lost.

you are right here

right there

why can't i see you?

my shadow

i can smell you

i can hear you

you're not far at all

are you laughing?

smiling?

i can't see

you're not that far away

and i'm reaching out

in the wrong direction

just missing you

what is wrong with me?

like a dream

i am drawing you in my mind

are you real?

or just a memory

come to life?

is this your way

of telling me

i'm not good enough?

or is it

just me

telling myself?

i am getting

desperate

show yourself

let me see

let me know

could it be true?

has my time passed?

tell me

touch me

do something

please

before the clock runs out

and it's too late

put out your hand

let me touch you

let me feel you

touching me

i need to know

if you're real

or

is it

over

forever

...

fall and withstand.

my name

is nothing more

than an address

mirrors

are useless

because my eyes

lie

so i try not to look

nothing is as it seems

and we believe

what we choose to

the underground

is dark

i listen

i hear sounds

but the silence

tells me so much more

when it is quiet

i hear my own

screams

it gets cold

and i shiver

thinking of flame

will not work

i need to start a fire

because

we survive

at any and all cost

we can afford

until we are

taken

even when we want

 to give up

we don't.

we can't.

fall

get back up

catch your breath

do it again

...

trauma drama.

we went over the wall

and fell too far

hurling ourselves into

tomorrow

the jagged

ground below

sharp and slick

gave us nothing

but blood

we kissed poison lips

and turned green

with regret

thinking it would kill us

hoping it would be

sooner

than later

deafened by the ringing

in our ears

from the things

they are saying

blinded by the glare

of their envy

if they want our scars

they can have them

captured and tortured

no one will read

your death note

chased down and slaughtered

no one will hear mine

somehow

we lived

somehow

we survived

but we'll never be the same

thank goodness

...

inspire me.

inspiration

you may surprise yourself

what comes out of you

when you least expect it

a little voice

a sharp tone

that's when

it happens

try to hold it

try to keep it

but you gotta

let it go

you gotta

let go

it won't always be

not every time

and sometimes

few

and

far

between

but

it's in you

it's inside

filling you

and then

before you know it

you burst

and at that moment

nothing matters

and

it doesn't matter

who may have seen

or

who may have heard

you're changed

you've changed

these are the moments

we live for

it's the in-betweens

that make us

squirm

and doubt

and make us think

that we may not be living

up to our end

of the bargain

and that time

is our enemy

forget about it

our best

is yet to come

remember

that failure

isn't an option

even when

it becomes

an outcome

stand with me

do what you do

and

inspire me

...

this time, a rhyme.

you came to me

with your mother's eyes

and you're father's lies

and as i stood

you stole the good

from me

never asking

basking

in everything i own

and all i've ever known

to be

i scream your name

through storms of flame

begging and pleading

short of breath

bleeding

please

what am i to do

i gave myself to you

and who would think

that in this minute

i'd see my future

and not be in it

as i fade

i see your face

grinning

winning

full of grace

...

your best kept.

your best kept secret

begs to be set free

and be known

as the mystique

grows

and small leaks

spring

right under my nose

and under your breath

do you have

something i want?

as the ransom

increases...

could this change my life?

dare i brave to ask

i wonder...

is the time right?

i want to be in your club

my skin is itching

please

share with me

whisper in my ear

this may bring us

closer

but i won't know

until i know

you can have anything

or everything

i have

before i explode

tell me

give me

what you've got

...

befallen.

i can feel your eyes

that look you have

swings an axe

i am defenseless

powerless

in your gaze

i am trained

to fall pale

as a tidal wave

of anxiety rushes over me

any confidence i have

melts off of me

my self-esteem

falls to the ground

cold sweat breaks

and i've never felt so sick

all that is hopeful

dangles in front of me

things i am capable of

become taunting reminders

of all i haven't done

you strip me bare

and freeze my bones

while torching my skin

have i spent everything?

is there anything left?

your tragic eyes

take it all away

...

climbing.

this pursuit of happiness

and freedom

we can't help but strive for

finds an enemy within

generations of fighting

endless battles

comes with a cost

we want far more

than we need

and we are so convinced

that we need it all

even at the price

of our brothers

and sisters

and it almost seems

inherent

to push off another's head

to get up to the next

and we start to rationalize

how unfair it is

and we get

desensitized

all to say

it's

mine

mine

mine

so we step on toes

until they break

and think it's fine

suppress the feeling

of right and wrong

and instead

it's

them or me

thinking that someday

someday...

i'll be king

never mind

how lonely

how shameful

how shallow

how empty

it may be

as long as i end up

on top

it will never be enough

onto the next rung

the next step

it's always on the

next one up

the next one

the next one

the next one

...

yeah yeah yeah.

the truth

yeah yeah yeah...

the truth.

the same simple word

i've used for decades

yet so much still eludes

the truth is

i am in turmoil.

and knowing that i am

lucky

to even be alive

though wonderful

doesn't solve the problems

in my head

i miss things

real things

things that breathe

things that loved me

people

animal

plus another thing

life

i have the best friend

i could ever hope to have

so many times

he has saved me
although

it's not what you may think

i am so grateful

more so than i can ever express to him

but it doesn't stop all the bleeding inside

in time

i hope it will

but time can really hurt

we know this

we have to suffer

to get

there

we get older

we realize that there are no

perfectly green pastures

over four decades

of life

i know this

but that does not mean

that complete unhappiness

is all we get

we hurt

we die slowly

but we don't always

have to feel that way

i am trying

i am reaching

i am sticking to my beliefs

i don't care who

thinks i may be

a liar

or even manipulative

i know it isn't true

it's their problem

and as much as i wish

it wasn't so

i don't have much say over that

i am guilty

just like you

because we're not perfect

and we never will be

at the same time

we are all perfect

we are perfectly who we are

we all trip and fall

and make mistakes

and we don't know what to do next

or how to deal with

how we feel

and riding it out

gets old

and really hurts

all the time

even when we realize

that this is how we have to do it

don't be afraid to cry out

don't be afraid to trust

don't be afraid to

believe

just don't

...

this is tonight.

i am overwhelmed with:

confusion

frustration

uncertainty

outright fear

and...

at the same time:

gratitude

love

friendship

outright hope...

how can that be?!?!

i am a cauldron

of emotions

that i can't understand

and it makes me feel stupid

at my age

not to be

and feel

more...

stable.

as always,

i know i am not alone

but that doesn't give me

any answers...

part of me

could really give a shit...

ya know??

this is life,

yes?

right?

but that doesn't

always help...

does it?

i know

that you know

this feeling

perhaps

to a lesser

or more

degree...

and this is exactly why

this is written

we can suffer

alone.

we can rejoice

alone.

but i want to share

why?

because it's who i am.

so...

i ask you...

do you read on?

or stop right here?

so now we all have choices...

stay

go

move

stand still

live

or die

literally

figuratively

what are you gonna do?

what am i gonna to do?

no one knows...

no one knows...

no one could ever

know.

but we can

help each other

decide

we can help each other

continue on

through this maze...

you don't owe me anything...

not a response

of any kind

not even any simple

recognition at all

you can turn your back

and this will

all continue

anyway

i just do this

i reach out

i let you in

and i don't care

i really don't

like it or not

here it is

tonight

...