vacancy.

what if you're wrong?

all these thoughts

intuitions

gut instincts

that you are so sure about

these images

that have transformed

into your reality...

so often

we tend to see past

any sort of

reasonable doubt

but what can we know

beyond any reasonable doubt

in our everyday lives?

and if you always know

what will happen next

next week

next year

the next time

then you are boring

because you'll never

react

to anything

but it's all lies

lies to yourself

lies about your whole entire life

you believe you can see through me?

you can't even see the wall

you're about to walk straight into

the best part is

it doesn't matter

and still

you have something

to prove

but that something

is nothing at all

and deep down inside

you know it

you're hiding

but i can see you

and so can everyone else

it's so clear

so why do it?

trying to make sense

of the senseless?

because we believe

it gives us some control

but it doesn't

not at all

but rather

it just

tightens the blinders

as we hone our skill

of avoidance

and apathy

i ask you:

what do you want?

do you even know?

if you don't ease back

you may never know

and that makes you

even more boring still

yeah

there's always an excuse

there's always an angle

that makes you feel safe

and justified

so you react

by trying not to react

it's easier to give up

fuck up

and ditch out

do you truly believe

it scars you less?

i'm sorry

but i will never believe that

all those things you do

that you would never really do

to make your quick

and seemingly less painful

escape

to relieve yourself

of the burden

of caring

will not kill you

someday

they have killed you

already

in your mind

since you know it all

your life has been lived

it's been over

for a long time

and now 
you are just coasting on rails

what will it take

to wake you up?

what will it take

to get yourself

in motion

and see what you've got?

show me

show somebody

anybody

most of all

show yourself

that you aren't just a shell

long vacated
...

seekers.

the truth

we are seekers

of the truth

even though

at times

we don't really want to know

but we cannot stand

not to

so we push

and pull

and take it on

the endeavor

to find out

no one wants to be left out

in the dark

we search for light

we want to see

we want to know

we need to know

these questions

and doubts

they chew away

in our bellies

tearing us apart

breaking us down

for me

it's not wanting to miss out

on something

beautiful

and meaningful

i don't like to waste time

i like to spend it

and if i can know

i can act

good or bad

i want resolution

i want to keep moving

static

kills me slowly

and regardless

of how tough life can be

i want to live

i want to see

as much as i can

can i do more?

of course i can

can i explore more options than i do?

definitely

but we all have restraints

situations and responsibilities

that slow us down

put up roadblocks

and detours

in the road

we wish was open

with no limits

but that is simply

not in our reality

so

take the chances you can afford

and take them

wholeheartedly

because some of these chances

may not come again

for a long time

if at all

yes

i am afraid

i have reservations

i have doubts

"will this take me to a better place?"

"or will it take me down?"

but we will never know

unless we take

leaps of faith

i want to know

so badly

what i may or may not be capable of

and as i grow older

the days

the months

the years

they seem to pass faster

and faster

so i try

to grab on

and hold on

not only to what matters

and has mattered for so many years

but also

to what may be

to what may exist out here

for me

this enthusiasm

is not constant

like you

at times

i want to hide under the sheets

and face nothing

but that is just a day

here and there

and maybe

we need that "break"

from time to time

in this world

at this time

it is hard

to keep our PMA

up

but i feel

we must try

things change

they always do

and they always will

that

is out of our control

nothing stays the same

but we have more power

than we sometimes believe we do

i am telling you

because wherever

and whoever you are

i care

and it doesn't matter

if we've met

a thousand times

or just once

you are special

and you are no one

just like me

but your impact

has been felt

by others

regardless of how

insignificant you believe you may be

you matter

the outside world

will always effect us

but we can see through

and be who we are

please believe me

because we are the same

we are all connected

more than you or i know

remain a seeker

of the truth

the truth

that lies

inside of you

and the truth

to be found in this life

because you deserve it

and because

it will bring us together

more so

than you or i could

possibly imagine

...

choose your pain.

hatred hurts

we hate

what we cannot

comprehend

what we cannot

figure out

hatred is the cop out

to trying

to learning

to understanding

yet love...

hurts even more

because

we don't give up so easily

we want to understand

we want to know

we want to believe

does it exist?

can it exist?

day in

day out

we fight

within ourselves

struggling to

find out

all the while

the cynicism

that fills air around us

whispers...

"if it seems too good to be true,

then it must be"

but we don't want to believe that

we want to defy the odds

we want to believe

that love is real

and we want to feel it

but it is hard

to keep the walls down

and the doors open

to be vulnerable

is the more difficult path

and if it doesn't pay off

we begin the process

of hatred

i find it funny

in the saddest of ways

that the popular

most practiced belief

is the opposite

of what seems so clear

to me

living in a box

is no life i wish to lead

letting any and every

disappointment

force the walls in

even closer

until there is no room left

not even for ourselves

i turned my brick walls

into paper ones

and broke through them

a long time ago

and though tonight

i sit alone

i wouldn't trade the experiences

i've had

for anything in this world

i still believe

i know it's out there

the fact that we will all

suffer

will not change

but it is us

who decides

it is us

who have the power to choose

what we will suffer for

for me

the choice is clear

and obvious

i will suffer for love.

sometimes.

sometimes...

i wanna just let go

of all of my restraint

and do things i'll regret

even though

that isn't me

but sometimes...

i wanna do it anyway

sometimes...

i want to let everyone know

just how i feel

and i do

sometimes...

i just want to feel loved

and then i do

sometimes...

i want warm

soft

loving skin

against my own

a long

meaningful embrace

and sometimes
 i get that

sometimes...

i want to passionately

and aggressively

fuck with all my heart

and body can handle

sometimes...

i wish

to be taken from this life

in my sleep

sometimes...

i lay awake

and wonder about you

sometimes...

i simply want to run away

disappear

not exist

be erased from any memory

anyone may have of me

sometimes i feel these things

and so many others

just

like

you

...

decisions.

decisions

we take them

we make them

whether we want to

or not

we have to deal with them

and the politics

these crooked beliefs

that someone debated

to somehow make sense

to someone

sometimes to you

sometimes to me

lean the scales

of our decisions

just how much time

do you or i have

to make the right decisions

?

sometimes you must act

without thought

even when your heart

is in the right place

the involvement of others

effect the outcomes

of our choices

most of us

aren't instinctually out

to hurt another

but it happens

doesn't it?

we make choices

that we dread

having to live with

but we make them nonetheless

no choice

no time

no other options

so...

sometimes we prevail

sometimes we slip

and take a nasty fall

we can only prepare so much

for what we think

we may have to encounter

and it stings

and we want to go back

and react differently

but we cannot

is it too late

damage insues

we break things

we never wanted to break

and then

they are gone forever

most of the time

these "cat-like" reflexes

we wish to possess

we never will

you will screw up

so will i

it happens to everyone

everyday

all the time

without reason

without warning

without any control

we can practice

we can attempt

to have forsight

it helps

but it is no failsafe

this is not meant to

be negative

or positive

it is merely

an observation

focused

within myself

over many many years

i believe

the very best way

to deal with it

is to come to terms with it

you will never be perfect

not to anyone else

not in your own mind

not in this lifetime

realize this

and it helps you let go

helps you

not think so damn much

about everything

then

maybe we can

make our daily decisions

with clearer thought

and maybe

just maybe

we can stay upright

just a little more often

...

feel.

as lonely as you feel

please

try to know

you are not alone

not ever

this feeling

of dead end road

of isolation

could never be

just for you

it hurts

yes

it is supposed to hurt

if it didn't

how much

would love mean?

to anyone?

this pain

among so many pains

balances out

our entire lives

you will never see again

any of the sights you've seen

the sounds you've heard

the times you've had

it will never be the same again

because those things are gone

forever

the shades

the rooms

the time and the date

will always be different

always

but...

you will

feel again

as you live

and breathe

you will feel

you may never think

that anything could change

but you couldn't stop it

as hard as you may ever try

how you live

how you hurt

how you love

how and who you are

now

and from each moment on

is guided by

feeling

all of your comforts

and ills

will be felt

that is how you will recognize

that is how you will decide

where to go

who you know

every little aspect

of all that you do

is based on how you feel

and though at times

you don't have much

control

you have so much more

than you could possibly

imagine

i hope you feel better

so

please

try

...

the endless belief.

i have held my breath

i have bitten my tongue

somehow

hope

this endless

and stubborn

hope

has kept me alive

more than a dream

to someday come true

more than just a goal to reach

or fight for

this fire

is who i am

beyond consuming

it exudes from my every pore

it can never change

i cannot release

this

to say i would give my life

may sound like a graven

sacrificial end

but no

to give my life

in this case

means

giving all i can give

to live

to love

to share

smile

laugh

create

and experience

any and every

possibility

that may avail itself

and in this giving

i too want to live

where trust feels natural

because it exists

where love feels warm

because it is real

and doubt

is nothing more

than a memory

a myth

why believe?

why hope?

as useless as it feels

at times

i have no choice

i cannot give up

i cannot forget

if it can happen

and i do believe

it can happen

i want to see it

i want to live it

it can't just be a thought

it can't just be an idea

it's out here somewhere

my eyes

my ears

my arms

my heart

are all

open

...