employee.

in my mind

my pockets are

turned out

i pawned my dreams

for rent

and electric bills

i have no more

good ideas

no more free wind

through my hair

no more trips

to distant lands

i wouldn't know

where to go

if i could

anymore

just name tags

and ugly black shoes

fake smiling faces

smiling back at me

and i've conned myself

into caring

for so long

that perhaps

now

i actually do

small paychecks

and

big headaches

the luxury of sleep

that i can afford

i don't

and i haven't

for a long

long time

spending my last

few dollars

on poison

so many poisons

it makes no

difference

they're all toxic

it's all toxic

and i'll only know

how fast it's been

killing me

at the end

and i'll wish

i had done it

differently

only

it will be

too late

...

perceive.

it can be hard

to believe

things

things we hear

things we feel

things we see

we wonder

if we can

understand

if it is true

we want to believe

words

people

ourselves

and whether it

matters

or it doesn't

sometimes

we want it to

so we believe

to keep us calm

to keep us in touch

to give us something

to hold onto

i do believe

that we are all

very deeply

connected

but still

i question

do you hear

what i hear

do you feel

what i feel

do you see

what i see?

...

pitchfork.

the demons are

dancing

and laughing

at me

they taunt me

endlessly

singing me

the saddest songs

and whispering lies

in my ears

until they bleed

with smirks

on their faces

secrets and curses

making me doubt

who i am

asking me if

the life i've led

will bring me

the death

i deserve

they never tire

feeding on

my screams

and tears

constantly reminding me

that i am their king

that i created them this way

and that they

will only die

when i do

they look just like me

they sound just like me

they suffer

just like me

their torment

is almost

beautiful

there is a pitchfork

beside my bed

they are waiting

...

head case.

anxiety

a lead weight

in my belly

a sharp chill

down my spine

what was it

that i said

or did

that went against

my nature

and is now

echoing

in my head?

shame and regret

all of the wasted

minutes

hours

days

it's just a feeling

i tell myself

to let it go

try not to care

i can't

it's not me

that's not who i am

i want to know

though it does not

matter

causes and effects

there is always

a reason

but i can't figure it out today

and as night falls

it's worse

because i'm tired

and this poison

is still inside me

and i can't give up

no matter

how hard

i try

...

pre-mortem.

as thoughts

become actions

they can also become

dangerous

sometimes

it's not what we do

it's what we don't

that haunts us

needles and smoke

knives and bullets

even love

keep your eyes

open

be careful when you blink

right now

we are all here

and some things

require a second

thought

we all know

that the truth

can hurt

and as tragedy

seems less shocking

and we are more surprised

by a smile

we need to keep on

smiling

we need to set

the tone

we need to keep it

together

we can not let

the story of our lives

become

the story of

our death

...

self defeat.

this broken

humanity

is cold and hard

like concrete

the bricks fall

like rain

crushing the love

out of me

wounds on wounds

as my body

fights back

begging for it

to stop

just makes it

worse

your smile

hits me like

a hammer

it's never

enough

you'll tell me
that i

deserved it

just as they

told you

it's not fair

it's never

fair

everything breaks

like shattering glass

as i grow

weaker

i gave you this

i cast the stones

it was me

...

complex.

staring at my enemy

in the mirror

i've avoided you

for so long

thanking the tears

for blurring my image

and trying to

protect me

from the shame

and all

that apologies

cannot fix

this uneasy feeling

i get at dusk

as the landscape changes

without me

my veins are tired

from all the bad blood

that passes through them

all that i could have

and should have done

and the chances

i will never have again

like footprints in sand

they are washed away

and it doesn't matter

i honestly never wanted more

than to be happy

and as i stripped away

the means

i learned the truth

and that

it just doesn't work

that way

when you smile

it makes me smile

but it is fleeting

and again

i find myself

lost in the desert

alone

knowing

it doesn't have to be

this way

it

just

is

...

wraithlike.

i'm walking 

through walls

and trees

and through lives

and no one

is noticing

and it seems like

i've been at it

forever

must have traveled

1000s of miles

but no

i haven't gone

anywhere

just one big

circle

and i'm here

again

thinking in

patterns

trying not to

speaking in

fragments

just  as i

am living

bursts of colors

and sounds

and as they

go straight though

i am left behind

never dreamed

it could get

any lonelier

but then again

how could i ever

who would ever

want to

follow or join me

and could they

if they tried

am i a ghost

or a

shadow

or neither

no one should

notice

and no one

should care

because

i'm not here

i never was

so

there is nothing

to forget

...

sick days.

it's not

what you said

it's what you

didn't

now i sit here

alone

in silence

darkness

but i hear things

this constant conversation

with myself

i'm talking to you

and you know

exactly

what i'm saying

but you never answer

through all the pain

and all of the

sick days

together

that should have made us

stronger

instead

made us

weak

i was lucky

to be with you

because

i loved you

because

i love you

and so

the dialog

never ends

sometimes

i truly feel

like you can hear me

and sometimes

i know

you're thinking

about me

but still

you don't reply

i try

to convince myself

that your hatred

is just your fear

keeping you from me

i can't believe

that it's over

forever

i won't

if you stretch out

your arms

if you smile

if you reach out to me

i will be there

and if you ask me

i will never

let go

...

tears of a ghost.

i am trying to

forget

your voice

your smile

your scent

but nothing's working

and even though

i am dying inside

it's not because

i don't love you

it's because i know

that you have forgotten

about me

i haven't heard from you

and i am in

denial

but it's clear

and so

so obvious

that it isn't because

you're too busy

or that you are shy

it's because

you don't want

to talk to me

you don't want

anything to do

with me

and though it makes

perfect sense

i am not ready

to believe it

i am a fool

as i always was

and will always be

when it comes to you

and missing you

has become

a way of life

for me

and it still hurts

as much as ever

but it's ok

because even though

i could die with a smile

if it were in your arms

not hearing the truth

from your lips

keeps this love

real

and rather than fall

into the silent

darkness

of a true

final moment

i'd prefer to stay

in my fantasy of you

because at least there

i can hold you

in my arms

again

...