that perhaps

i am not defined

by my triumphs

but rather my losses

because of them

i can find some enjoyment

some clarity

some shelter

and some realization

that life

is about the struggle

and the suffering

and that there is solace

in knowing

that sometimes

it’s supposed to hurt

…