missing.

simple words

triggers

a feeling

washing over

but it's nothing like water

something is wrong

very wrong

and this feeling

could it be a warning?

or a sign

that things simply

aren't fitting into place

as they could be?

as they should be?

so much that is needed

and so painfully wanted

is missing

while so much useless garbage

is everywhere in this place

not just another rambling

about how unfair

how disturbing

life has become

but in it's way

a deep

desperate scream

for help

for change

change that seems

and feels

hopeless

and just out of control

hands cannot grasp

these things

minds cannot change them

either

it won't go away

it just won't go away

until it just

does

-

come to me

i need you

sweet sanity.

faithful and true

i beg of this life

to give me
yet another

chance

to find a way

to hold on

to move on

to get out

to get up

and take me

to wherever it may be

where my
heres
and
nows

make sense

and i can live

this static is too loud

and i am missing everything

because with the sound of static

comes the vision of white noise

the scent of burning wires

and the feeling of not belonging

inside my own skin

out there

somewhere

lies

my opportunity

to find my destiny

i must

find

you

before

it's

too

late

...

threads.

our lives hang by threads

threads of all kinds

and they snap.

some of us fall

into the abyss

never to return

never to be seen

or heard

again

our lifeless bodies

sometimes viewed

shortly,

then gone.

some threads are like

miracles...

how they hold us up

for so long

is unbelievable

but eventually...

we drop down to lower levels

then resume climbing our way

back up another.

trying to hang on

it's hard

we all know

when we want to

smile

and laugh

but we cannot

because our knuckles

are white

from gripping

so tightly

cannot smile

through some pain

so what do we do?

where do we go?

is this what we live for?

why?

is it hope?

love?

a dream of happiness

that we can never be sure of?

how can we even think about

what we want

sometimes?

what we need?

when it's so hard

to even move?

ups and downs

all the while

hanging

grasping to hold on

for our very lives

to a single thread.

mirrors and reflections.

i don't like to look

in the mirror

trying to see who i am

what i have become

i'll begin to speak

try to imagine how you might see me

wondering what you might assume

in my face

in my expressions

and how misunderstood

they may come across

or do you see something?

something i can't even relate to

or understand?

i can never figure out

how the mere image

and all that's going on inside

could possibly coincide

different reactions

do i have the same face?

do i even know how to smile

the way i want to smile at you?

i can't grasp it

and i am ugly

and i feel like i know it

all too well

i see a stranger

and even stranger

i've known this stranger

my entire life

yet...

i can't get around these things

do any of us look

how we feel?

does your image

make sense?

again...

i can't figure it out

i never could

i wonder if i ever will

or does it mean anything at all?

these reflections

they don't seem to match up to me.

and this mystique,

it preys on my sanity at times

because i realize

that you see me

the same me

that i avoid looking at.

in fact...

you see this image

even more often than i do

what do you see?

i realize

that when i look at you

i too see simply an image

and that you too

may not feel as you look

and it's all a bit too much

so i try not to equate the two

our eyes deceive us

not only by what we see

but the way our own eyes

are seen

so as i stay away from these

literal visual self reflections

i believe it keeps me more...

real?

if i don't know what i look like

i will not alter the way i express myself

into an untrue image

just to try to look better

or different

i want to be who i am.

i want you to see me as i am.

as purely as possible.

and this is why

i don't look at mirrors

anymore than

i have to.

threshold of capabilities.

limits and boundaries

set within our

conscious

and unconscious minds

what can i do?

vs

what have i done?

each experience

creates new capabilities

good and bad

helpful and harmful

new... skills

for lack of better terms

regardless of outcomes

be it pain

or joy

thinking about doing something

and seeing it through

are, of course,

very different

once we have taken something

that is not ours to take...

once we have stolen

we now have the ability

to steal

once we have cheated

we now have the skill

to cheat

once we have performed

before a group of people

we now are able to do it

no matter how hard it was

or what the result was

we have crossed

a threshold of capabilities

and our skillset is ever-growing

from the smallest of achievements

to the most undesirable of actions

until we are cut down

steal bread with your right hand,

get caught,

and have your right hand chopped off...

obviously...

you will never steal bread

with your right hand again

but the ability to use your left

remains

lesson learned

or not

it is now in your arsenal

because it isn't about thinking

it's about feeling

fear

accomplishment

self-loathing

or the building of

self confidence

growth.

some would never do

what i've done

what you've done

but everyone

will do

what they will do

it's the same

regardless

of the threshold to cross

and the cross to bare

that comes along with it,

you and i will cross them.

in this way,

amongst so many others,

we are all the same.

all of us.

control is limited

because one thing

that will never change

is that things

and life

will always change

and even if we were

to stand completely still

our entire lives

we will cross thresholds

gain capabilities

there is no stopping it

refuse it or embrace it

doesn't matter...

except in one way:

either

we will be

miserable

more often than

happy

or the other way around...

the question is

and always is:

what will we do

with these abilities

that we will acquire

whether we wish to

or not?

and although this would take

lifetimes to answer

as we live

in this here

and this now

it is shaping

the man

or woman

we aspire to be.

in this,

we do have choices

i try to choose as wisely as i can

but if i think too much

i will not live as much

by making decisions

about who i am

about who i wish to be

and living by them

it seems to help me
more often than not

keep my skills

my abilities

more within my grasp

as we constantly

and consistently

cross these

thresholds of capabilities.

rise and fall.

the nature of things

this ever-changing set

of do's and don'ts

the haves and have nots 

yours and mine

the rights and wrongs

the goods and bads

what causes one to respect one

and not another?

if i treat you the same

where does your judgement come from

when compared to another's?

is it me?

is it you?

or is it...

when and how

and why

you and i act

when pushed

when embraced

when afraid

when brave

how much is real

how much is decided

i drop my arms

i drop my head

the spinning comes and goes

i think too much

then... not enough

who can remain

conscious?

always?

as we drift in and out

of our bliss

and our shattering realities

i owe you nothing

you owe me nothing

but a common respect

that has become more uncommon

than i ever hoped it would

i've always believed

that you can get what you give

even though

things are not always fair

i've always believed

in trying

to do what i think is right

i know i am not alone

not only in this belief

but in knowing

that i fail

i break down

i fall like a porcelain figurine

and shatter into a million pieces

could i be completely wrong?

sometimes...

i know i am

as i am swept up

and glued back together

never to be the same again

the only thing pure

is this impurity

and i am guilty

and innocent

all at once

everyday

at this very moment

we get back up

until we cannot

any longer.

sometimes

we never get the chance

to say goodbye

to say we're sorry.

what we mean to do

and what happens

is always different

because the future is so unknown

whether it's next year

next week

tomorrow

five minutes from now

or even the next word

you read

thunderstorms and droughts

we walk through deserts

and rain forests

facing perils

and opportunities

evil and love

and everything in between

yet we continue

to step

because it's all we know.

all of the common sense

you may have

all of the experience

you have accumulated

means nothing

as you and i face

tomorrow

the strongest will fall

the weakest will rise

all of us

no exceptions

what we want

changes faster

than we can attain it

and thus

our steps

become a stumble

sometimes

we are caught

and sometimes

we collapse

and regardless

it will happen

again and again

until we breathe no longer

the rise and fall

of you

and

i

...

new sun, new stars.

forget

about that skinned knee

forget

about that failed love

forget

about how sick you felt

that time

back then

go on

try

try to forget

believe it or not

you have forgotten

now it's just a story

a tale

not much more than a myth

because memory is shaped

and re-shaped

by your outlook on it

the accuracy will never be on

hazy at very best

and as one-sided as could possibly be

seems easy,

doesn't it?

simple

but it isn't

these images shape

how we act

who we think we are

where we go

who we trust

who we don't

lies.

not in the sense of

malicious thoughts and actions

but as in

false truths

if we give in

it will age us even faster

so

when i look into the sky

be it day or night

i can think to myself

about how the sun

is the sun

and the stars are aligned

and that every time

they are the same...

they aren't.

i see with new eyes

each and every time

it's night now

i am inside

and i look forward

to seeing the sun

for the first time

tomorrow

because at that moment

it will be the only time

i am seeing it

and the stars tomorrow evening

and the next day

and the next night

and on

and on

do you get it?

ugly.

you told me that i am

beautiful

you looked right into my eyes

you meant it.

i know.

you loved me.

that,

i also know

even now

that you may not love me

anymore

i can still feel

the warmth

i remember

the feeling

it meant more to me

than anything

ever

because i loved you also

and because of that

i still love you

i always have

i always will

because you weren't just talking

about my eyes

or my lips

you saw inside of me

when i asked you:

"what is beautiful about me?"

you replied,

"everything"

i never thought i would hear those words

from someone

so special to me

because

in my heart

in my soul

you were

perfection

and you meant it

i've never thought i was anything

but a struggling

weathered man

like any other

yes
it is true

i love you

i would have done

anything

for you

i still would

you saw me

you see me

you know me

and though

i feel like the ugliest man

alive

you made me feel

beautiful

as if i had done right

as if all i've stood for

my whole life

meant something after all

i knew exactly what you meant

it doesn't matter what happened

it doesn't matter where you are now

i will always feel you

your spirit

your words

they weren't simply heard

they were felt

and i haven't been the same since

and i never will be

if i'm fortunate

maybe someone will

see me like that again

like the way you saw me

the way you felt me

i still feel ugly

but that's ok

because that doesn't mean

anything

it doesn't take away

who i am

i remember how i felt

when i told you that you were

beautiful

i meant it every time

i still mean it

this entire story

is not as it reads

it's more than these words

these simple words

-read between these lines-

don't be afraid

this beauty

and

this ugliness

are the same

there is beauty

in the ugliness of life

and ugliness
in the beauty

but the look in your eyes

the warmth of  your smile

i will always feel

no matter how ugly

i believe myself to be
...

getting lost.

how much of what you say

do you actually mean?

how much is real?

i know

it's hard

to be honest

all the time...

mistake

after mistake...

how many apologies

will you make?

which is easier?

i know

you don't always

mean harm

if at all

but hiding behind the belief

that you just don't want

to cause pain,

makes very little sense.

the truth most often hurts

more than it doesn't

and i know

you are stronger than that

i have to think

that you simply

don't see it.

you've gotten too used

to taking the easy way

but it isn't any easier...

this is why

you always seem

unhappy

and confused

take time and think

of what you're doing.

this will not change

by itself.

it takes effort.

it takes strength.

you've got it,

so do it.

do you really want to know

what's happening around you?

do you really want to find out

how much control you have

over your own life?

practice brings improvement.

why do you think

that you must take

what you want?

when you can simply be honest

and sincere

and ask for it...
earn it...

it's not the world who's against you

it's you.

it is you.

no excuses.

no paranoid reasons.

i may know very little,

but this is simple.

keep wasting your breath

instead of using it,

and you'll continue to lose

time

truth

love

and your life.