Zen point pt.1

as random as life is

and as selective as our memory

has become

how can anyone say

or even think

that they know what may or may not happen

tomorrow?

we live and think on patterns

and Pavlovian triggers

this is why

we are so often

so frustrated

and confused

even shocked at times

at just how a "normal" day's events

turn out

sure...

we will "guess" correctly

sometimes

and we get the entitlement
of being able to say

"i knew it!"

or

"toldja..."

but in reality

even living in the present

and trying to understand

is challenging enough

to speak is if we know

is

at times

the only way to remain

in what little control

we may actually have

to have some confidence

that all we have seen

and done

has taught us something

given us at least

a little wisdom

earned us a little respect

although it truly

doesn't matter at all

sometimes

it helps us relate

that is important

to connect with others

helps when we can

share experiences

as hazy as they may be

the feelings

help us identify

with one another

our perception may

replace our reality

most of the time

but we remember feelings

we can identify with feelings

we can communicate with feelings

because they simply inhabit us

no thought needed

no re-creation of scenarios

no predictions

trying to live in the now

is the first step

this is where

Zen philosophy

strikes me the deepest...

wires.

our huge small world

filled with things

we cannot understand

gears and mechanisms

cluttered messes of circuitry

it's in our lives

in every way

creating even the slightest

of what seem to be simple thoughts

simple processes

wires connected to other wires

it is only unique

in itself

in it's mere existence

it's creation...

life?

but did we ask for this?

to never be sure

about anything

ever

?

while current silently

pushes and pulls

receives and outputs

useless and useful

information

without cease

transforming

constantly

and consistently

needing no control

or surveillance

it grows on it's own

and repairs on it's own

survival.

doesn't always work out for us though

does it?

something broken

and not working

often replaced by

something else

also broken

but in motion

feeding it's data

into our "network"

regardless of it's use

or need

or want

this all applies

it is why you sit

or stand

where you are this very moment

and in which direction

your eyes will guide you

next

these processes aren't

answers to anything

they are simply

actions

and

reactions

zeros and ones

over and over

random and endless

no control

it's in your head

it's all

in

your

head

.

unnumbered episode

pressure

weight

hurts even worse

when you have no idea

where it's coming from

under ice

in a house on fire

in a crowd under seige

or in your own mind

one thought

one word

relief

from where

how

the answer

never seems

to reveal itself

when you want it to

most

and all the colors

and visions

faces

everything

seems to pour down

these imaginary walls

in this room of thought

and tension

and it feels like

it will never end

overcome

with confusion

frustration

lonliness

boredom

hopelessness

uselessness

lost

in whatever it is

that it is

that we cannot figure out

yet it burns

and itches

and steals

our lives away

for whatever amount

of actual time it takes

it's atmosphere

lingers

it is haunting

it is torture

it's mystique

the unknown origin

the blankness

is overwhelming

over and over again

the fear of it's frequency

puts us in a stasis

that we cannot explain

yet we all feel it

we all feel it

we don't want it

but we get it

it happens

and it sticks

the escape seems

so unlikely

and then

at once

something happens

the clouds seem to clear

sometimes sooner

sometimes later

we try to forget

but we all know

it'll be back someday

sometime

how could anyone ever know

how this feels

but we all do

we all do

...

elemental mentality.

everything falls apart

chips away

crumbles

sometimes

it appears to happen

right before our eyes

or at least it feels

and looks that way

elemental damage

is causing me mental damage

tonight

i'm seeing things
break down

wither away

decay

i don't like it

but

when has that ever mattered

?

erosion is inevitable...

i guess

when we feel good

we simply aren't thinking about that

now that-

i like

bliss

without feeling

blissful

being in "la-la land"

without even knowing it

wonderful

beautiful

euphoria

then

as soon as the thought

that the feeling might stop

sometime

anytime

at some point

be it

sooner

or

later

there it goes...

the door is kicked in

and we're back

to emptying fuel tanks

fossilized insect wings

browning leaves

and greying

thinning hair

as if gravity

just landed a solid blow

to the solar plexus
we lose our wind
our sails drop
and it's then
as my head drops
and my chin
reaches my chest
and my
slightly moistening eyes
slowly close
i beg a question:

how can we decide

?

what could provide us

with the faith enough

to feel some sort of validation

that anything could even be:

real

?

an answer that isn't just

an opinion

that lets us know

that there truly is

either more

or less

significance

in what we believe

in what we feel

is beauty

or ugliness,

reality

or dreams,

good

or bad,

right

or

wrong

***

kickingscreaminghuggingkissing

we believe

that we are so different

from each other

forming opinions

making assumptions

based on superficial

specs of time

so different

we claim that we can't even

understand each other

it is that very track of thought

that blinds us

from the most obvious traits

that make us the same

when we fight,

scream and yell

and break things

that is our spirit

our "soul"

working to vent

the anger and hated out

and when we swoon

and kiss

beg and plead for forgiveness

and understanding

when we get on our knees

smile and profess how much we care

that is our spirit and soul

working to keep love in

and protect it
so

from the most passive

to the most agressive

we're all doing the same things

for the same reasons

albiet - in different ways

but it makes us the same

more so than we think

and that is just the beginning

of how connected

we truly are.

heart.

if you should collapse

who would carry you out

to fresh air

take care of you

?

i have faith

that you would

save my life

not because

you know
i would do it for you

not because

i am me

because i am

no one special

here or anywhere

in this world

but because of who

i have faith that you are

and if i were

if i am

wrong

anger is not the first

emotion i would feel

it would be

bitter disappointment

in who i though you were

or should be

you should save that life

because of who you are

because of the man or woman

you can be

it's about you

no one else

you

are

strength

you

are

human

you are

integrity

dignity

but

you must decide

if that is you

i made these choices

over 25 years ago

they have become

who i am

civility

may mean something else

to you

but

it all boils down

to trying to do

what you feel
is right

inside

...