your best kept.

your best kept secret

begs to be set free

and be known

as the mystique

grows

and small leaks

spring

right under my nose

and under your breath

do you have

something i want?

as the ransom

increases...

could this change my life?

dare i brave to ask

i wonder...

is the time right?

i want to be in your club

my skin is itching

please

share with me

whisper in my ear

this may bring us

closer

but i won't know

until i know

you can have anything

or everything

i have

before i explode

tell me

give me

what you've got

...

befallen.

i can feel your eyes

that look you have

swings an axe

i am defenseless

powerless

in your gaze

i am trained

to fall pale

as a tidal wave

of anxiety rushes over me

any confidence i have

melts off of me

my self-esteem

falls to the ground

cold sweat breaks

and i've never felt so sick

all that is hopeful

dangles in front of me

things i am capable of

become taunting reminders

of all i haven't done

you strip me bare

and freeze my bones

while torching my skin

have i spent everything?

is there anything left?

your tragic eyes

take it all away

...

climbing.

this pursuit of happiness

and freedom

we can't help but strive for

finds an enemy within

generations of fighting

endless battles

comes with a cost

we want far more

than we need

and we are so convinced

that we need it all

even at the price

of our brothers

and sisters

and it almost seems

inherent

to push off another's head

to get up to the next

and we start to rationalize

how unfair it is

and we get

desensitized

all to say

it's

mine

mine

mine

so we step on toes

until they break

and think it's fine

suppress the feeling

of right and wrong

and instead

it's

them or me

thinking that someday

someday...

i'll be king

never mind

how lonely

how shameful

how shallow

how empty

it may be

as long as i end up

on top

it will never be enough

onto the next rung

the next step

it's always on the

next one up

the next one

the next one

the next one

...

yeah yeah yeah.

the truth

yeah yeah yeah...

the truth.

the same simple word

i've used for decades

yet so much still eludes

the truth is

i am in turmoil.

and knowing that i am

lucky

to even be alive

though wonderful

doesn't solve the problems

in my head

i miss things

real things

things that breathe

things that loved me

people

animal

plus another thing

life

i have the best friend

i could ever hope to have

so many times

he has saved me
although

it's not what you may think

i am so grateful

more so than i can ever express to him

but it doesn't stop all the bleeding inside

in time

i hope it will

but time can really hurt

we know this

we have to suffer

to get

there

we get older

we realize that there are no

perfectly green pastures

over four decades

of life

i know this

but that does not mean

that complete unhappiness

is all we get

we hurt

we die slowly

but we don't always

have to feel that way

i am trying

i am reaching

i am sticking to my beliefs

i don't care who

thinks i may be

a liar

or even manipulative

i know it isn't true

it's their problem

and as much as i wish

it wasn't so

i don't have much say over that

i am guilty

just like you

because we're not perfect

and we never will be

at the same time

we are all perfect

we are perfectly who we are

we all trip and fall

and make mistakes

and we don't know what to do next

or how to deal with

how we feel

and riding it out

gets old

and really hurts

all the time

even when we realize

that this is how we have to do it

don't be afraid to cry out

don't be afraid to trust

don't be afraid to

believe

just don't

...

this is tonight.

i am overwhelmed with:

confusion

frustration

uncertainty

outright fear

and...

at the same time:

gratitude

love

friendship

outright hope...

how can that be?!?!

i am a cauldron

of emotions

that i can't understand

and it makes me feel stupid

at my age

not to be

and feel

more...

stable.

as always,

i know i am not alone

but that doesn't give me

any answers...

part of me

could really give a shit...

ya know??

this is life,

yes?

right?

but that doesn't

always help...

does it?

i know

that you know

this feeling

perhaps

to a lesser

or more

degree...

and this is exactly why

this is written

we can suffer

alone.

we can rejoice

alone.

but i want to share

why?

because it's who i am.

so...

i ask you...

do you read on?

or stop right here?

so now we all have choices...

stay

go

move

stand still

live

or die

literally

figuratively

what are you gonna do?

what am i gonna to do?

no one knows...

no one knows...

no one could ever

know.

but we can

help each other

decide

we can help each other

continue on

through this maze...

you don't owe me anything...

not a response

of any kind

not even any simple

recognition at all

you can turn your back

and this will

all continue

anyway

i just do this

i reach out

i let you in

and i don't care

i really don't

like it or not

here it is

tonight

...

mellow drama.

lying down
legs crossed
head propped up
perfectly beneath
my folded arms
the temperature
is just right
time to try to relax
clear my mind
i think of a clean
pure white room
i steady my breathing
in through my nose
out through my mouth
using even the lower lobes
of my lungs
on inhale
my belly rises
instead of just my chest
perhaps a slight hum
upon exhale
to begin to concentrate
on as little as possible
on nothing
if i can
a slight form
of meditation
it's comfortable
for a short time
and then
the walls in the room
begin to bleed colors
of all that i am trying
not to think about
all the things i miss
all the things i need
"how do i?"
"when can i?"
"where will i?"
all the thoughts that invade my mind
they creep in
i continue to try
to stay calm
i know it's possible
i've studied these things
these techniques
i just need some peace
just a little
to freshen up
my thought process
just for a while
again
i fail
my eyes open
i sit up
i grab my elbows
and lean forward
as my stomach
begins to ache
i close my eyes
and clench my teeth
hoping not to break any
my hands start to shake
i begin counting the hours
first the total
then hour by hour
all the way down to the minutes
and a wash of hopelessness
engulfs me
"i cannot live",
i tell myself...
i am too far
beneath my own doing
beneath my own life
and i begin to panic
depression
confusion
frustration
the thought of death
is the best one i can
come up with
a slight smile
then an overwhelming
guilt
because i am aware
of just how ridiculous
and pathetic
that thought is
i search
feverishly
for some solace
and at these moments
i find none
and even though i know
that i am far from alone
it brings me no comfort
right now
this is me
this is my life
my here
my now
i cannot think
of the others
sitting in the same position
as i am in right now
because they too
are in pain
like me
i search for a poison
to wash this far too sober feeling away
it never works
not for long
no answers
no coherent questions
just one word
just one wish
escape
...

forever yours.

i think about you

every single day

you've been in my blood

you've been in my heart

and in and through my brain

having to fight

the mere thought of you

takes a piece of me

all day

all night

even in my dreams

you appear

i struggle for you

i fight for you

i fight you

it's been harder than

i ever imagined

to keep you away

and not seek you out

i purse my lips

i close my eyes

i clench up inside

wait for the times

to change

for the moments to pass

i know

you'll be in my head again

and again

it doesn't

and never did matter

whether or not

i want you there

or not

i am your slave

even when you aren't with me

you haven't been near me

or even
in my grasp

for so long

but still

you seem so real

in my dreams

in my thoughts

you are ingrained in me

and it makes me feel

like i've already died

like i've already used

you

even just the thought of
you

to kill myself

over and over again

i have this feeling

that it will never stop

never cease

it's haunting

and i am to blame

because i fell in love with you

and letting go

of true love

seems impossible

can it even happen?

can it?

i don't want to know

i need to know

can i get you
out of my mind

out of my life

forever?

or not?

....

out cold out in the cold.

what do i know?

i've lost all consciousness

long ago

and many

many times...

who's to say

that i could even think straight?

for a day...

or at all for that matter

my reality

seems so unreal at times

that i cannot even

maintain belief

of whether

am i

that good

descent

caring man

that i believe i am.

am i?

or am i completely insane...

and completely wrong?

when some

who have claimed love

burn my guts out

with their eyes...

their words...

when i cannot figure

why

what does that mean?

is it more

than a mistake i made?

not knowing what i've done

tears me apart

and even then

i am still left with no answers

only a question...

am i a good man

or a bad man?

...

changes are always coming.

changes

changes we make

changes we take

changes caused by

choices

situations
others
just come

some results

feel like

colossal

mistakes

some

are as perfect

as we can perceive them

we all know

how this feels

success

and failure

immunity does not exist

not in this

not in anything

so don't waste your time

trying to elude

these things

these inevitable
events

don't run

don't hide

don't evade

the truth

the one thing

that will never change

is that things will

always change

regardless

of whether you

made these changes

or not...

so you do have choices

you can

fight them

or roll with them

accept or deny

that is a choice you do have

either way

it's bigger than we are

you can be crippled

or propelled

you decide

...

loss of control.

the effects people have

on each other

their faces and their movements

and the way they make each of us

feel

some will say

it's all you

it's in your head

it's based on your level

of insecurity

envy

even admiration

but it's not all you

or me

within the confines of the spaces

we find ourselves in

sometimes with those of our choosing

sometimes not

there is more communication going on

then could ever be spoken

monologues and dialogues

inside and outside

within ourselves

and with others

the faces you see

and the faces i see

are not the same

each is an image

based both on our own

interpretations

and the scenarios

that transpire.

at times

during these relationships,

it hurts

it causes stress

and frustration

and confusion

and we want answers

we want to understand

because our logical mind

is telling us

that this means so little

it tells you to be

you

just you

stronger

and the more we try

the harder it gets

no one wants to feel

like anyone else has control

over their thoughts

or feelings

or

in some cases,

even their lives

fear and desperation

turmoil and chaos

caused by another

just another one

sometimes

the best choice

is to simply

leave the room

and not return

...