ideology pt.1

you and i

all of us

we are

the same

with all of our differences

and conflicts

our alliances

our wars

our celebrations

our work

and our rest

we share.

you will never see

what i see

but you will always

feel

what i

feel

what we

feel

our desire

our pure desire

is for the discovery

of the knowledge

that we wish

not just to find

but to understand

to realize

though we live

in an oppressive

and confusing world

inside ourselves

and outside on the streets

you

reading this

i hope

that you are

feeling

this

you will never be

alone

your fire

burns like mine

your pain

hurts like mine

even without your name

i know you

you know me

connection.

no matter

if we have spoken,

no matter

if we have shared space,

we are together.

stoke the fire inside

keep it burning

find your way

to express

who you are

what you are

never believe

that you are no one

never believe

that you are someone either

you are

that's all

we are

that's it.

we use the same words

the same numbers

regardless of the tongue

regardless of the shapes

of the characters...

always be searching

always know

that your struggle

is our struggle

we are this world

we are this soul

we are this spirit

we are together

always

...

i believe.

i believe in many things.

i believe in many people.

but my belief

is built

on hope.

i have hope

for you.

for me.

for us.

i've had experiences

that although can never be

remembered with precise accuracy

that have nonetheless given me hope.

i have friends

that keep me alive

everyday

and have kept me alive

in the past.

they give me hope.

i've been in love

and felt so loved

that i could barely believe

that it could possibly be real.

but it was.

it can happen again.

i believe.

i have hope.

things will never be

as they were.

i believe that they can be

even better.

my hope and my belief

are one and the same.

can you truly say,

and mean it, 

that nothing is shocking anymore?

how could you?

none of us could ever know.

but i refuse to be bitter.

i refuse to be jaded.

i will never give up

hope.

i believe that if we keep our eyes

our ears

our hearts

open,

we find what we believe in.

we can have pure hope.

of course,

we see a lot of heartache

and pain,

those things are

unavoidable.

but those things

cannot break my belief

down.

everything comes.

everything goes.

sometimes they leave you behind.

sometimes you go with them.

but there is always change

there always will be

change.

through your own eyes

you can either be

 dismissive

or see what's happening in there.

i won't let

that one step back

that i am forced to take

while i am constantly trying to move

forward

effect my hope.

i won't cheat myself

or you

by letting that happen.

i believe in love.

i believe in chances.

i believe that great things happen

if you truly want them to

regardless of the setbacks that occur.

my eternal hope

keeps me believing.

i hope you feel the same.

because i believe in you.

these games.

we play games.

we all do.

usually when we

want what we can't have right now

or are afraid

to simply

ask for.

so we provoke,

antagonize,

or try to bait out

certain responses

that will tell us

how much control we have.

but as in most games

typically

someone wins

and someone loses

and that makes us both

losers

and no better off

than we were.

can these games be

fun?

exciting?

interesting?

of course they can.

but...

is the winner's prize

worth it all though?

after pushing and pulling

prying and withdrawing...

what have we got?

what is left but a twisted image

created by thought-out strategies,

shortcuts

deception

and the traps set out

to misshape and mold

our "opponent" into

what we are wishing for?

false truths

that our denial lets us believe...

what do we win?

nothing.

all we've done is waste time

valuable time

lost.

so...

we can play

sometimes

but remember this:

each move that you feel

brings you closer

to an illusion of certainty

is one step further

away from me.

because

quite frankly,

i suck at games.

all these games.

no one wins.

everyone loses.

sure, i wanna know

i wanna try

but when fun-time is over

and the games end,

we never truly

get what we want.

never.

and now

i am realizing

that i am getting older

perhaps too old to be playing

these games.

and losing

has been taking it's toll

for far too long.

so, if you please,

i don't wanna play tonight,

thank you.

next.

we all look back

with tears

with smiles

and all the while

unaware

the shades

the air

the momentum

can never be

truly remembered

blurry

exaggerated 

or simplified

it's all flat

it's all 2D

we will never be there again

never.

try as we might

we live in the now

and only

here

in the now

all that we believe we know
so well

is nothing more

than an illusion

we live

mostly

through involuntary

thoughts

movements

and feelings

it's Pavlovian.

it is.

the same words

with different meanings

different tones

it's just different

always

every single time

and everything is new

regardless

of how long it has been framed

and hanging

on the walls

of our minds

the images cannot be seen the same way

ever again

how many times

can we pretend

to know

what we think we know?

we know nothing

action

reaction

and it's gone.

next

...

vacancy.

what if you're wrong?

all these thoughts

intuitions

gut instincts

that you are so sure about

these images

that have transformed

into your reality...

so often

we tend to see past

any sort of

reasonable doubt

but what can we know

beyond any reasonable doubt

in our everyday lives?

and if you always know

what will happen next

next week

next year

the next time

then you are boring

because you'll never

react

to anything

but it's all lies

lies to yourself

lies about your whole entire life

you believe you can see through me?

you can't even see the wall

you're about to walk straight into

the best part is

it doesn't matter

and still

you have something

to prove

but that something

is nothing at all

and deep down inside

you know it

you're hiding

but i can see you

and so can everyone else

it's so clear

so why do it?

trying to make sense

of the senseless?

because we believe

it gives us some control

but it doesn't

not at all

but rather

it just

tightens the blinders

as we hone our skill

of avoidance

and apathy

i ask you:

what do you want?

do you even know?

if you don't ease back

you may never know

and that makes you

even more boring still

yeah

there's always an excuse

there's always an angle

that makes you feel safe

and justified

so you react

by trying not to react

it's easier to give up

fuck up

and ditch out

do you truly believe

it scars you less?

i'm sorry

but i will never believe that

all those things you do

that you would never really do

to make your quick

and seemingly less painful

escape

to relieve yourself

of the burden

of caring

will not kill you

someday

they have killed you

already

in your mind

since you know it all

your life has been lived

it's been over

for a long time

and now 
you are just coasting on rails

what will it take

to wake you up?

what will it take

to get yourself

in motion

and see what you've got?

show me

show somebody

anybody

most of all

show yourself

that you aren't just a shell

long vacated
...

seekers.

the truth

we are seekers

of the truth

even though

at times

we don't really want to know

but we cannot stand

not to

so we push

and pull

and take it on

the endeavor

to find out

no one wants to be left out

in the dark

we search for light

we want to see

we want to know

we need to know

these questions

and doubts

they chew away

in our bellies

tearing us apart

breaking us down

for me

it's not wanting to miss out

on something

beautiful

and meaningful

i don't like to waste time

i like to spend it

and if i can know

i can act

good or bad

i want resolution

i want to keep moving

static

kills me slowly

and regardless

of how tough life can be

i want to live

i want to see

as much as i can

can i do more?

of course i can

can i explore more options than i do?

definitely

but we all have restraints

situations and responsibilities

that slow us down

put up roadblocks

and detours

in the road

we wish was open

with no limits

but that is simply

not in our reality

so

take the chances you can afford

and take them

wholeheartedly

because some of these chances

may not come again

for a long time

if at all

yes

i am afraid

i have reservations

i have doubts

"will this take me to a better place?"

"or will it take me down?"

but we will never know

unless we take

leaps of faith

i want to know

so badly

what i may or may not be capable of

and as i grow older

the days

the months

the years

they seem to pass faster

and faster

so i try

to grab on

and hold on

not only to what matters

and has mattered for so many years

but also

to what may be

to what may exist out here

for me

this enthusiasm

is not constant

like you

at times

i want to hide under the sheets

and face nothing

but that is just a day

here and there

and maybe

we need that "break"

from time to time

in this world

at this time

it is hard

to keep our PMA

up

but i feel

we must try

things change

they always do

and they always will

that

is out of our control

nothing stays the same

but we have more power

than we sometimes believe we do

i am telling you

because wherever

and whoever you are

i care

and it doesn't matter

if we've met

a thousand times

or just once

you are special

and you are no one

just like me

but your impact

has been felt

by others

regardless of how

insignificant you believe you may be

you matter

the outside world

will always effect us

but we can see through

and be who we are

please believe me

because we are the same

we are all connected

more than you or i know

remain a seeker

of the truth

the truth

that lies

inside of you

and the truth

to be found in this life

because you deserve it

and because

it will bring us together

more so

than you or i could

possibly imagine

...

choose your pain.

hatred hurts

we hate

what we cannot

comprehend

what we cannot

figure out

hatred is the cop out

to trying

to learning

to understanding

yet love...

hurts even more

because

we don't give up so easily

we want to understand

we want to know

we want to believe

does it exist?

can it exist?

day in

day out

we fight

within ourselves

struggling to

find out

all the while

the cynicism

that fills air around us

whispers...

"if it seems too good to be true,

then it must be"

but we don't want to believe that

we want to defy the odds

we want to believe

that love is real

and we want to feel it

but it is hard

to keep the walls down

and the doors open

to be vulnerable

is the more difficult path

and if it doesn't pay off

we begin the process

of hatred

i find it funny

in the saddest of ways

that the popular

most practiced belief

is the opposite

of what seems so clear

to me

living in a box

is no life i wish to lead

letting any and every

disappointment

force the walls in

even closer

until there is no room left

not even for ourselves

i turned my brick walls

into paper ones

and broke through them

a long time ago

and though tonight

i sit alone

i wouldn't trade the experiences

i've had

for anything in this world

i still believe

i know it's out there

the fact that we will all

suffer

will not change

but it is us

who decides

it is us

who have the power to choose

what we will suffer for

for me

the choice is clear

and obvious

i will suffer for love.

sometimes.

sometimes...

i wanna just let go

of all of my restraint

and do things i'll regret

even though

that isn't me

but sometimes...

i wanna do it anyway

sometimes...

i want to let everyone know

just how i feel

and i do

sometimes...

i just want to feel loved

and then i do

sometimes...

i want warm

soft

loving skin

against my own

a long

meaningful embrace

and sometimes
 i get that

sometimes...

i want to passionately

and aggressively

fuck with all my heart

and body can handle

sometimes...

i wish

to be taken from this life

in my sleep

sometimes...

i lay awake

and wonder about you

sometimes...

i simply want to run away

disappear

not exist

be erased from any memory

anyone may have of me

sometimes i feel these things

and so many others

just

like

you

...