Turning.

all too often

all the same

greener grass grows

where heads never rest

wants and needs

twist and change color

seeing numbers

again

it seems so familiar

the patterns

turn and change shape

learn and keep learning

only one ear

can touch the ground

while the other waits it's turn

and the history fades

even faster than the

paper does

and the forgotten

is remembered

against the will

of even the most

seasoned veteran

hearts beat

and breaths are taken

and thus

minds continue

turning.

i survive.

still standing

somehow

risen

from a storm

of both ice and fire

i couldn't explain it

if i tried

still
i am alive

living in the shadow

of all that's been

of the solid brick wall

built to keep me

out

no sunlight

no sunlight for me

keeping me pale

keeping me sick

i can run for days

in shadows

no sunlight

i imagine

it's my own imagination

designing the levels

of my nightmares

cold and damp

always dark

but for some reason

i scale the walls

i keep running

hope

i smile for you

for this is not your fault

i would never bring you in

further than this

you deserve a smile

until you don't

i avoid mirrors

so i don't have to see

no sunlight

this is how

i survive
...

short & sweet

this is a request:



a simple gesture

gather your strength

gather your love

gather good thoughts

about those you love

about those you care for

and those who care for you

and send it to them

you don't have to call them

or write to them

or talk about them

just take some time

and within yourself

think of them

not because life is fleeting

not because something bad has happened

or could happen tonight

or tomorrow

but because

you can.

blood.

i have a brother

a true friend

i will talk to anyone

but when it comes to my brother

i can say anything

i trust

without hesitation

never a single moment of doubt

and i know for a fact

he feels the same

i consider myself very fortunate 

we would fight 

over who would take the bullet

to save the other

i know he will read this

and know it is about him

after the very first line

i feel so strongly

about just how important this is to me

that i can write this

for all to see

with both pride and honor

i am grateful.

connect.

who will you turn to

when you are at last ready to admit

that you need help

where will you go

where your tears won't become

a hailstorm

will you claim 

that your beating was unfair

though it will not matter

right or wrong

good or bad

it never matters

and you know it

but still

you will fight

an imaginary foe

again

new wounds

next to old scars

gained on the same battlefield

on which you raised yourself 

and every adversary

shares your very face

they keep coming

endlessly

this stubborn Pavlovian experiment

you've cast on yourself

begs you to realize

it's futility

so tell me

now that you've decided

that no one can be trusted

and your full-grown ego tells you

that you are the only one

and that no one could possibly understand...

such arrogance

keeps you well hidden

your fear of being vulnerable

will always win

until you let go

and let yourself

connect
...

Stir Crazy.

static.

i don't even want the things i want tonight

so there are no answers

just dull thudding

sullen shades normally calming

are boring

and these nights never end

all i can hear

is the pulse from my temple on a pillow

it reminds me of walking through snow

as a child

the same bizarre image

as far back as i can remember

it never happened

like so many other things

countless cycles to break

before it's all over

senseless

the same conversation

i have with myself

over and over

the great debate

can never end

while i have breath

as blood and air move

no matter how still i may lay

i remain.

Let Go.

you ask me to believe

you want me to believe

dare i could i wish i could even think

that you would care

so much about

the difference between

truth and dishonesty

before i go into

before i give it

before i let it

get the best of me

you know how much it takes

it takes it takes it takes

you've seen what it does to me

you've seen it

but still and still you ask me

believe believe believe believe

and you know i want to see

you know how bad i want to hear

to see it hear it feel it

you know just how fucking badly

so before i swallow

before i take it take it take it take it

before i push it in

i hope for once in your miserable life

if you can possibly believe in me

pride

envy

ego

let go.

i was just wondering...

i was sitting alone...

i do that sometimes...

random thoughts.

disturbing thoughts i'm fighting to overcome...

then i was wondering...

do you know i'm alive?

do you know i am here?

could you be sitting alone like i am?

what are the chances...

i could be on your mind?

it's silly - i know.

but to clear my mind as best i can,

i must let my thoughts roam freely,

selfishly at times,

selflessly at times.

i could put my arms around you

and pull you into myself

and pull myself into you.

if you asked me to - i would never let go.

i would fight to my very last breath,

just to see you smile.

if i can make you smile,

my day is made

my month, my week, my year...

my life...

would gain meaning.

silly - i know... to you...

but to me,

it means everything.

i have given myself away

many times...

and i've been tossed away like garbage,

but i don't care.

when i give myself to you,

i am ready for whatever you may do.

you are free to do what you will.

i can only hope

deep in my heart

that you may embrace me...

but that is just a wish

not an obligation. 

just as you are free to cast me away

i am free to stay beside you...

for as long as i can.

where does it get you?

do you know right from wrong?

yeah, you do...

you can rationalize just about anything to make your life a little bit easier for the moment...

does it really work out?

nah, it doesn't, does it?

when you let the actions or gestures of another change the man or woman you are or want to be,

you have become controlled.

you have conformed.

you lose.

is it so tough not to let what "they" do - change you?

at times, yes, it is.

does it hurt?

yes.

but where does it get you?

nowhere.

you become what you despise.

you become less than what you are.

you sell yourself out - cheat yourself.

true strength rises above.

it's not how you fall...

it's how you stand back up that matters.

ego, ego...

set me free. set me free? do i even know what that could mean? perspective could dictate that we are, in fact, free... or that we are simply rats in a cage. freedom, some will say, comes from within. from letting go of ego. i do agree to a point... but what drives us? we all admire someone, but do we wish to emulate to gain the self respect of reaching the levels we seeks so desperately? or do we strive to express ourselves as purely as possible to reach such heights? for myself, at least, it took many hard years of suffering, discipline and most of all, a strong resolve to best conquer what i believe to be the most mysterious & confusing emotion we can feel - envy. it can manifest itself in so many peculiar ways in our minds... deep down... causing us to naturally react consciously in ways in which we do not understand, or even want to feel. joy in the suffering of others... anger & frustration in their success. in every aspect of our lives, our level of security & self-respect can allow us to release the stranglehold of envy. in my own life, i've found love, anger, happiness, sadness... even hatred to be rather simple to not only resolve within myself & understand (at least enough to express them for what they are), but also to feel these emotions more purely. but envy... that's the tough one. the psychological nightmare. it can effect every emotion, change the simplest of gestures into a spiral of self-doubt, insecurity & rage that burns like blue flame inside & chills us to the bone, rendering us cold, bitter & jaded. simple jealously aside, i believe envy runs far deeper. i don't let myself fall to jealousy anymore, but rather try to understand where silent envy may be in any way an underlying factor in my life. as i continue to try to discover it, i learn to let it go. i try to think of my daily life & where envy comes into play in my own mind, try to control it, & then see myself unfold into the man i know i can be. the man i wish to be. the man i feel i am inside. i love to talk with friends about this very topic, see not only where they stand, but see how it effects them as well. there is so much more to discover about how to... well... not control, but live with our ever changing emotions & feelings. i welcome any discussion offered. you'll find my guard down, my mind open & honesty...

thanks for reading. - t

Preparation Fails...

Always thought that I would have the strength to rise above anything

After all I’ve been through & all I’ve seen – the preparation…

But I still avoid the street where it happened – the place eludes me

I held it all in to be strong for others – I never let it out

Set myself up for a big crash

Never understood the sentiment

Though I could beat it out of my mind

But now I know – I can never forget

And that human is human after all

I am one – I am one

My blood runs colder as I approach the crime scene

And as my hands start to shake – I am lost in that moment

Trained myself for so many years – not to be bitter – not to blame

Take it out on myself in private & be done with it

But as I found myself in that room freezing from the inside out

I can see what becomes of me

Never understood the sentiment

Thought I could beat it out of myself

But now I know – I can’t forget it

And that human is human after all

And that I am one – I am one

Staring at the threshold of what I can take

Just how much it would take to break me down

I’ve learned just how far logic can take me

Before it’s simply too much to justify

I start to crack & some can see it

 And as my age starts to show

I know I can never go back

Never understood the sentiment

Though I could beat it out of my mind

But now I know – I can never forget

And that human is human after all

I am one – I am one

When I hit the wall & bricks started to fall

I tried so hard to catch them all

But when I got spent I realized

That sometimes enough becomes too much

Twenty One Years Old.

You won't miss the little things I do because you never noticed them...


You won't remember my smile because you never felt it in your heart...


The time we shared together is the time you refer to as "spent", not shared...


You will tell yourself over and over that what you did was right until you believe it...


Your memory of me will be whatever is easiest for you to deal with. That's your style...


You will end up alone and lonely...


You will always consider yourself unlucky and you convince yourself it's a fact...


You will always find an excuse to ruin a wonderful thing because you are so afraid of failure, yet you fail yourself every time...


If you tell yourself the same lie again and again, you will most likely start to believe it, thus losing your grasp on reality...


You will say that there is something wrong with you and claim that you do not know what it is just to avoid making a move...


You make decisions when you have no idea what to choose. Why do you do that?...


Your deep side frightens you so much that you never get involved in anything. In time you will completely lose touch and become totally alone and depressed and boring...


You feel that you can make it through life by living a shallow existence, yet you will always wonder why no one really cares about you...


You run away from any new challenge which you must face alone...


You turn your back on those who love you & embrace those who don't care about you because it's easier that way...


You are beautiful yet you will not accept the compliment for fear that someone will take advantage of you...


You are naive because you don't pay attention to what's really going on around you...


People use you and lie to you because they know you can blow it off...


When you act like you don't care, people will take what they can from you because they think you have no self respect...


People who want from you will tell you anything you want to hear if it gets them what they want...


You listen to people as if they see your side, but you must realize that they don't and never will...


If you don't want to change yourself, then you don't have to - to feel pain and be unhappy and confused sometimes is only human...


There are a million directions you can go and no one can stop you but you...


What's right and what's wrong are just opinions, you just have to decide which opinions matter to you...


Someone may say something to you a hundred times and it may never sink in, yet another can say something only once and it may change your life forever. Isn't it strange how one person's words can be valued so highly over another's?...


Different people understand things in different ways. You must realize this...


Your reality and my reality are different. Your views and my views are different. Just as different as any two people on Earth. If there is a problem... Solve the problem.


- a short excerpt from one of the six existing books seven I wrote between 1990 - 1994. This is from April 3, 1993. I was twenty one years old.

Getting Itchy.

You know how it feels when you want to express yourself with more than just words written, spoken... gestured? When you know that there is another way? When that want becomes an unfulfilled need? It is torture.


Every emotion... all at once... all together...


Spending more than half your life with it still in your belly, through all the adrenalin filled moments... and all the quiet, motionless ones? Having tried to give it up, hopelessly, over and over and over again...?


Through sanity, insanity... consciouncness, semi-consciouncness, unconsciouncness?? 


Still... there...


Almost as if it's waiting inside of you. Stubborn. Whispering to you in the most gentle of voices just how much of your mind and heart it will take to rip from your very soul?


My cries for liberation age me... while fueling the fire of my youth. 
Pushing. Pulling. Tension.


My own hands holding on so tightly. 
I just want to let go...