wraithlike.

i'm walking 

through walls

and trees

and through lives

and no one

is noticing

and it seems like

i've been at it

forever

must have traveled

1000s of miles

but no

i haven't gone

anywhere

just one big

circle

and i'm here

again

thinking in

patterns

trying not to

speaking in

fragments

just  as i

am living

bursts of colors

and sounds

and as they

go straight though

i am left behind

never dreamed

it could get

any lonelier

but then again

how could i ever

who would ever

want to

follow or join me

and could they

if they tried

am i a ghost

or a

shadow

or neither

no one should

notice

and no one

should care

because

i'm not here

i never was

so

there is nothing

to forget

...

sick days.

it's not

what you said

it's what you

didn't

now i sit here

alone

in silent

darkness

but i hear things

this constant conversation

with myself

i'm talking to you

and you know

exactly

what i'm saying

but you never answer

through all the pain

and all of the

sick days

together

that should have made us

stronger

instead

made us

weak

i was lucky

to be with you

because

i loved you

because

i love you

and so

the dialog

never ends

sometimes

i truly feel

like you can hear me

and sometimes

i know

you're thinking

about me

but still

you don't reply

i try

to convince myself

that your hatred

is just your fear

keeping you from me

i can't believe

that it's over

forever

i won't

if you stretch out

your arms

if you smile

if you reach out to me

i will be there

and if you ask me

i will never

let go

...

tears of a ghost.

i am trying to

forget

your voice

your smile

your scent

but nothing's working

and even though

i am dying inside

it's not because

i don't love you

it's because i know

that you have forgotten

about me

i haven't heard from you

and i am in

denial

but it's clear

and so

so obvious

that it isn't because

you're too busy

or that you are shy

it's because

you don't want

to talk to me

you don't want

anything to do

with me

and though it makes

perfect sense

i am not ready

to believe it

i am a fool

as i always was

and will always be

when it comes to you

and missing you

has become

a way of life

for me

and it still hurts

as much as ever

but it's ok

because even though

i could die with a smile

if it were in your arms

not hearing the truth

from your lips

keeps this love

real

and rather than fall

into the silent

darkness

of a true

final moment

i'd prefer to stay

in my fantasy of you

because at least there

i can hold you

in my arms

again

...

hide and seek.

nightmares

endless nights

all in my head

but it feels so real

i can tell myself

over and over

that it is not

it never helps

i am thrown

into darkness

and i can't find my way out

i cannot see

it's as if my eyes

are sown shut

who did this to me?

i did

it was me all along

i am running for my life

i turn a corner

and try to hide

but i am always found

there is never enough time

because i am chasing myself

like it's my shadow

catching up with me

there is no one else

the streets are empty

and i have never seen this city before

i am lost

but i keep running

somehow thinking

i can get away

but i'm never fast enough

no time to get tired

cannot give up

i run and run

hoping i won't get caught

before i wake up

...

the ugly ones.

we cry alone.

so no one sees.

we hope no one knows.

but we do.

we know.

it's our hope

that hurts so much.

it's our dreams

that we didn't choose

that burn us

and crack our hearts open

and shatter us on the floor.

we know each other.

the thread is sown

through all of us.

we are

the marked

and the broken.

someday...

someday

we will find love.

someday

we will feel safe.

someday

we will live.

we believe

through it all

that our time

will come.

we smile

from our hearts

and we feel it

in our souls.

someday

we

the ugly ones

will live

in a world

meant for us.

in a world

that loves us.

in a world

that cares.

in a world

where we can be

just who we are.

...

element.

outside the gates

where it is dark

and cold

and damp

is where we stand

there is no shelter

and it is dirty

this is where we belong

with broken nails

and broken teeth

holes in our clothes

and empty bellies

here

every breath is real

we stand

back to back

to protect

what little we have

we work hard

for every penny

and everything costs

more than we've got

we're slipping

but we're not

giving up

we've survived this long

with only hope

of one more day

and as each comes

we turn more

grey

but we smile

and we laugh

and it means

everything

because at least

it's for real

...

packed and waiting.

paint me a picture

here
in black and white
tell me of all the things

you feel

of all those things

that make you

smile

and

cry

i am here

and i am asking

please

don't be shy

don't be

afraid

don't make me have to

read between

the lines

although

i'm sure i will

anyway

because i will

always

want to know more

forget the past

you are already inside

me

and i

am already inside

you

tell me about

now

tell me about what

you want

tell me about what

you need

these minutes

these days

these years

seem so long

when we are apart

but

we don't have

forever

and tomorrow

may be one day

too late

i'll wait

and even if i die here

it will be because

i love you

...

molecular.

thinking about how

i'm thinking too much

the reverb knob

in my mind

is turned all the way up

and days don't pass

the same

finding answers

and getting results

may not help at all

sometimes

there is no closure

no one is innocent

there are no victims

just a large puzzle

this piece has sharp edges

if it doesn't fit

it will cut you

but we must try

anyway

it doesn't always work out

it cannot

but

it does not

matter

our rights and wrongs

are neither

our dos and don'ts

will always change

and we are

no better or worse off

we just are

what we are

speaking in rhetoric

and living through it

delusions and

illusions

playing parts

based on

memories

with no mirrors in sight

we are all the same

because

we are all

so different

we multiply

and divide

we give

and we take

we are born

guilty

all of us

so we run

until there is nothing left

we run

until we collapse

for the last time

...

spill.

gravity

shows no favorites

it is harsh

and absolutely

fair

it wants to slam me

to the ground

my body

is like a bottle

filled with

water

and at times

poison

i have

fallen

i have been

dropped

leaks

have sprung

and been patched

my blood

pulled down

into the earth

it doesn't matter

which fluid it is

it will flow

beneath

i have slept

on the floor

in the past

as i do now

looking only

up

nowhere to fall

i cannot be pushed

any further

not tonight

how i feel

and

what i think

do not matter

this force

cannot be defied

not here

someday

gravity will win

someday

we will all

spill

...

greying.

colors are dripping

fading

falling away

as it is

and

as i am

greying

less distracting

this desert

is endless

and it's only color

is no color at all

helping me focus

stripped away

simple and clean

of black

and white

and neither

and both

only shades

revealing themselves

and i can see

more than before

more than ever

it's turned out

and i am

bleeding

grey

feeling

grey

living

grey

it seems so clear

it seems so real

tell me the truth

is this just
a dream?

...

evening drama.

as the sun sets

we find depth

in shallow things

and our thoughts

create metaphors

trying to sum up

our lives

in synonymous

verses

it's like writing

our own

personal

horoscope

sometimes

optimistic

other times

horrific

and we try

to believe

or deny

ignoring

pros

and

cons

just to make it fit

searching for answers

in opposites

shock the system

go against the grain

and see what

happens

the tide turns

and the sun

will rise

and set

again

tomorrow

...

fluid.

tear it apart

rip it to shreds

down to ribbons

with jagged edges

and splinters everywhere

use your hands

your teeth

your feet

use fire

use knives

swing hammers

and throw stones

use words

and sounds

use your heart

and in your name

destroy

last night's

dream

peel the walls

see new colors

and shapes

taste blood

in your mouth

your blood

our blood

when you open your eyes

don't hesitate

yesterday

and tomorrow

don't exist

yesterday

and tomorrow

are lies

ghosts

without faces

lifeless

meaningless

today is the only day

and it always is

it won't go away

wake up

the lights are on

...

shells.

from the suburbs

to the cities

the air is

thicker

and smells like

smoke

loud cracks

and pops

and so much more

often

turning the skies

more grey

flashes of light

like a violent

storm

we wish for the children

to collect beautiful

memories

jars with

fireflies

and seashells

but it seems

they will collect

instead

shells of a different kind

and rather than compare

colors

and shapes

they will compare

calibers

and their childlike wonder

will question

where did they

come from

and where did all

those bullets

go

...

gravity.

i saw you again

last night

in a dream

you were just

as beautiful

as you ever were

and i

was just

as ugly

i heard your voice

i could smell you

and i could swear

i saw colors

i don't know where

or when

it was

the only familiar

feeling

was that we were in

the same room

the only thing

that seemed real

was you

but i know better

i told you

that i love you

you tried

but you could not

say it to me

the same 

desperate feeling

i have

all the time

wanting you

needing you

knowing that

i cannot

and never will

have you

again

we never touched

not even one kiss

you smiled

i cried

and as i woke up

alone

all that was real

were the tears

rolling from my eyes

and off of

my chin

...

in real time.

someday

the clock will stop

for you and i

and there will be

no more time

we don't

and won't

see it coming

what kind of memories

are we making?

are they

what we want?

we have more to give

than we know

and as we think

of better days

to come

or gone by

we see past

today

right now

to love

is to spend

to hate

is to waste

what are we waiting for?

what will change

tomorrow?

what happened

yesterday

is gone

so

let it be

forgotten

if you have it

if you feel it

then give it

don't be afraid

don't let your words

go unsaid

don't let your love

go unfelt

unshared

our fear

will turn us

to dust

but right now

in this very moment

we live

forever

...