mellow drama.

lying down
legs crossed
head propped up
perfectly beneath
my folded arms
the temperature
is just right
time to try to relax
clear my mind
i think of a clean
pure white room
i steady my breathing
in through my nose
out through my mouth
using even the lower lobes
of my lungs
on inhale
my belly rises
instead of just my chest
perhaps a slight hum
upon exhale
to begin to concentrate
on as little as possible
on nothing
if i can
a slight form
of meditation
it's comfortable
for a short time
and then
the walls in the room
begin to bleed colors
of all that i am trying
not to think about
all the things i miss
all the things i need
"how do i?"
"when can i?"
"where will i?"
all the thoughts that invade my mind
they creep in
i continue to try
to stay calm
i know it's possible
i've studied these things
these techniques
i just need some peace
just a little
to freshen up
my thought process
just for a while
again
i fail
my eyes open
i sit up
i grab my elbows
and lean forward
as my stomach
begins to ache
i close my eyes
and clench my teeth
hoping not to break any
my hands start to shake
i begin counting the hours
first the total
then hour by hour
all the way down to the minutes
and a wash of hopelessness
engulfs me
"i cannot live",
i tell myself...
i am too far
beneath my own doing
beneath my own life
and i begin to panic
depression
confusion
frustration
the thought of death
is the best one i can
come up with
a slight smile
then an overwhelming
guilt
because i am aware
of just how ridiculous
and pathetic
that thought is
i search
feverishly
for some solace
and at these moments
i find none
and even though i know
that i am far from alone
it brings me no comfort
right now
this is me
this is my life
my here
my now
i cannot think
of the others
sitting in the same position
as i am in right now
because they too
are in pain
like me
i search for a poison
to wash this far too sober feeling away
it never works
not for long
no answers
no coherent questions
just one word
just one wish
escape
...