wires.

our huge small world

filled with things

we cannot understand

gears and mechanisms

cluttered messes of circuitry

it's in our lives

in every way

creating even the slightest

of what seem to be simple thoughts

simple processes

wires connected to other wires

it is only unique

in itself

in it's mere existence

it's creation...

life?

but did we ask for this?

to never be sure

about anything

ever

?

while current silently

pushes and pulls

receives and outputs

useless and useful

information

without cease

transforming

constantly

and consistently

needing no control

or surveillance

it grows on it's own

and repairs on it's own

survival.

doesn't always work out for us though

does it?

something broken

and not working

often replaced by

something else

also broken

but in motion

feeding it's data

into our "network"

regardless of it's use

or need

or want

this all applies

it is why you sit

or stand

where you are this very moment

and in which direction

your eyes will guide you

next

these processes aren't

answers to anything

they are simply

actions

and

reactions

zeros and ones

over and over

random and endless

no control

it's in your head

it's all

in

your

head

.

unnumbered episode

pressure

weight

hurts even worse

when you have no idea

where it's coming from

under ice

in a house on fire

in a crowd under seige

or in your own mind

one thought

one word

relief

from where

how

the answer

never seems

to reveal itself

when you want it to

most

and all the colors

and visions

faces

everything

seems to pour down

these imaginary walls

in this room of thought

and tension

and it feels like

it will never end

overcome

with confusion

frustration

lonliness

boredom

hopelessness

uselessness

lost

in whatever it is

that it is

that we cannot figure out

yet it burns

and itches

and steals

our lives away

for whatever amount

of actual time it takes

it's atmosphere

lingers

it is haunting

it is torture

it's mystique

the unknown origin

the blankness

is overwhelming

over and over again

the fear of it's frequency

puts us in a stasis

that we cannot explain

yet we all feel it

we all feel it

we don't want it

but we get it

it happens

and it sticks

the escape seems

so unlikely

and then

at once

something happens

the clouds seem to clear

sometimes sooner

sometimes later

we try to forget

but we all know

it'll be back someday

sometime

how could anyone ever know

how this feels

but we all do

we all do

...

elemental mentality.

everything falls apart

chips away

crumbles

sometimes

it appears to happen

right before our eyes

or at least it feels

and looks that way

elemental damage

is causing me mental damage

tonight

i'm seeing things
break down

wither away

decay

i don't like it

but

when has that ever mattered

?

erosion is inevitable...

i guess

when we feel good

we simply aren't thinking about that

now that-

i like

bliss

without feeling

blissful

being in "la-la land"

without even knowing it

wonderful

beautiful

euphoria

then

as soon as the thought

that the feeling might stop

sometime

anytime

at some point

be it

sooner

or

later

there it goes...

the door is kicked in

and we're back

to emptying fuel tanks

fossilized insect wings

browning leaves

and greying

thinning hair

as if gravity

just landed a solid blow

to the solar plexus
we lose our wind
our sails drop
and it's then
as my head drops
and my chin
reaches my chest
and my
slightly moistening eyes
slowly close
i beg a question:

how can we decide

?

what could provide us

with the faith enough

to feel some sort of validation

that anything could even be:

real

?

an answer that isn't just

an opinion

that lets us know

that there truly is

either more

or less

significance

in what we believe

in what we feel

is beauty

or ugliness,

reality

or dreams,

good

or bad,

right

or

wrong

***

kickingscreaminghuggingkissing

we believe

that we are so different

from each other

forming opinions

making assumptions

based on superficial

specs of time

so different

we claim that we can't even

understand each other

it is that very track of thought

that blinds us

from the most obvious traits

that make us the same

when we fight,

scream and yell

and break things

that is our spirit

our "soul"

working to vent

the anger and hated out

and when we swoon

and kiss

beg and plead for forgiveness

and understanding

when we get on our knees

smile and profess how much we care

that is our spirit and soul

working to keep love in

and protect it
so

from the most passive

to the most agressive

we're all doing the same things

for the same reasons

albiet - in different ways

but it makes us the same

more so than we think

and that is just the beginning

of how connected

we truly are.

heart.

if you should collapse

who would carry you out

to fresh air

take care of you

?

i have faith

that you would

save my life

not because

you know
i would do it for you

not because

i am me

because i am

no one special

here or anywhere

in this world

but because of who

i have faith that you are

and if i were

if i am

wrong

anger is not the first

emotion i would feel

it would be

bitter disappointment

in who i though you were

or should be

you should save that life

because of who you are

because of the man or woman

you can be

it's about you

no one else

you

are

strength

you

are

human

you are

integrity

dignity

but

you must decide

if that is you

i made these choices

over 25 years ago

they have become

who i am

civility

may mean something else

to you

but

it all boils down

to trying to do

what you feel
is right

inside

...

two hearts

my heart

pieced back together

and repaired

over and over

with cheap glue

and weak tape

perhaps a lot like yours

unless

yours is welded

into shape

reinforced

letting no one inside

get them first

before they get you

so...

we both hurt

we both fear

but for different reasons

your steel beams

and solid concrete walls

exist to try and protect you

from your fear of rejection

and the possibility

of another broken heart

while i am only afraid

that i may never get the chance

to experience true love again

and take that risk

even if it means

patching this old heart up again

one

more

time

...

death wish.

you say

maybe

as much as i would like

to be kind

and smile

maybe is no answer

that i can accept

you need to know

this means everything

if it means nothing

and as long or short

as we may believe life to be

it is what it is

everyday

i stand here

day in

day out

and even when you push

i remain

you can ask me why

but i will do as i will do

i can only hope you feel

that i am real

because i know that i am

they can ask me

tell me

threaten me

with a loaded gun at my chest

to leave you behind

and forget

but the truth is

the slug would hurt

much

much

 less
...

book burning.

i would love to see you

live

not just breathe

but live

but history has put so much fear

inside of you

"doomed to repeat itself"

but did you ever notice

that those books

are full of hardship

and tragedy

and not much else

and thus

so is your mind

as if

nothing beautiful

has ever happened

as if

everything is

to be dreaded

and feared

that is not true

but it is easy

because that is what we are fed

as far back as we can remember

yes

the events may be true

and yes

they were intense

and at times

horrific

but

why follow the same suit

?

you are always afraid

and that saddens me

because

i love you

and i want to see you live

and i want to live

with you

not just for me

but for you

for us

please

burn the books

out of your mind.

you.

reality

security=myth

self respect=wish

we can try

we can make strides

but

as trite as it may seem

our inner peace

will take lifetimes

we cannot afford

happiness

is what we work for

at times it seems

ridiculously impossible

but that doesn't mean

we must live

in misery

our standards

are unreasonably high

you know it

why?

because

we want it all

yesterday

we have no patience

in fact

we have no couth

although

we all underestimate

our value

in so many ways

we are all worth more

than we think

but

you decide

your worth

you decide

what you are made of

you decide

what you should take

and

what you should

discard

deny

turn down

but don't get caught up

in the ideals

of your neighbors

or your peers

or anyone else

take that time

to decide who you are

and what you want

who you are

is all yours

embrace it

realize it

then

go

and

live your life

your way.

solitary games

are you lonely

or just alone?

loneliness is a feeling

an emotion

alone in a room

well

that seems simple enough

although...

we are never truly alone

despite the absence

of another

idle time

we see and think things

that are not real

scenarios we create

break us down

our imagination begins

twisting and turning

and our thoughts

become our reality

but they aren't true

they could never be

as much as we think we know

even what we see with our own eyes

becomes altered

misshapen

delusional

wrong

insecurity and guilt

play games with our lives

and we suffer

at our own hands

in our own minds

such a waste of time

these solitary games

we play.