suffer the living pt.1

it's hard

not to hurt

someone

somewhere

all throughout a life

i've tried

i failed

whether or not i meant to

means nothing

pain is pain

and with all apologies

we all know

forgiving and forgetting

are two very different things

as flawed as i am

as beaten and broken

as i've become
i know

i am not alone at all

and fairness means

things can't always be fair

not always

selfishness
and
 selflessness 

are two sides of a scale

that can

at times

even out

but not often enough

life is full

of very thin lines

so thin at times

that they seem
invisible

and we trip

and we fall

we cannot follow
these lines

no matter how hard
we try

yet so often

we expect

perfection

but i am afraid

that is a dream

a wish

a demand

that can never be
fulfilled

i am sorry
...

Turning.

all too often

all the same

greener grass grows

where heads never rest

wants and needs

twist and change color

seeing numbers

again

it seems so familiar

the patterns

turn and change shape

learn and keep learning

only one ear

can touch the ground

while the other waits it's turn

and the history fades

even faster than the

paper does

and the forgotten

is remembered

against the will

of even the most

seasoned veteran

hearts beat

and breaths are taken

and thus

minds continue

turning.

i survive.

still standing

somehow

risen

from a storm

of both ice and fire

i couldn't explain it

if i tried

still
i am alive

living in the shadow

of all that's been

of the solid brick wall

built to keep me

out

no sunlight

no sunlight for me

keeping me pale

keeping me sick

i can run for days

in shadows

no sunlight

i imagine

it's my own imagination

designing the levels

of my nightmares

cold and damp

always dark

but for some reason

i scale the walls

i keep running

hope

i smile for you

for this is not your fault

i would never bring you in

further than this

you deserve a smile

until you don't

i avoid mirrors

so i don't have to see

no sunlight

this is how

i survive
...

short & sweet

this is a request:



a simple gesture

gather your strength

gather your love

gather good thoughts

about those you love

about those you care for

and those who care for you

and send it to them

you don't have to call them

or write to them

or talk about them

just take some time

and within yourself

think of them

not because life is fleeting

not because something bad has happened

or could happen tonight

or tomorrow

but because

you can.

blood.

i have a brother

a true friend

i will talk to anyone

but when it comes to my brother

i can say anything

i trust

without hesitation

never a single moment of doubt

and i know for a fact

he feels the same

i consider myself very fortunate 

we would fight 

over who would take the bullet

to save the other

i know he will read this

and know it is about him

after the very first line

i feel so strongly

about just how important this is to me

that i can write this

for all to see

with both pride and honor

i am grateful.

connect.

who will you turn to

when you are at last ready to admit

that you need help

where will you go

where your tears won't become

a hailstorm

will you claim 

that your beating was unfair

though it will not matter

right or wrong

good or bad

it never matters

and you know it

but still

you will fight

an imaginary foe

again

new wounds

next to old scars

gained on the same battlefield

on which you raised yourself 

and every adversary

shares your very face

they keep coming

endlessly

this stubborn Pavlovian experiment

you've cast on yourself

begs you to realize

it's futility

so tell me

now that you've decided

that no one can be trusted

and your full-grown ego tells you

that you are the only one

and that no one could possibly understand...

such arrogance

keeps you well hidden

your fear of being vulnerable

will always win

until you let go

and let yourself

connect
...

Stir Crazy.

static.

i don't even want the things i want tonight

so there are no answers

just dull thudding

sullen shades normally calming

are boring

and these nights never end

all i can hear

is the pulse from my temple on a pillow

it reminds me of walking through snow

as a child

the same bizarre image

as far back as i can remember

it never happened

like so many other things

countless cycles to break

before it's all over

senseless

the same conversation

i have with myself

over and over

the great debate

can never end

while i have breath

as blood and air move

no matter how still i may lay

i remain.

Let Go.

you ask me to believe

you want me to believe

dare i could i wish i could even think

that you would care

so much about

the difference between

truth and dishonesty

before i go into

before i give it

before i let it

get the best of me

you know how much it takes

it takes it takes it takes

you've seen what it does to me

you've seen it

but still and still you ask me

believe believe believe believe

and you know i want to see

you know how bad i want to hear

to see it hear it feel it

you know just how fucking badly

so before i swallow

before i take it take it take it take it

before i push it in

i hope for once in your miserable life

if you can possibly believe in me

pride

envy

ego

let go.

i was just wondering...

i was sitting alone...

i do that sometimes...

random thoughts.

disturbing thoughts i'm fighting to overcome...

then i was wondering...

do you know i'm alive?

do you know i am here?

could you be sitting alone like i am?

what are the chances...

i could be on your mind?

it's silly - i know.

but to clear my mind as best i can,

i must let my thoughts roam freely,

selfishly at times,

selflessly at times.

i could put my arms around you

and pull you into myself

and pull myself into you.

if you asked me to - i would never let go.

i would fight to my very last breath,

just to see you smile.

if i can make you smile,

my day is made

my month, my week, my year...

my life...

would gain meaning.

silly - i know... to you...

but to me,

it means everything.

i have given myself away

many times...

and i've been tossed away like garbage,

but i don't care.

when i give myself to you,

i am ready for whatever you may do.

you are free to do what you will.

i can only hope

deep in my heart

that you may embrace me...

but that is just a wish

not an obligation. 

just as you are free to cast me away

i am free to stay beside you...

for as long as i can.

where does it get you?

do you know right from wrong?

yeah, you do...

you can rationalize just about anything to make your life a little bit easier for the moment...

does it really work out?

nah, it doesn't, does it?

when you let the actions or gestures of another change the man or woman you are or want to be,

you have become controlled.

you have conformed.

you lose.

is it so tough not to let what "they" do - change you?

at times, yes, it is.

does it hurt?

yes.

but where does it get you?

nowhere.

you become what you despise.

you become less than what you are.

you sell yourself out - cheat yourself.

true strength rises above.

it's not how you fall...

it's how you stand back up that matters.