pre-mortem.

as thoughts

become actions

they can also become

dangerous

sometimes

it's not what we do

it's what we don't

that haunts us

needles and smoke

knives and bullets

even love

keep your eyes

open

be careful when you blink

right now

we are all here

and some things

require a second

thought

we all know

that the truth

can hurt

and as tragedy

seems less shocking

and we are more surprised

by a smile

we need to keep on

smiling

we need to set

the tone

we need to keep it

together

we can not let

the story of our lives

become

the story of

our death

...

self defeat.

this broken

humanity

is cold and hard

like concrete

the bricks fall

like rain

crushing the love

out of me

wounds on wounds

as my body

fights back

begging for it

to stop

just makes it

worse

your smile

hits me like

a hammer

it's never

enough

you'll tell me
that i

deserved it

just as they

told you

it's not fair

it's never

fair

everything breaks

like shattering glass

as i grow

weaker

i gave you this

i cast the stones

it was me

...

complex.

staring at my enemy

in the mirror

i've avoided you

for so long

thanking the tears

for blurring my image

and trying to

protect me

from the shame

and all

that apologies

cannot fix

this uneasy feeling

i get at dusk

as the landscape changes

without me

my veins are tired

from all the bad blood

that passes through them

all that i could have

and should have done

and the chances

i will never have again

like footprints in sand

they are washed away

and it doesn't matter

i honestly never wanted more

than to be happy

and as i stripped away

the means

i learned the truth

and that

it just doesn't work

that way

when you smile

it makes me smile

but it is fleeting

and again

i find myself

lost in the desert

alone

knowing

it doesn't have to be

this way

it

just

is

...

wraithlike.

i'm walking 

through walls

and trees

and through lives

and no one

is noticing

and it seems like

i've been at it

forever

must have traveled

1000s of miles

but no

i haven't gone

anywhere

just one big

circle

and i'm here

again

thinking in

patterns

trying not to

speaking in

fragments

just  as i

am living

bursts of colors

and sounds

and as they

go straight though

i am left behind

never dreamed

it could get

any lonelier

but then again

how could i ever

who would ever

want to

follow or join me

and could they

if they tried

am i a ghost

or a

shadow

or neither

no one should

notice

and no one

should care

because

i'm not here

i never was

so

there is nothing

to forget

...

sick days.

it's not

what you said

it's what you

didn't

now i sit here

alone

in silence

darkness

but i hear things

this constant conversation

with myself

i'm talking to you

and you know

exactly

what i'm saying

but you never answer

through all the pain

and all of the

sick days

together

that should have made us

stronger

instead

made us

weak

i was lucky

to be with you

because

i loved you

because

i love you

and so

the dialog

never ends

sometimes

i truly feel

like you can hear me

and sometimes

i know

you're thinking

about me

but still

you don't reply

i try

to convince myself

that your hatred

is just your fear

keeping you from me

i can't believe

that it's over

forever

i won't

if you stretch out

your arms

if you smile

if you reach out to me

i will be there

and if you ask me

i will never

let go

...

tears of a ghost.

i am trying to

forget

your voice

your smile

your scent

but nothing's working

and even though

i am dying inside

it's not because

i don't love you

it's because i know

that you have forgotten

about me

i haven't heard from you

and i am in

denial

but it's clear

and so

so obvious

that it isn't because

you're too busy

or that you are shy

it's because

you don't want

to talk to me

you don't want

anything to do

with me

and though it makes

perfect sense

i am not ready

to believe it

i am a fool

as i always was

and will always be

when it comes to you

and missing you

has become

a way of life

for me

and it still hurts

as much as ever

but it's ok

because even though

i could die with a smile

if it were in your arms

not hearing the truth

from your lips

keeps this love

real

and rather than fall

into the silent

darkness

of a true

final moment

i'd prefer to stay

in my fantasy of you

because at least there

i can hold you

in my arms

again

...

hide and seek.

nightmares

endless nights

all in my head

but it feels so real

i can tell myself

over and over

that it is not

it never helps

i am thrown

into darkness

and i can't find my way out

i cannot see

it's as if my eyes

are sown shut

who did this to me?

i did

it was me all along

i am running for my life

i turn a corner

and try to hide

but i am always found

there is never enough time

because i am chasing myself

like it's my shadow

catching up with me

there is no one else

the streets are empty

and i have never seen this city before

i am lost

but i keep running

somehow thinking

i can get away

but i'm never fast enough

no time to get tired

cannot give up

i run and run

hoping i won't get caught

before i wake up

...

the ugly ones.

we cry alone.

so no one sees.

we hope no one knows.

but we do.

we know.

it's our hope

that hurts so much.

it's our dreams

that we didn't choose

that burn us

and crack our hearts open

and shatter us on the floor.

we know each other.

the thread is sown

through all of us.

we are

the marked

and the broken.

someday...

someday

we will find love.

someday

we will feel safe.

someday

we will live.

we believe

through it all

that our time

will come.

we smile

from our hearts

and we feel it

in our souls.

someday

we

the ugly ones

will live

in a world

meant for us.

in a world

that loves us.

in a world

that cares.

in a world

where we can be

just who we are.

...

element.

outside the gates

where it is dark

and cold

and damp

is where we stand

there is no shelter

and it is dirty

this is where we belong

with broken nails

and broken teeth

holes in our clothes

and empty bellies

here

every breath is real

we stand

back to back

to protect

what little we have

we work hard

for every penny

and everything costs

more than we've got

we're slipping

but we're not

giving up

we've survived this long

with only hope

of one more day

and as each comes

we turn more

grey

but we smile

and we laugh

and it means

everything

because at least

it's for real

...

packed and waiting.

paint me a picture

here
in black and white
tell me of all the things

you feel

of all those things

that make you

smile

and

cry

i am here

and i am asking

please

don't be shy

don't be

afraid

don't make me have to

read between

the lines

although

i'm sure i will

anyway

because i will

always

want to know more

forget the past

you are already inside

me

and i

am already inside

you

tell me about

now

tell me about what

you want

tell me about what

you need

these minutes

these days

these years

seem so long

when we are apart

but

we don't have

forever

and tomorrow

may be one day

too late

i'll wait

and even if i die here

it will be because

i love you

...