Sunday, January 27, 2013

mellow drama.

lying down
legs crossed
head propped up
perfectly beneath
my folded arms
the temperature
is just right
time to try to relax
clear my mind
i think of a clean
pure white room
i steady my breathing
in through my nose
out through my mouth
using even the lower lobes
of my lungs
on inhale
my belly rises
instead of just my chest
perhaps a slight hum
upon exhale
to begin to concentrate
on as little as possible
on nothing
if i can
a slight form
of meditation
it's comfortable
for a short time
and then
the walls in the room
begin to bleed colors
of all that i am trying
not to think about
all the things i miss
all the things i need
"how do i?"
"when can i?"
"where will i?"
all the thoughts that invade my mind
they creep in
i continue to try
to stay calm
i know it's possible
i've studied these things
these techniques
i just need some peace
just a little
to freshen up
my thought process
just for a while
i fail
my eyes open
i sit up
i grab my elbows
and lean forward
as my stomach
begins to ache
i close my eyes
and clench my teeth
hoping not to break any
my hands start to shake
i begin counting the hours
first the total
then hour by hour
all the way down to the minutes
and a wash of hopelessness
engulfs me
"i cannot live",
i tell myself...
i am too far
beneath my own doing
beneath my own life
and i begin to panic
the thought of death
is the best one i can
come up with
a slight smile
then an overwhelming
because i am aware
of just how ridiculous
and pathetic
that thought is
i search
for some solace
and at these moments
i find none
and even though i know
that i am far from alone
it brings me no comfort
right now
this is me
this is my life
my here
my now
i cannot think
of the others
sitting in the same position
as i am in right now
because they too
are in pain
like me
i search for a poison
to wash this far too sober feeling away
it never works
not for long
no answers
no coherent questions
just one word
just one wish

1 comment:

  1. mellow drama

    every man's [and woman's] instance of the shadow we accidentally cast, but is always there

    many cultures warn of observing one's shadow, in all the different ways, shadows cast by the sun, campfire, lighbulb

    whether it be cast on your bedroom wall, the floor at work, on your loved one

    i am an observer of the shadow too, yet many are not

    welcome home