cephalodynia.

knives in my brain

when i'm alone

another crease

in my aging face

it's not all bad

because it gets better

never all the way

but it gets better

pain and guilt

and regret

and frustration

move me

survival

fear

the only thing i know

is that i'll either be

breathing

or i won't

how i take my

heres and nows

is all mine

and as it is

as i am so flawed

i don't always make

the best choices

i don't always take

the best road

but i do take

my own way

up or down

and i grow

and i learn

and i live

i survive

and i will continue

to do so

until the road ends

and there are no more

choices

no more moves

no more chances

and no more breaths

to take

...

arm's length.

i can feel you nearing

the electric tingle

in my center

and the rising of the hairs

on my arms and neck

self conscious stirring

and twice as upset

because i know

i shouldn't feel this way

smile only with my lips

don't say a word

try not to stare

i can apologize later

i've seen us together

laughing and tripping

over each other

i've felt your acceptance

of all that i am

but only in a dream

and it's so juvenile to me

i feel like a teenager

like it's the very first time

and it isn't even real

and i'm fairly certain

that it never could be

this is why i keep you

at a distance

it won't be you

it will be me

i can never hurt you

if you never even know

i was here

...

broken.

sitting in the dark

feeling like a child

wishing for tears

to wash away

some of the pain

from anger

to shame

it's never easy

and it's my fault

my escape

was to become my fear

backed into corners

we survive

even if it makes life

worse

hit and pitched

now ugly

and unwanted

once touched

now broken forever

and some choices

are too hard to make

bruised blue

and cold

they saw great things for me

i made them eat their words

i never saw any future

i never saw a place

i never found a home

i found suffering

i found loneliness

and all the hate i felt

i felt towards myself

how could you love me

when i've never loved me

it makes sense

i crawled into it

the only place

i've ever known

i remain

...

ad hoc.

forever is

just a concept

an idea

the only things

that seem to last

are involuntary

clocks and calendars

are ornamental

because some minutes

feel longer than others

and time will end

for us

when there is no breath left

and as final as it seems

as dismal

depressing

and sad

it is what it is

the only fact

it doesn't matter

what we think tomorrow is

we are wrong

and as a thousand yesterdays

are forgotten

there is only one

today

...

crash.

cracked windshields

and blood stained t-shirts

manufactured landscapes

with fake man-made

sunlight

we have a number

and a story

before we're old enough

to even read them

we're breathing poison

inhaling it

eating it

drinking it

seeing it

and hearing it

innocence has never

been an option

for any of us

papers with numbers

and deadlines

reminding us

that we'll never be free

and as our skin wrinkles

and our dreams fade

nothing will ever have

that new smell again

statements and forms

with official stamps

from the beginning

to the end

our birth

and death certificates

will bookend our lives

after working all day

on my feet in worn out shoes

i realized that i have developed

a slight limp

as i walk into the house

perhaps i never noticed

because in my head

i've had that limp

for years

...

vertigo.

i'm falling in slow motion

and no one can catch me

and it's fine

losing my breath

and losing my

confidence

and i've been losing my mind

for a long time now

nothing but secondhand air

because i can't afford

anything new anymore

i can look you in the eyes

but i'm not the alpha

i once was

so it hurts a bit more

as i break mine

and stare at the floor

wondering how i ever

made it this far

or if it matters at all

i thought i knew better

but perhaps

i've never known

i live with the consequences

of my conscience

every minute

of every day

there is nowhere

to run and hide

and this place i'm in

is killing me

this is the price

of loving

of caring

of making mistakes

and sometimes

it's just not ok

...

filters.

please stop me

from saying another

godforsaken word

mute me

if only for a moment

cleanse my breath

let me consider

you

let me reconsider

me

your brains are just as

intimidating

as your beauty is

and i'll tell you

everything

i'm not afraid

but i realize

that your ears may

not quite be

as welcoming

as your smile

give me poison

but please

don't take away

the reason

cleanse my blood

because i don't want you to know

that you have me

enslaved

biting my tongue off

and hiding my shaking hands

in wet pockets

thank you for

allowing me

to breathe

because i am quickly

forgetting how

i never know

when i've said too much

and there are grounds

in my coffee

...

burned in.

all the hand downs

have been handed down

it was once a big house

built by someone

owned by someone else

it was once a beautiful house

to someone

now it's a slum

your story is nothing new

your pain is nothing new

your memories are now stained

by the trauma they caused

you didn't live

you survived

and now

it's all over your face

it's in your eyes

it's in your voice

it's in your love

and in your hate

you are one of many

with details that don't mean

anything

to anyone

but you

sometimes it just feels good

to get it out though

doesn't it

but then again

you wish you didn't say

anything

all the shame

all the regret

all the blame

that you wish would just

go away

and be forgotten

is now on your mind

even more

failed therapy

and you can feel

the minutes

and the days

falling off of you

as you sit in your dwelling

dwelling

it's been years

so many years

but no

it is tonight

...

employee.

in my mind

my pockets are

turned out

i pawned my dreams

for rent

and electric bills

i have no more

good ideas

no more free wind

through my hair

no more trips

to distant lands

i wouldn't know

where to go

if i could

anymore

just name tags

and ugly black shoes

fake smiling faces

smiling back at me

and i've conned myself

into caring

for so long

that perhaps

now

i actually do

small paychecks

and

big headaches

the luxury of sleep

that i can afford

i don't

and i haven't

for a long

long time

spending my last

few dollars

on poison

so many poisons

it makes no

difference

they're all toxic

it's all toxic

and i'll only know

how fast it's been

killing me

at the end

and i'll wish

i had done it

differently

only

it will be

too late

...

perceive.

it can be hard

to believe

things

things we hear

things we feel

things we see

we wonder

if we can

understand

if it is true

we want to believe

words

people

ourselves

and whether it

matters

or it doesn't

sometimes

we want it to

so we believe

to keep us calm

to keep us in touch

to give us something

to hold onto

i do believe

that we are all

very deeply

connected

but still

i question

do you hear

what i hear

do you feel

what i feel

do you see

what i see?

...

pitchfork.

the demons are

dancing

and laughing

at me

they taunt me

endlessly

singing me

the saddest songs

and whispering lies

in my ears

until they bleed

with smirks

on their faces

secrets and curses

making me doubt

who i am

asking me if

the life i've led

will bring me

the death

i deserve

they never tire

feeding on

my screams

and tears

constantly reminding me

that i am their king

that i created them this way

and that they

will only die

when i do

they look just like me

they sound just like me

they suffer

just like me

their torment

is almost

beautiful

there is a pitchfork

beside my bed

they are waiting

...

head case.

anxiety

a lead weight

in my belly

a sharp chill

down my spine

what was it

that i said

or did

that went against

my nature

and is now

echoing

in my head?

shame and regret

all of the wasted

minutes

hours

days

it's just a feeling

i tell myself

to let it go

try not to care

i can't

it's not me

that's not who i am

i want to know

though it does not

matter

causes and effects

there is always

a reason

but i can't figure it out today

and as night falls

it's worse

because i'm tired

and this poison

is still inside me

and i can't give up

no matter

how hard

i try

...

pre-mortem.

as thoughts

become actions

they can also become

dangerous

sometimes

it's not what we do

it's what we don't

that haunts us

needles and smoke

knives and bullets

even love

keep your eyes

open

be careful when you blink

right now

we are all here

and some things

require a second

thought

we all know

that the truth

can hurt

and as tragedy

seems less shocking

and we are more surprised

by a smile

we need to keep on

smiling

we need to set

the tone

we need to keep it

together

we can not let

the story of our lives

become

the story of

our death

...

self defeat.

this broken

humanity

is cold and hard

like concrete

the bricks fall

like rain

crushing the love

out of me

wounds on wounds

as my body

fights back

begging for it

to stop

just makes it

worse

your smile

hits me like

a hammer

it's never

enough

you'll tell me
that i

deserved it

just as they

told you

it's not fair

it's never

fair

everything breaks

like shattering glass

as i grow

weaker

i gave you this

i cast the stones

it was me

...

complex.

staring at my enemy

in the mirror

i've avoided you

for so long

thanking the tears

for blurring my image

and trying to

protect me

from the shame

and all

that apologies

cannot fix

this uneasy feeling

i get at dusk

as the landscape changes

without me

my veins are tired

from all the bad blood

that passes through them

all that i could have

and should have done

and the chances

i will never have again

like footprints in sand

they are washed away

and it doesn't matter

i honestly never wanted more

than to be happy

and as i stripped away

the means

i learned the truth

and that

it just doesn't work

that way

when you smile

it makes me smile

but it is fleeting

and again

i find myself

lost in the desert

alone

knowing

it doesn't have to be

this way

it

just

is

...