seekers.

the truth

we are seekers

of the truth

even though

at times

we don't really want to know

but we cannot stand

not to

so we push

and pull

and take it on

the endeavor

to find out

no one wants to be left out

in the dark

we search for light

we want to see

we want to know

we need to know

these questions

and doubts

they chew away

in our bellies

tearing us apart

breaking us down

for me

it's not wanting to miss out

on something

beautiful

and meaningful

i don't like to waste time

i like to spend it

and if i can know

i can act

good or bad

i want resolution

i want to keep moving

static

kills me slowly

and regardless

of how tough life can be

i want to live

i want to see

as much as i can

can i do more?

of course i can

can i explore more options than i do?

definitely

but we all have restraints

situations and responsibilities

that slow us down

put up roadblocks

and detours

in the road

we wish was open

with no limits

but that is simply

not in our reality

so

take the chances you can afford

and take them

wholeheartedly

because some of these chances

may not come again

for a long time

if at all

yes

i am afraid

i have reservations

i have doubts

"will this take me to a better place?"

"or will it take me down?"

but we will never know

unless we take

leaps of faith

i want to know

so badly

what i may or may not be capable of

and as i grow older

the days

the months

the years

they seem to pass faster

and faster

so i try

to grab on

and hold on

not only to what matters

and has mattered for so many years

but also

to what may be

to what may exist out here

for me

this enthusiasm

is not constant

like you

at times

i want to hide under the sheets

and face nothing

but that is just a day

here and there

and maybe

we need that "break"

from time to time

in this world

at this time

it is hard

to keep our PMA

up

but i feel

we must try

things change

they always do

and they always will

that

is out of our control

nothing stays the same

but we have more power

than we sometimes believe we do

i am telling you

because wherever

and whoever you are

i care

and it doesn't matter

if we've met

a thousand times

or just once

you are special

and you are no one

just like me

but your impact

has been felt

by others

regardless of how

insignificant you believe you may be

you matter

the outside world

will always effect us

but we can see through

and be who we are

please believe me

because we are the same

we are all connected

more than you or i know

remain a seeker

of the truth

the truth

that lies

inside of you

and the truth

to be found in this life

because you deserve it

and because

it will bring us together

more so

than you or i could

possibly imagine

...

choose your pain.

hatred hurts

we hate

what we cannot

comprehend

what we cannot

figure out

hatred is the cop out

to trying

to learning

to understanding

yet love...

hurts even more

because

we don't give up so easily

we want to understand

we want to know

we want to believe

does it exist?

can it exist?

day in

day out

we fight

within ourselves

struggling to

find out

all the while

the cynicism

that fills air around us

whispers...

"if it seems too good to be true,

then it must be"

but we don't want to believe that

we want to defy the odds

we want to believe

that love is real

and we want to feel it

but it is hard

to keep the walls down

and the doors open

to be vulnerable

is the more difficult path

and if it doesn't pay off

we begin the process

of hatred

i find it funny

in the saddest of ways

that the popular

most practiced belief

is the opposite

of what seems so clear

to me

living in a box

is no life i wish to lead

letting any and every

disappointment

force the walls in

even closer

until there is no room left

not even for ourselves

i turned my brick walls

into paper ones

and broke through them

a long time ago

and though tonight

i sit alone

i wouldn't trade the experiences

i've had

for anything in this world

i still believe

i know it's out there

the fact that we will all

suffer

will not change

but it is us

who decides

it is us

who have the power to choose

what we will suffer for

for me

the choice is clear

and obvious

i will suffer for love.

sometimes.

sometimes...

i wanna just let go

of all of my restraint

and do things i'll regret

even though

that isn't me

but sometimes...

i wanna do it anyway

sometimes...

i want to let everyone know

just how i feel

and i do

sometimes...

i just want to feel loved

and then i do

sometimes...

i want warm

soft

loving skin

against my own

a long

meaningful embrace

and sometimes
 i get that

sometimes...

i want to passionately

and aggressively

fuck with all my heart

and body can handle

sometimes...

i wish

to be taken from this life

in my sleep

sometimes...

i lay awake

and wonder about you

sometimes...

i simply want to run away

disappear

not exist

be erased from any memory

anyone may have of me

sometimes i feel these things

and so many others

just

like

you

...

decisions.

decisions

we take them

we make them

whether we want to

or not

we have to deal with them

and the politics

these crooked beliefs

that someone debated

to somehow make sense

to someone

sometimes to you

sometimes to me

lean the scales

of our decisions

just how much time

do you or i have

to make the right decisions

?

sometimes you must act

without thought

even when your heart

is in the right place

the involvement of others

effect the outcomes

of our choices

most of us

aren't instinctually out

to hurt another

but it happens

doesn't it?

we make choices

that we dread

having to live with

but we make them nonetheless

no choice

no time

no other options

so...

sometimes we prevail

sometimes we slip

and take a nasty fall

we can only prepare so much

for what we think

we may have to encounter

and it stings

and we want to go back

and react differently

but we cannot

is it too late

damage insues

we break things

we never wanted to break

and then

they are gone forever

most of the time

these "cat-like" reflexes

we wish to possess

we never will

you will screw up

so will i

it happens to everyone

everyday

all the time

without reason

without warning

without any control

we can practice

we can attempt

to have forsight

it helps

but it is no failsafe

this is not meant to

be negative

or positive

it is merely

an observation

focused

within myself

over many many years

i believe

the very best way

to deal with it

is to come to terms with it

you will never be perfect

not to anyone else

not in your own mind

not in this lifetime

realize this

and it helps you let go

helps you

not think so damn much

about everything

then

maybe we can

make our daily decisions

with clearer thought

and maybe

just maybe

we can stay upright

just a little more often

...

feel.

as lonely as you feel

please

try to know

you are not alone

not ever

this feeling

of dead end road

of isolation

could never be

just for you

it hurts

yes

it is supposed to hurt

if it didn't

how much

would love mean?

to anyone?

this pain

among so many pains

balances out

our entire lives

you will never see again

any of the sights you've seen

the sounds you've heard

the times you've had

it will never be the same again

because those things are gone

forever

the shades

the rooms

the time and the date

will always be different

always

but...

you will

feel again

as you live

and breathe

you will feel

you may never think

that anything could change

but you couldn't stop it

as hard as you may ever try

how you live

how you hurt

how you love

how and who you are

now

and from each moment on

is guided by

feeling

all of your comforts

and ills

will be felt

that is how you will recognize

that is how you will decide

where to go

who you know

every little aspect

of all that you do

is based on how you feel

and though at times

you don't have much

control

you have so much more

than you could possibly

imagine

i hope you feel better

so

please

try

...

the endless belief.

i have held my breath

i have bitten my tongue

somehow

hope

this endless

and stubborn

hope

has kept me alive

more than a dream

to someday come true

more than just a goal to reach

or fight for

this fire

is who i am

beyond consuming

it exudes from my every pore

it can never change

i cannot release

this

to say i would give my life

may sound like a graven

sacrificial end

but no

to give my life

in this case

means

giving all i can give

to live

to love

to share

smile

laugh

create

and experience

any and every

possibility

that may avail itself

and in this giving

i too want to live

where trust feels natural

because it exists

where love feels warm

because it is real

and doubt

is nothing more

than a memory

a myth

why believe?

why hope?

as useless as it feels

at times

i have no choice

i cannot give up

i cannot forget

if it can happen

and i do believe

it can happen

i want to see it

i want to live it

it can't just be a thought

it can't just be an idea

it's out here somewhere

my eyes

my ears

my arms

my heart

are all

open

...

pulled muscle.

"did someone hurt you?"

of course...

to ask that of anyone

is most often

an attempt

to figure out why

they are acting as they do

to find reason

to somehow

validate

the obvious

fear

pain

indifference

apathy

they so often display
the heart

is a muscle

and at some point

it will hold too much weight

fatigue

sprain

get ripped

and burn

like any other muscle

but to ask why

will never provide

the answers you seek

never

we get broken

we experience failure

it all gives in

but it's no excuse

true

we will try

to avoid it

to prevent it

just as we keep our fingers

away from flames

because it hurts

because it hurts so badly

that we cannot forget

or forgive

and then

of our own doing

the pain lingers on

and we regress

we cut off

and shut down

and out

but that never really works

does it?

so now

the blinders are on

and the mask is firmly in place

and we are not ourselves

from these points on

until we aren't even sure

who we are

or what we truly want

anymore

can't live like that

i can't

i won't

what i will do

is ask:

"did someone love you?"

well hello again.

you

yes, you

i can see you

i can feel you

here

you are always here

no matter

where we stand

no matter

where we lay our heads down

you may have doubts

but you know the truth

you know who i am

and how i feel

that has never changed

you know it

you believe

i know you do

and you know

so much

so much more

than you want to think about

you know that i meant

every word

you know that i would always

be there

and that i would stay close

for as long as i breathe

and not because

of a promise

or because it is right

but for the simple reason

that i would want to

if we were truly free

i wonder...

if all the doors

blew off

and all the walls

crumbled

and there was nothing left

in the way

what would happen?

i can only speak for myself

and i will do just that

because i always want you to know

and you know that

and if it's worth anything at all

this warms my heart

to think of

to feel this way

so

even tonight

even without knowing

where your mind

or heart

truly is

thank you

burning and learning.

if i could know

just where you come from

would it help me see

where you're going?

and here

now

face to face

i can feel the judgement in your eyes

as if you know

where i am from

or better

where i am

peering through these windows

i can't help but see

envy

for no reason

as i have nothing

of any use to you

yet i see you burning

before me

forgive me

for this comes as no surprise

nor is it difficult

to recognize

wouldn't mind learning

where

why

how

we ended up

here

in this space

with this tension

warping and twisting

the air around us

like alchemists

shaping and creating

myth and lore

as i am truthful

i must say

i have no judgement

nor contempt

ripping and slicing

through this thick air

i feel nothing

and as i watch you
approaching

this boiling point

i find it plainly

interesting

and although

i may not actually be

learning anything

doesn't matter

because it is not me

who is appearing

to be attempting

to make a point

and as you grow

more and more red

i will

very simply

be.

suffer the living pt.2

this feeling is
consuming me

these thoughts are
overwhelming me

i'm going through it

another episode

even if i wore armor

it wouldn't be enough

as if it's inhaled

and there is
no escape

reading to find remedies

or writing out for therapy

it must run it's course

so

again

i fall

just as we all do

and i don't want to face it

any more than you do

self doubt

and confusion

frustration

and illusion

nothing's happening

but still

it's engulfing

the harder i fight

the more it burns

so i let go

no matter how i choose

to approach it

it pains me
nonetheless

did nothing to deserve it

did nothing to provoke it
or so i thought

but that never made
 any difference

and it never will

it isn't good
or bad

it's both

and it's neither

at the same time

no action

no reaction

just the current
of time and thought

and the way things go

throughout time

can only get used to so much

but it mutates to survive

and have it's effect

if there is a reason

it's unknown

at least to me

all i can do

is recognize it's presence

and deal with it

how i choose

and although
this time
i have chosen

not to put up a fight

it still finds it's way

to seep into me

knowing the futility

of fighting this infection

changes very little

so

i am forced

to ride out the storm

and if it should

if something should

take my breath

that may be the only way

not to see

and feel it through

until it isn't anymore

this fact is faced

so suffer i will

with nothing more

than the solace of knowing

that sooner or later

this too
shall pass
...