damn tonight, damn this whole year.

i don't care who knows

and i don't care what anyone thinks

except a few

i've been to the edge

in fact...

i've fallen over

and been hanging

by breaking fingernails

only to either

crawl my way back onto the ledge

or be pulled back up

by someone i love

but

i don't want
or need
 your

sympathy

or even your empathy

i'm just saying

i've been there

turning 41 soon

started promising careers

that didn't work out

relationships

two marriages

one in young

crazy days

but there was love

then

one a bit later

and man...

did i love that gal...

but so what?
they are over now
and gone.

no more grandparents

no father

my mother

i love her

but she is struggling

a lot like i am

no one but a few

friends that are

as much my family

as anyone could be

like you

and you

i've made mistakes

and i do have regrets

but this is not the point...

when life is at it's peak

up or down

good or bad

we tend to live in the moment

as... i feel

it should be

but what do i know?

i'm just another

another broken down,

but still living, man

like so many of you

but i am not afraid

to let you know

to tell you more

than just the good

or cool things

i've done and seen

i've spent more time

on the floor

shattered

than i ever did standing

and it doesn't matter

because all attempts to reach out

are painful

and

because everyone has a life

with all it's failures

and troubles

i know this sounds

foolish

and feeble

but i don't care

it's how i feel

tonight

...

dodging bullets.

when we look

when we try to see

our lives

the ups

the downs

the in-betweens

the ruts

and those times

when we turn around

and the year has passed

it's all just an illusion

it's not real

you've seen it

the 40 year old man

or woman

who doesn't look it

then the 35 year old

who looks 50

but who's to say

what any age should "look" like?

cliches exist because we keep them alive

they are abstract

they can be applied

to so many situations

and seem so profound

that's why they are cliches

because they have lasted

through generations

of successes

and failures

but they are just words

nothing more

these

are

just

words

nothing more

crossroad after crossroad

we make choices

at times,

we don't even know it

but we do

survival

wishing for death

to come during your sleep tonight

is a survival tactic

to make you feel better

until tomorrow

to most of us

life is a fight

and we keep losing

and losing

but we live

and it seems

that the stronger our desire

to expire

the longer we are destined

to live on

funny, isn't it?

and then

we turn corners

we see a light

a way

an answer

to something

and time churns on

this roller coaster

will not stop

no matter what

while you and i breathe

and as easy as death can be

somehow

you and i

tonight

are alive

dodging bullets

of so many kinds

and

of course

it's not easy

not by any means

but we are here

so...

what do we do now?

...

splinters.

we take things

and we break them apart

and then

we make them into

something else

easier to be a king

among many castles

than to strive to be

the one and only

and i get it

therefore

we are split

divided

into genres

and then

sub-genres

it's easier

to break off

into your own

tribe

make the rules

tailor them to fit

your wants

your desires

to suit yourself

to make everything

easier

and i get it

but

each time

a new culture

then

a new sub-culture

is born

it is exactly that

new

like a child

ungoverned

non-evolved

we wonder why

we have to fight

on so many levels

to do anything

this is why

every day

kings fight kings

and subjects fight subjects

and still

everyone wants to be

#1

but that can never happen

because we took

#1

and torn it into

countless sets

such as man

such as the lazy

impatient

headstrong

yet insecure

man

wanting it all

now

and not willing

to earn even a sliver of it

practice some mind control

gain a few followers

and feel like a ruler

it's quite the boost

an ego needs

for a man

to call himself

master

and i do get it

life is short

and we all want to make our mark

but

i'm afraid

so few will be remembered

if even thought of at all

even the bee that stings

is forgotten

i'll stand back

and watch

i want no part

i will do

what i will do

being remembered

worshiped

emulated

or even liked

by masses

is something
i will never dream of

pure expression

that is my only truth

and the love of those

i love

is all that matters

if i can achieve that

then i am king

in my own life

and no one has to know

or care

because that
is not the point

i will not be

a splinter
...

chalk outlines.

when you open you eyes

and colors and images take shape

how real is it?

we speak of

"peripheral" vision

but that's all it is

everything.

everywhere.

mere interpretations

created both

consciously 

and subconsciously

through each "sense"

we possess...
i can't help but think
that we may as well

just be watching 
a "life-size" television...

masturbating...

smelling scented candles...

as our minds reach and search

for any similarity they can find

so we can better understand

our immediate surroundings

and attempt to make sense

of anything we can...

and life becomes
nothing more

then a simple story

that we continuously create
in our own minds

with all of our own unique

"identifications"

so...

is anything...

everything...

real?

or is it all just

our own

manufactured reality?

looking around,

all i see

hear

smell

even feel...

seem more and more
like simple

chalk outlines.

...

languages.

we speak

when there is nothing to say

should language be

so free?

we create our own dialects

and fold words like paper

just to keep our mouths running

just to keep out tongues loose

expression...

my,

how frustrating it can be

so much so

that speaking

isn't nearly enough

at times

we must even act out

the roots of our personalities...

to show you

to tell you

how i feel

what i want

my desire to know

what you see

what you want

how you feel

no matter how overwhelming

it gets

we keep on

trying to distinguish

extinguish

relinquish

every moment

we don't want to be

alone

we don't want to feel

alone

even when we wish

to be left alone

we search for release

we use every channel

that our bodies will allow

with our eyes

our tongues

even our fists at times...
though,

my favorite,

is love.

although it hurts the most

and cuts deeper than any knife

ever could

i'll take the payoff

any and every time.

yes, i want your attention

yes, i want your affection

and yes, i will bare my soul

to get the purest embrace

possible

this does not frighten me

to give this to you

my...

vulnerability.

because the kiss i crave from you

is the sweetest

when i know

that it's as real

as it can be

your skin against mine

is warmest

when i know

it's as true

as i can make it.

so i will use

this language of mine

this language all my own

and if i should be so free

then i will,

regardless

of it's price,

it's cost,

it's toll,

continue.

because,

very simply,

you

and i

are worth it.

the dance.

twisting and turning

we try

to perform

a dance

with our

wrenching and squirming

without a

brightside

there is no

darkside

even happiness

can grow stale

static

boring

yes...

even happiness

can become

unhappiness

we feel elation

while we rise

but...

we must first

and again

fall to pieces

it's not just

appreciation

it's far more

it's so deep inside

that it seems

more...

chemical

balance is impossible

when you are trying

to achieve it

but it is the way

of our lives

the scales tip

from side to side

simply

like we step

from our left foot

to our right

and denial

is futile

but we do it

all throughout

each story

each emotion

each episode

we want to

understand

we seek answers

yet we cannot even speak

the questions

because there are none

we want movement

yet we are always moving

and it's always

either too fast

or too slow

to attempt to steady one's self

takes so much time

and concentration

and then

just as the page seems to turn

the room spins again

the ground beneath us

tilts

and we are off camber

again

it helps

to realize

that this will always be

but it doesn't really solve

anything...

does it?

we are constantly moving 

because

we have no choice

it's not just the world

that won't wait

it's our own lives

try not to think...

you cannot

we're in a current

in which we can fight

or ride with

but

nonetheless

from day to day

moment to moment

it's all ups

and downs

and in-betweens

and there is nothing

you or i can do

to stop it

even the strongest

PMA

has very limited control

and it can make us feel

like nothing more

than mere vessels

like

leaves in the breeze

and

truthfully

that is all

we are

...

don't even.

opinions.

may as well

be facts

to you.

you believe,

so it's your

truth.

we speak so easily...

perhaps

too easily...

and we use tone

and body language

and volume

as if that is

proof...

proof that what we say

is real.

searching for validation.

the more people who relate,

the more true the words are,

yes?

but...

of course

that is nowhere near

accurate.

it still means nothing.

it still does not matter.

it's still bullshit.

just another ploy

to rise above where we stand.

it really doesn't work,

but we do it anyway.

i'm sick

and

i'm tired

of hearing your

"point"

just speak to me

unafraid

give me a little

humanity

and then

only then

will i really listen

and respect you

and your words.

but...

keep trying

to go over my head

and i will simply duck

because the truth

is a feeling,

a trust,

not a handful

of empty

words and 

expressions...

keep them.

save that breath

for breathing

it's hot enough here

already
...

ashes ashes.

pushing and pulling

never still

the walls are caving in

collapsing around you and i

leaving us exposed

to all that is

to be seen

heard

felt

we are prey

waiting to be

bitten

scratched

burned

frozen

ripped apart

and left as remains

no more breath

no more flowing of blood

except into the porous medium

below where we once stood

this world is tearing us apart

we fight

we try to hide

we do whatever we can

to stay alive

so far

though beaten

and broken

tomorrow came today

even when we knew

it would not

we were wrong

again

and i find myself singing

ashes

ashes

we all fall

down

...

blueprint.

they say in life:

it's "easy come & easy go"

and that

"good things come to those who wait"

but then they say

"gotta hold onto what you have"

and

"if you want something in life,

you have to seize the day"

"they" always seem to have an answer,

don't they?

an opinion on just how i should

live my life

learning lessons from a book of cliches

learning life from a "hand me down" phrase

but that's not the way for me

"time flies when you're having fun"

and

"good things never last" (never last! - ode to Insted)

although they may seem true at times

remember that a "line" is just a "line"

not a formula or philosophy

or a blueprint for you to follow.

live life your way

live today

not how other people say.

(lyrics i wrote when i was lucky enough to be writing, recording & playing

with Where Fear And Weapons Meet - this was always the song i

was most proud of "lyrically" on the Unstoppable cd we released on

Triple Crown Records in around 2001)

reasons and excuses.

the pressure was too much

because you decided it was

but was it?

as i saw you struggle through

i watched you

i was there

for some...

giving up

and making excuses

is easy

for others

it isn't

the outcome is yours alone

the results are on you

reasons are one thing

they make sense

but excuses...

excuses are begging

for validity

for:

fear

lack of confidence

low self esteem

or

downright getting yourself involved

in something you couldn't handle

reasons

are much more easily

understood

things go wrong sometimes

reasons make more sense

can't you tell

when you are using

excuses or reasons?

i can.

it's crystal clear to me

and what is said

is usually not

what gives it away

it's how it's said.

and i can tell the difference.

most of us can.

and it's always

one or the other

a reason

or an excuse

to escape

to be forgiven

to boost your bruised ego

because

you know the truth

you know the truth

and day after day

it may go unsaid

but you know

and you know that i know

my acceptance...

shouldn't mean shit to you

my respect...

now that's another story

i want yours

i would hope you'd want mine

now...

i'm not saying

that you should watch what you say

or in any way

not be yourself

i accept you for you

i respect you as a man

as a woman

as a person

and i don't get mad easily

disappointed...

quite a bit more often

because i like to think

more of you than you think

perhaps

at times

more of you

than you even do.

i can't tell you what to say

how to act

how to feel

it's not my place

and i wouldn't dare

i just hope

and i really mean it...

i hope

you'll make the right decisions

you already know what they are...

so...

what's it gonna be
?