the low end.

when our dreams appear

impossible

and it's not just our backs

but our fronts

against the wall

as well

it is so easy

to lose hope

to give in

when all our trying

is thrown back at us

with the most extreme

prejudice

what goes through our minds?

it's over...

yes?

we know it isn't...

but we can't help ourselves

we are hurting

we are in pain

we are tired

we don't know what to do next

and all we can think about

is how we feel right now

and we don't want to hear

about tomorrow

anymore

our faith falls into

darkness

and we find ourselves

in the low end.

cold streets

and dark, damp

eerie lighting

seem to follow us

everywhere we go

we close our eyes

perhaps drift into a dream

and it's still there

all of us

we question:

why?

"i don't want this"

"i don't like this"

"i can't stand this

for another moment"

but then another moment passes

and we are still here

is it really that cosmic?

and all the sense that can be made

still makes none

we're not even falling at this point

we're just hanging

in the low end

of our minds

of our lives

and it feels like

we are wrapped

from head to toe

in this old, but strong rope

and we can't move

and each decision

seems like our very last

and pointless, at that...

where do we go

and what do we do?

like you,

i haven't a clue...

the only thing i do know

is that i have felt this before

and that it changes

eventually

it changes

we try to look back

and we almost have to laugh

at the state we were in

its like cutting your hair off

then after a few days

you can't really imagine it

the way it was...

but...

we have to go through it

because we do

as ridiculous as it seems

isn't it strange

how we survive?

although,

not all of us do

but you

reading this

have indeed continued

to survive

through so many times

of not wanting to

we're still here

one simple point:

please.

remember.

you are never alone

even when you are

hopelessly

and helplessly

suffering

the low end

...

breaking boxes.

as long as you have

breath

keep fighting

not with your fists

with your spirit

with your soul

expression

true

free

expression

is more liberating

more venting

than any punch

you could ever land

i gave up trying

to be like you

many years ago

but

more importantly

i gave up on trying

to make you be like me

as well.

i care

i respect

i love you

as you are

as you truly are

some will never show

who they truly are

and that

is sad

not pathetic

but sad because

they live in a box

that they may never

be able to emerge from

i am true

and i am real

and i am fine with the fact

that you may not like me

because at least i know

that you don't like me

at least i know

that you like or don't like

the real me

i don't live in a box

it's not for me

if you do

and your little box

that gets ever smaller

is comfortable

by all means

stay there

i can respect that

obviously

i am no better

and i am no worse

i may just be

a little different than you

and there is nothing wrong with that

but

if you are suffering

suffocating

in that little box

then i feel bad for that

you should not have

to live that way

too many people do

stuck in lives

that they can barely stand

caught in traps

that they can't imagine

how to escape from

it's not easy

to let go

i know

believe me

i know

we all know

nothing is easy

and the common

easy path

just gets harder

and harder

because it isn't real

it has now become

a horrifying game

i want to see us all

free

but i know

this wish cannot come true

but when i see you

the real you

the truth

my faith remains

steadfast

that you and i

can get where we need to go

where we want to go

and see exactly where

we are

not expecting anything from tomorrow

or feeling suspect of the past

nothing will ever happen again

and we cannot predict

the future

i feel alive this way

no box for me

the lights are on

and i will fight

to keep seeing

feeling

learning

living

loving

growing

right here

this moment

and every moment

that my lungs

draw breath

 and my heart

pumps blood.

missing.

simple words

triggers

a feeling

washing over

but it's nothing like water

something is wrong

very wrong

and this feeling

could it be a warning?

or a sign

that things simply

aren't fitting into place

as they could be?

as they should be?

so much that is needed

and so painfully wanted

is missing

while so much useless garbage

is everywhere in this place

not just another rambling

about how unfair

how disturbing

life has become

but in it's way

a deep

desperate scream

for help

for change

change that seems

and feels

hopeless

and just out of control

hands cannot grasp

these things

minds cannot change them

either

it won't go away

it just won't go away

until it just

does

-

come to me

i need you

sweet sanity.

faithful and true

i beg of this life

to give me
yet another

chance

to find a way

to hold on

to move on

to get out

to get up

and take me

to wherever it may be

where my
heres
and
nows

make sense

and i can live

this static is too loud

and i am missing everything

because with the sound of static

comes the vision of white noise

the scent of burning wires

and the feeling of not belonging

inside my own skin

out there

somewhere

lies

my opportunity

to find my destiny

i must

find

you

before

it's

too

late

...

threads.

our lives hang by threads

threads of all kinds

and they snap.

some of us fall

into the abyss

never to return

never to be seen

or heard

again

our lifeless bodies

sometimes viewed

shortly,

then gone.

some threads are like

miracles...

how they hold us up

for so long

is unbelievable

but eventually...

we drop down to lower levels

then resume climbing our way

back up another.

trying to hang on

it's hard

we all know

when we want to

smile

and laugh

but we cannot

because our knuckles

are white

from gripping

so tightly

cannot smile

through some pain

so what do we do?

where do we go?

is this what we live for?

why?

is it hope?

love?

a dream of happiness

that we can never be sure of?

how can we even think about

what we want

sometimes?

what we need?

when it's so hard

to even move?

ups and downs

all the while

hanging

grasping to hold on

for our very lives

to a single thread.

mirrors and reflections.

i don't like to look

in the mirror

trying to see who i am

what i have become

i'll begin to speak

try to imagine how you might see me

wondering what you might assume

in my face

in my expressions

and how misunderstood

they may come across

or do you see something?

something i can't even relate to

or understand?

i can never figure out

how the mere image

and all that's going on inside

could possibly coincide

different reactions

do i have the same face?

do i even know how to smile

the way i want to smile at you?

i can't grasp it

and i am ugly

and i feel like i know it

all too well

i see a stranger

and even stranger

i've known this stranger

my entire life

yet...

i can't get around these things

do any of us look

how we feel?

does your image

make sense?

again...

i can't figure it out

i never could

i wonder if i ever will

or does it mean anything at all?

these reflections

they don't seem to match up to me.

and this mystique,

it preys on my sanity at times

because i realize

that you see me

the same me

that i avoid looking at.

in fact...

you see this image

even more often than i do

what do you see?

i realize

that when i look at you

i too see simply an image

and that you too

may not feel as you look

and it's all a bit too much

so i try not to equate the two

our eyes deceive us

not only by what we see

but the way our own eyes

are seen

so as i stay away from these

literal visual self reflections

i believe it keeps me more...

real?

if i don't know what i look like

i will not alter the way i express myself

into an untrue image

just to try to look better

or different

i want to be who i am.

i want you to see me as i am.

as purely as possible.

and this is why

i don't look at mirrors

anymore than

i have to.

threshold of capabilities.

limits and boundaries

set within our

conscious

and unconscious minds

what can i do?

vs

what have i done?

each experience

creates new capabilities

good and bad

helpful and harmful

new... skills

for lack of better terms

regardless of outcomes

be it pain

or joy

thinking about doing something

and seeing it through

are, of course,

very different

once we have taken something

that is not ours to take...

once we have stolen

we now have the ability

to steal

once we have cheated

we now have the skill

to cheat

once we have performed

before a group of people

we now are able to do it

no matter how hard it was

or what the result was

we have crossed

a threshold of capabilities

and our skillset is ever-growing

from the smallest of achievements

to the most undesirable of actions

until we are cut down

steal bread with your right hand,

get caught,

and have your right hand chopped off...

obviously...

you will never steal bread

with your right hand again

but the ability to use your left

remains

lesson learned

or not

it is now in your arsenal

because it isn't about thinking

it's about feeling

fear

accomplishment

self-loathing

or the building of

self confidence

growth.

some would never do

what i've done

what you've done

but everyone

will do

what they will do

it's the same

regardless

of the threshold to cross

and the cross to bare

that comes along with it,

you and i will cross them.

in this way,

amongst so many others,

we are all the same.

all of us.

control is limited

because one thing

that will never change

is that things

and life

will always change

and even if we were

to stand completely still

our entire lives

we will cross thresholds

gain capabilities

there is no stopping it

refuse it or embrace it

doesn't matter...

except in one way:

either

we will be

miserable

more often than

happy

or the other way around...

the question is

and always is:

what will we do

with these abilities

that we will acquire

whether we wish to

or not?

and although this would take

lifetimes to answer

as we live

in this here

and this now

it is shaping

the man

or woman

we aspire to be.

in this,

we do have choices

i try to choose as wisely as i can

but if i think too much

i will not live as much

by making decisions

about who i am

about who i wish to be

and living by them

it seems to help me
more often than not

keep my skills

my abilities

more within my grasp

as we constantly

and consistently

cross these

thresholds of capabilities.

rise and fall.

the nature of things

this ever-changing set

of do's and don'ts

the haves and have nots 

yours and mine

the rights and wrongs

the goods and bads

what causes one to respect one

and not another?

if i treat you the same

where does your judgement come from

when compared to another's?

is it me?

is it you?

or is it...

when and how

and why

you and i act

when pushed

when embraced

when afraid

when brave

how much is real

how much is decided

i drop my arms

i drop my head

the spinning comes and goes

i think too much

then... not enough

who can remain

conscious?

always?

as we drift in and out

of our bliss

and our shattering realities

i owe you nothing

you owe me nothing

but a common respect

that has become more uncommon

than i ever hoped it would

i've always believed

that you can get what you give

even though

things are not always fair

i've always believed

in trying

to do what i think is right

i know i am not alone

not only in this belief

but in knowing

that i fail

i break down

i fall like a porcelain figurine

and shatter into a million pieces

could i be completely wrong?

sometimes...

i know i am

as i am swept up

and glued back together

never to be the same again

the only thing pure

is this impurity

and i am guilty

and innocent

all at once

everyday

at this very moment

we get back up

until we cannot

any longer.

sometimes

we never get the chance

to say goodbye

to say we're sorry.

what we mean to do

and what happens

is always different

because the future is so unknown

whether it's next year

next week

tomorrow

five minutes from now

or even the next word

you read

thunderstorms and droughts

we walk through deserts

and rain forests

facing perils

and opportunities

evil and love

and everything in between

yet we continue

to step

because it's all we know.

all of the common sense

you may have

all of the experience

you have accumulated

means nothing

as you and i face

tomorrow

the strongest will fall

the weakest will rise

all of us

no exceptions

what we want

changes faster

than we can attain it

and thus

our steps

become a stumble

sometimes

we are caught

and sometimes

we collapse

and regardless

it will happen

again and again

until we breathe no longer

the rise and fall

of you

and

i

...

new sun, new stars.

forget

about that skinned knee

forget

about that failed love

forget

about how sick you felt

that time

back then

go on

try

try to forget

believe it or not

you have forgotten

now it's just a story

a tale

not much more than a myth

because memory is shaped

and re-shaped

by your outlook on it

the accuracy will never be on

hazy at very best

and as one-sided as could possibly be

seems easy,

doesn't it?

simple

but it isn't

these images shape

how we act

who we think we are

where we go

who we trust

who we don't

lies.

not in the sense of

malicious thoughts and actions

but as in

false truths

if we give in

it will age us even faster

so

when i look into the sky

be it day or night

i can think to myself

about how the sun

is the sun

and the stars are aligned

and that every time

they are the same...

they aren't.

i see with new eyes

each and every time

it's night now

i am inside

and i look forward

to seeing the sun

for the first time

tomorrow

because at that moment

it will be the only time

i am seeing it

and the stars tomorrow evening

and the next day

and the next night

and on

and on

do you get it?