ugly.

you told me that i am

beautiful

you looked right into my eyes

you meant it.

i know.

you loved me.

that,

i also know

even now

that you may not love me

anymore

i can still feel

the warmth

i remember

the feeling

it meant more to me

than anything

ever

because i loved you also

and because of that

i still love you

i always have

i always will

because you weren't just talking

about my eyes

or my lips

you saw inside of me

when i asked you:

"what is beautiful about me?"

you replied,

"everything"

i never thought i would hear those words

from someone

so special to me

because

in my heart

in my soul

you were

perfection

and you meant it

i've never thought i was anything

but a struggling

weathered man

like any other

yes
it is true

i love you

i would have done

anything

for you

i still would

you saw me

you see me

you know me

and though

i feel like the ugliest man

alive

you made me feel

beautiful

as if i had done right

as if all i've stood for

my whole life

meant something after all

i knew exactly what you meant

it doesn't matter what happened

it doesn't matter where you are now

i will always feel you

your spirit

your words

they weren't simply heard

they were felt

and i haven't been the same since

and i never will be

if i'm fortunate

maybe someone will

see me like that again

like the way you saw me

the way you felt me

i still feel ugly

but that's ok

because that doesn't mean

anything

it doesn't take away

who i am

i remember how i felt

when i told you that you were

beautiful

i meant it every time

i still mean it

this entire story

is not as it reads

it's more than these words

these simple words

-read between these lines-

don't be afraid

this beauty

and

this ugliness

are the same

there is beauty

in the ugliness of life

and ugliness
in the beauty

but the look in your eyes

the warmth of  your smile

i will always feel

no matter how ugly

i believe myself to be
...

getting lost.

how much of what you say

do you actually mean?

how much is real?

i know

it's hard

to be honest

all the time...

mistake

after mistake...

how many apologies

will you make?

which is easier?

i know

you don't always

mean harm

if at all

but hiding behind the belief

that you just don't want

to cause pain,

makes very little sense.

the truth most often hurts

more than it doesn't

and i know

you are stronger than that

i have to think

that you simply

don't see it.

you've gotten too used

to taking the easy way

but it isn't any easier...

this is why

you always seem

unhappy

and confused

take time and think

of what you're doing.

this will not change

by itself.

it takes effort.

it takes strength.

you've got it,

so do it.

do you really want to know

what's happening around you?

do you really want to find out

how much control you have

over your own life?

practice brings improvement.

why do you think

that you must take

what you want?

when you can simply be honest

and sincere

and ask for it...
earn it...

it's not the world who's against you

it's you.

it is you.

no excuses.

no paranoid reasons.

i may know very little,

but this is simple.

keep wasting your breath

instead of using it,

and you'll continue to lose

time

truth

love

and your life.

ideology pt.1

you and i

all of us

we are

the same

with all of our differences

and conflicts

our alliances

our wars

our celebrations

our work

and our rest

we share.

you will never see

what i see

but you will always

feel

what i

feel

what we

feel

our desire

our pure desire

is for the discovery

of the knowledge

that we wish

not just to find

but to understand

to realize

though we live

in an oppressive

and confusing world

inside ourselves

and outside on the streets

you

reading this

i hope

that you are

feeling

this

you will never be

alone

your fire

burns like mine

your pain

hurts like mine

even without your name

i know you

you know me

connection.

no matter

if we have spoken,

no matter

if we have shared space,

we are together.

stoke the fire inside

keep it burning

find your way

to express

who you are

what you are

never believe

that you are no one

never believe

that you are someone either

you are

that's all

we are

that's it.

we use the same words

the same numbers

regardless of the tongue

regardless of the shapes

of the characters...

always be searching

always know

that your struggle

is our struggle

we are this world

we are this soul

we are this spirit

we are together

always

...

i believe.

i believe in many things.

i believe in many people.

but my belief

is built

on hope.

i have hope

for you.

for me.

for us.

i've had experiences

that although can never be

remembered with precise accuracy

that have nonetheless given me hope.

i have friends

that keep me alive

everyday

and have kept me alive

in the past.

they give me hope.

i've been in love

and felt so loved

that i could barely believe

that it could possibly be real.

but it was.

it can happen again.

i believe.

i have hope.

things will never be

as they were.

i believe that they can be

even better.

my hope and my belief

are one and the same.

can you truly say,

and mean it, 

that nothing is shocking anymore?

how could you?

none of us could ever know.

but i refuse to be bitter.

i refuse to be jaded.

i will never give up

hope.

i believe that if we keep our eyes

our ears

our hearts

open,

we find what we believe in.

we can have pure hope.

of course,

we see a lot of heartache

and pain,

those things are

unavoidable.

but those things

cannot break my belief

down.

everything comes.

everything goes.

sometimes they leave you behind.

sometimes you go with them.

but there is always change

there always will be

change.

through your own eyes

you can either be

 dismissive

or see what's happening in there.

i won't let

that one step back

that i am forced to take

while i am constantly trying to move

forward

effect my hope.

i won't cheat myself

or you

by letting that happen.

i believe in love.

i believe in chances.

i believe that great things happen

if you truly want them to

regardless of the setbacks that occur.

my eternal hope

keeps me believing.

i hope you feel the same.

because i believe in you.

these games.

we play games.

we all do.

usually when we

want what we can't have right now

or are afraid

to simply

ask for.

so we provoke,

antagonize,

or try to bait out

certain responses

that will tell us

how much control we have.

but as in most games

typically

someone wins

and someone loses

and that makes us both

losers

and no better off

than we were.

can these games be

fun?

exciting?

interesting?

of course they can.

but...

is the winner's prize

worth it all though?

after pushing and pulling

prying and withdrawing...

what have we got?

what is left but a twisted image

created by thought-out strategies,

shortcuts

deception

and the traps set out

to misshape and mold

our "opponent" into

what we are wishing for?

false truths

that our denial lets us believe...

what do we win?

nothing.

all we've done is waste time

valuable time

lost.

so...

we can play

sometimes

but remember this:

each move that you feel

brings you closer

to an illusion of certainty

is one step further

away from me.

because

quite frankly,

i suck at games.

all these games.

no one wins.

everyone loses.

sure, i wanna know

i wanna try

but when fun-time is over

and the games end,

we never truly

get what we want.

never.

and now

i am realizing

that i am getting older

perhaps too old to be playing

these games.

and losing

has been taking it's toll

for far too long.

so, if you please,

i don't wanna play tonight,

thank you.

next.

we all look back

with tears

with smiles

and all the while

unaware

the shades

the air

the momentum

can never be

truly remembered

blurry

exaggerated 

or simplified

it's all flat

it's all 2D

we will never be there again

never.

try as we might

we live in the now

and only

here

in the now

all that we believe we know
so well

is nothing more

than an illusion

we live

mostly

through involuntary

thoughts

movements

and feelings

it's Pavlovian.

it is.

the same words

with different meanings

different tones

it's just different

always

every single time

and everything is new

regardless

of how long it has been framed

and hanging

on the walls

of our minds

the images cannot be seen the same way

ever again

how many times

can we pretend

to know

what we think we know?

we know nothing

action

reaction

and it's gone.

next

...